The world of a woman.

[chrisbonnie]

Despite the this winter and last being warm (thus far anyway), the usual moaning about the cold and need for the heating to be on, has come around again.

 

Heating a room is an easy fucking concept, turn up the heating, yep she can manage that one.

 

Keeping a room warm is fucking alien though. Multiple doors left open, draught excluder never moved back to cover foot of the door and any door or window insulation is 'ugly'.

 

For someone who is so cold, why can't they close the fucking doors behind them?

Oh man. This is a constant argument in my house.

 

I now have my sister in law staying with me as well and i swear she's not even a mammal.

 

Every time either her, or my bird let the dogs out for a piss they hold the fucking back door open. Seriously, common fucking sense tells you to close the door.

 

I've gone to the trouble of putting up internal insulated plasterboard everywhere bar the bedrooms. So downstairs, hall and landing are toasty as fuck now. But nope, the cold blooded fucks are still "freezing".

 

It's funny, while they sit there watching American sitcoms all covered up like Eskimos ill take the dogs for a walk, get my actual blood flowing. But would they dare leave the house to warm their blood. Would they fuck. Lazy shites

[Mook]

My boss called it 'Dowtown Abbey' yesterday. It's her favourite programme as well.

[Carvalho Diablo]

[Dr Nowt]

Giraffe on a moving escalator.

[mattyq]

Granted high heels look great but why would you wear something which stops you from walking properly and means you have to spend large parts of your life tottering around like an idiot?

Weird

[Trumo]

She's got no fucking ankles is the real problem. It reminds me of this Youtube vid with the two newsreaders corpsing.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0eINGyJHz8

[Fowlers God]

My wife likes a certain round ball event (although wrong colour) and boxing si this evening in spite.of all my mates going down to the new sports bar to watch the scum and boxing I decided to stay at home with her, drink watch the.game and subsequent boxing- just because my mates who knew I wasn't going out have since 1800 sent 40 texts and have had 19 phone calls trying to persuade me to go out, she has now got in a mood because apparently I would rather be out with them than her- despite the point being I would rather be out with my mates at home surely the fact I'm.still sat here.means something no?

[Remmie]

My wife likes a certain round ball event (although wrong colour) and boxing si this evening in spite.of all my mates going down to the new sports bar to watch the scum and boxing I decided to stay at home with her, drink watch the.game and subsequent boxing- just because my mates who knew I wasn't going out have since 1800 sent 40 texts and have had 19 phone calls trying to persuade me to go out, she has now got in a mood because apparently I would rather be out with them than her- despite the point being I would rather be out with my mates at home surely the fact I'm.still sat here.means something no?

Sorry mate  but that reads like the World of a Fowlers God

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

My wife likes a certain round ball event (although wrong colour) and boxing si this evening in spite.of all my mates going down to the new sports bar to watch the scum and boxing I decided to stay at home with her, drink watch the.game and subsequent boxing- just because my mates who knew I wasn't going out have since 1800 sent 40 texts and have had 19 phone calls trying to persuade me to go out, she has now got in a mood because apparently I would rather be out with them than her- despite the point being I would rather be out with my mates at home surely the fact I'm.still sat here.means something no?

 

Don't be silly

[Elite]

Me: It's black friday this week, wonder if there's any good deals.

 

Girl at work: Oh, is that today?

[Harry Squatter]

Mrs is on her 5th cash card this year having lost the last 4 and having to cancel them.

 

Took her 30 minutes to get ready last night to go the shops as she lost her car keys then moaned at me for not helping find them.

[Harry Squatter]

Mrs said to me last week that she is starting to go to spin classes at the local leisure centre. I asked why she's suddenly decided to start going despite showing no interest in keeping fit for the last 4 years. Apparently her mate wants to go now and previously she's never had anyone to go with.

 

Wonder if Jessica Ennis became a heptathlete because her mate said she's go to athletics with her years ago?

[Bjornebye]

Or Howard from her geography class at senior school has posted on facebook that he has joined that gym and she has decided that now is the time to ..... work-out together because I know you don't want to hear it mate but, Howard got fit.

 

 

Sorry to break it to you mate.

 

 

 

 

disclaimer - if their was a Howard in her school geography class then I apologise. I'm only pulling your leg.

 

 

 

 

maybe.

[Bjornebye]

"Is County Durham a county?"

 

Head Of Events sales.

[RJ Fan club]

"Is County Durham a county?"

 

Head Of Events sales.

You don't actually expect anyone in sales to be intelligent do you?

 

Jesus, the cleaners are usually brighter than sales.

[Bjornebye]

You don't actually expect anyone in sales to be intelligent do you?

 

Jesus, the cleaners are usually brighter than sales.

Im extremely tinleliggent

[Paulie Dangerously]

My missus just doesn't understand the fact that in the morning I like to give myself plenty of time to avoid rushing.

 

I like to have at least 20 minutes to sit and read the news on my phone, watch Carol Kirkwood cheerily give me the weather with her massive jugs and casually drink my tea or coffee.

 

Her morning method is to set her alarm as late as possible then rush round getting more panicky as the "leave house" window approaches drink her tea standing up and then complain because she's running late.

[Chip Butty]

From a couple of weeks ago:

 

Her: Oh look, Benedict Cumberbatch has a new film out, I may go and see that.

Me: Yes love, its about the enigma machine and he plays Alan Turing in it

Her: Whats that?

Me: Whats what?

Her: That igmanin thing?

Me: Its what they used to decipher the German code in the second world war, it sort of won the war.

Her: German! I don't know if I'll like that, I can't even speak it

Her: Is it a bit like a rom-com film though?

Me: No, its about the second world war and the bloke that cracked the code and his life and the countless lives he probably saved. 

Her: So its not a romance then?

Me: Sorry, you're right, its a romance, take your sister and go and watch it....

Her: Good, I like  Benedict Cumberbatch

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

From a couple of weeks ago:

 

Her: Oh look, Benedict Cumberbatch has a new film out, I may go and see that.

Me: Yes love, its about the enigma machine and he plays Alan Turing in it

Her: Whats that?

Me: Whats what?

Her: That igmanin thing?

Me: Its what they used to decipher the German code in the second world war, it sort of won the war.

Her: German! I don't know if I'll like that, I can't even speak it

Her: Is it a bit like a rom-com film though?

Me: No, its about the second world war and the bloke that cracked the code and his life and the countless lives he probably saved. 

Her: So its not a romance then?

Me: Sorry, you're right, its a romance, take your sister and go and watch it....

Her: Good, I like  Benedict Cumberbatch

 

She had already decided she wanted to go see it, and nothing was for changing her mind, because she wouldn't open her ears. I like this because, without generalizing, it sums up every woman ever. 

[Trumo]

It's the sequel to Atonement.

[Tj hooker]

Leaving Aintree Hospital today & a woman is driving the wrong way down the side of the car park for those of you that know it, no amount of light flashing could convince her to turn around just how do these people get a driving licence

[Tom araya]

You seem surprised....

[Chip Butty]

She had already decided she wanted to go see it, and nothing was for changing her mind, because she wouldn't open her ears. I like this because, without generalizing, it sums up every woman ever. 

Its the futility of it all that grinds you down. 

 

One of these days, I'm going to tie her to the couch, super glue her eyes open and make her watch Das Boot. I'll give her romance and emotions. 

[lifetime fan]

Don't you just love how they know how to do everything, despite never having done something before you get that stock phrase and look, 'yeah, I know'.

 

The bird has just got a fuel card, is away for the day with work today and we were out last night so I offered to fill up for her. 

 

Me: You know how to use it?

Her: Yes, of course I do.

Me: Okay. (Start to fill up and she walks off). Did you take your mileage?

Her: What?

Me: You need to give them your mileage.

Her: No you don't, I've got a fuel card.

Me: I know. That's why you need your mileage!

Her: I don't, I know what I'm doing.

Me: Go and ask the guy serving before you make a tit of yourself.

 

She goes off into the garage and comes out with a face like a slapped ass, gets in the car and I just know what the daft cunt's going to do so quickly stop filling the car and get out the way just as she starts the fucking engine to find out the mileage.

 

I didn't get any last night.

[Rico1304]

9:20:

 

Her: Can I borrow your car?

Me: yes, of course.

 

9:45:

 

(Phone call)

 

Her: I've just scraped your car, it's really bad, all along the passenger side. I thought the parking space was too small.

Me: Sigh, it's ok.