Captain Turdseye

Not enough massive Australian bellends on here these days. Actually, that’s not true but welcome back anyway you massive Australian bellend.

Harsh as fuck that, aRdja isn’t salmonella riddled at all.

I CARRIED POWER!

Jerma.

I haven’t got Sky. It’s not up on Kodi yet.

Six years ago when we sat the older two kids down to tell them that they were going to have a new little brother or sister, we did a “We’ve got some good news and some bad” type thing. For the bad news I said that there wasn’t enough room in the house for three kids so one of them would have to be put up for adoption. I said we’d thought long and hard about it and decided that the boy would have to go. He was almost nine at the time and he burst straight into tears. It sounds a lot worse written down like that than it actually was! We were all laughing 30 seconds later and it still gets brought up at family gatherings.

My daughter said earlier that the girl told her she got a new tablet and a Barbie doll when she got home. So it looks like they did buy her presents after all. Still, the way it played out and the idea of not spending any time with my kids celebrating their birthdays and palming them off onto someone else doesn’t sit right with me. Who knows, maybe they’re not the complete monsters we’ve all built them up to be? Especially Champ. She’d have someone round there now examining their computer hard drives and everything if she could. It’s definitely strange as fuck that they didn’t give her presents before school and agreed to send her round to a virtual strangers house though. But kudos to them for buying a tablet. They can be mightily effective if you want to completely ignore a child for hours on end.

Behave.

My missus forgot to put it in! It’s just disappointment after disappointment for this kid. I didn’t think they were. They both work and stuff. I’ve never spoke to the nan before (my bird has) and although I say hello to the grandad, we don’t do much small talk. I’ve tried starting conversations with him before but he’s not got much to say so it’s kind of awkward. He tends to stand alone at the school. When I go I stand and chat with the barman from my local. He’s got a daughter in the same class. I’ll have word with Mel and see what she thinks. Will that do?

I dunno about that, to be honest. Maybe they just don’t do birthdays? Maybe they’re planning something at the weekend? I’m quite torn over it all. The mum was a complete weirdo before she got off again but the girl seems to get on well with her grandad before school in the mornings. But then our ten year old told me this morning that when they were on the way back here last night, the kid said in the car that Grandad told her she didn’t need presents because she was going to Emily’s house for her birthday. He could easily have been joking so that she had a surprise waiting for her, couldn’t he? Maybe the nan was at work really early in the morning and they were waiting until they were all together to give her her presents. Then again, he wanted to pick her up at 9pm. That’s leaving it a bit late in my eyes. I don’t want to go to the teacher and say “Lacie told me she didn’t get any birthday presents.” I could have it all wrong and I’ll basically look like a shit stirring cunt. What exactly can authorites do about not making any effort for a birthday? Nothing, is my guess. I just think it was a really, really shitty thing to do on a kids birthday.

This is it, man. Remember when you promised to be my sponsor so I could move to Canada? You’re gonna need someone to guard that 110 acres during the winter. I have extensive security guard experience in high end places such as Stansted Airport, Cambridge University, three separate Tesco stores, an Essex shopping centre and a waste management site that was undergoing renovation and stunk of shit. I’ll be able to prevent people nicking your maple leaves no bother and the septic field malarkey is already on my CV. All I’m asking for is five acres, a basic wage and the use of your house with the nice garden in the summer, whilst you’re living it up in your remaining 105 acres. I’ll even feed the cats.

Cheers mate, but I’m not really. Most people would have done the same. She also said she didn’t get any presents this morning and I don’t know them well enough to know wether or not they’ll have had some for her when she got home. Maybe they’re a family who do the present giving of an evening? It felt good when she was here and having a good time but once she’d gone the whole episode in general has left me feeling a bit shitty. Hopefully she got home and they had actually bought her something really good. I’m not gonna pry any further because I’m not sure I want to know the answer. Trust my little girl to end up as best mates with the kid who has a fucked up home life!

What, that it’s her birthday? Haha. No it genuinely was.

Aye, it’s just fucking sad. Since she got here she just keeps saying “Thank you so much for understanding my birthday” So far they’ve played for a bit, drawn some pictures, emptied the gum ball machine, Emily gave her the card and present, had tea, birthday cake while we sung happy birthday, then outside with some sparklers I had left over from Bommy night. Even Mrs Turdseye’s ma (the fat goblin cunt) came over with a load of sweets for her in a gift bag and a load of balloons. Now I’m in the kitchen because they’ve got Little Mix blaring out of the living room telly. My daughter went for a play date round at their house at some point in the last school year. She won’t be going again, I can promise that.

She’s asked for plain pasta and cheese! Same thing she asked for the only other time we had her over. Last time she said “Wow, Emily’s mom, this is such an amazing recipe!” We’ve got a garlic bread in the freezer this time. She’s gonna explode.