Captain Turdseye

Objection: Overruled

You should follow him home so you know where he lives and then pay someone to break in and rob every single thing except the Harry Potter DVDs. Just leave the boxset sat there on the floor in the middle of the living room.

Paper straws. Specifically the ones on these Tesco’s little cartons of orange and apple juice. Doesn’t matter how careful you are, the chance of it poking through the hole properly or it just crumpling into an unusable piece of flimsy rubbish is a genuine 50/50 So much is known about the shitness of paper straws that when we went to the cinema at the weekend, the bloke behind the counter gave us two extra straws each without us even asking. They must be totally pissed off with having to deal with customers that are totally pissed off that their straws have disintegrated before the fucking trailers have finished.

Bastards. What a way to leave it as well!

Woah, hang on a minute. Mid season break?

Well, he’s not even gonna be in the play-off. Probably never hear of this cunt again.

Totally bottled it. No chance he wins in a play-off.

I’ve had an absolute nightmare, betting wise. I put the first one on a couple of days ago and it looks like Lowry is gonna finish one shot away from T20.

Amazing. We’ve seen what they started doing three weeks ago and decided to copy it. State of us lot. Hahaha

Could have been much further away than he is. -10, dropped all the way back to -6, then climbed again to -9, three clear. There’s every chance of him falling away later and us having a Major Sunday on our hands. Most golf tournaments are pretty crap until Sunday, which is when shit gets tense.

Ooh. Didn’t know about this.

He’ll already be posting under a new or old name. It’s what he does.

I’ll be up there with my kids for the CL final. I’ll definitely be staying up there one more day so we can go into town and the kids can see first hand how a hair of the dog works.

Lampard waving to the fans to make some noise. They genuinely think they’re Atletico Madrid.