Tony Moanero

The conker looks tasty.

I’d eat that, mate. Pickle straight out the jar isn’t a problem, Branston is lovely. What is the other one? Some kind of chutney?

With or without? Definitely without. Tradition should not be fucked with.

Horseradish is top of the pops, I, too, have it with all meats. As I said the other day, I do like mint sauce and have it with lamb. I’m not a paedophile, though, I only touch them with your cock.

Beef or lamb. I know Yorkshire Puddings aren’t supposed to be served with beef, but I don’t care!

I’d either have a roast dinner with all the trimmings or fish, chips, mushy peas and a carton of curry on the side. Fuck it, I’d have fish and chips (loads of salt and vinegar) and mushy peas and an additional portion of chips for the curry. Afters would be homemade apple pie and custard, and a shed load of biscuits - each and every one dunked in Yorkshire Tea.

Roast potatoes (lots of them them) are easily the best part of a roast dinner. I’d happily eat the lovely, golden brown, crisp on the outside, light and fluffy on the inside bastards every day of the week.

Sugar Tax has fucked that as well, I believe. What is wrong with these terrible cunts? I NEED sugar and I want E numbers. I reckon drinking my own piss would be preferable to the rubbish they’re producing nowadays.

Yeah, Clarkson. Ayoade makes The Crystal Maze unwatchable.