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Ezekiel 25:17

The world of a woman.

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My ex's mate in her divine wisdom decided to try and stage a fraudulent insurance injury claim by making up a car accident. Apparently she knew someone who did this and it was fool proof. So she phoned up her insurance company to tell them about the crash she was inventing, cutting a slightly longer story short.......

 

Car Insurance: "ok miss H, can you tell us what happened exactly ?"

Miss H: well I was rolling up to the traffic lights and went straight into the back of the car in front of me "

Car Insurance: "right, then that means you're liable and cannot claim, if you go into the back of another car you're liable"

Miss H "er, oh, ok".

 

Miss H now has to continue with the insurance story making her insurance go up and cannot claim injuries, it's just beautiful.

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That is fantastic. Truly fantastic. Not as foolproof as anticipated then. Or maybe it was foolproof, just not complete retard proof.

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That is fantastic. Truly fantastic. Not as foolproof as anticipated then. Or maybe it was foolproof, just not complete retard proof.

 

It wasn't woman proof that's what it wasn't, and before they start as a famous philosopher said "how could I hate woman, my mum's one".

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Fucking hell. Is she really that stupid?

 

they are, its true

 

my missus who is just about to become a chartered accountant, and has letters after her name, once asked me how men built canals "with all that water around" and that is NOT a lie

 

they really a truly wonderful cuddly creatures,

 

but thick as fuck :D

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I remember I was a sub once for this Sunday League f**tball team once with these two Zimbabwean lads we had in our team and this Asian lad who was born and bred in Sheffield. Anyway, the two Zimbabwean lads were speaking to each other in their native tongue and one of our player's girlfriends was on the touchline watching them and turned to the Asian lad and asked him what they were saying. The look of bemusement on the lad's face was a sight and he just said 'how the fuck am I supposed to know?' Calmly, and without thinking there's anything wrong in her logic, she turned to him and said 'well you've got the same coloured skin as them so you must know.'

 

Still cracks me up thinking of that.

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Guest davelfc

In the kop some years ago and just before half time this couple arrived, the bloke turned to someone and asked the score. "nil, nil' he was told.

 

"See" his female partner said, "all that moaning and you've missed nothing"

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Apologies for another f**tball reference here:

 

I was watching the last European Cup Final at home with my mum and dad and after the match, the cameras showed Messi with a medal round his neck holding the trophy. I sighed 'I can't believe he's only a few months older than me and he's a European Champion'. My mum turned to me and said 'Yeah, but I'll bet he's never going to come out of uni with an English degree like you.'

 

Words just failed me.

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My mate used to go out with a bird that thought she could turn the light off from the switch on the wall and get into bed before it went dark.

 

 

True story.

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Guest davelfc

Was attending an incident some years ago with a wpc concerning a JCB that had been broken in to. It had shaped metal plates that fitted over the windows to make it more secure when left overnight.

 

While we waited for the owners to arrive we got chatting and she was telling me how she wanted to become a detective. Then she asked me while looking hard at the JCB "how do they operate that when they can't see what they are doing?"

 

She's probably a DCI now.

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I went over to Germany to visit friends years ago with my missus and they had a big fuck-off garden that was littered with mole hills.

So i'm stood next to her as she's looking out the window surveying said garden and she says 'look at all those mole hills, what causes them?'

I just shook my head and walked away and she says 'well aren't you going to tell me?' 'You don't know do you'

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I went over to Germany to visit friends years ago with my missus and they had a big fuck-off garden that was littered with mole hills.

So i'm stood next to her as she's looking out the window surveying said garden and she says 'look at all those mole hills, what causes them?'

I just shook my head and walked away and she says 'well aren't you going to tell me?' 'You don't know do you'

 

fucking hell, that is so woman is untrue, pissing myself at that :D

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My mate used to go out with a bird that thought she could turn the light off from the switch on the wall and get into bed before it went dark.

 

 

True story.

Your mate went out with Muhammed Ali?
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Me and the missus were in the car a few years ago when news came on the radio about some gay celebrity who'd been diagnosed with HIV.

 

We were talking about this when I mentioned a programme I'd seen on the telly about a drug that had been developed which could actually cure mice of the disease.

 

She paused for a few seconds then said, "I didn't realise you could get gay mice."

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they are, its true

 

my missus who is just about to become a chartered accountant, and has letters after her name, once asked me how men built canals "with all that water around" and that is NOT a lie

 

they really a truly wonderful cuddly creatures,

 

but thick as fuck :D

 

'About to become'? I hope they don't ask her any difficult questions in the finals.

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I went over to Germany to visit friends years ago with my missus and they had a big fuck-off garden that was littered with mole hills.

So i'm stood next to her as she's looking out the window surveying said garden and she says 'look at all those mole hills, what causes them?'

I just shook my head and walked away and she says 'well aren't you going to tell me?' 'You don't know do you'

 

You should use that as your signature, have some rep. You look liked you could use it :smile:

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they are, its true

 

my missus who is just about to become a chartered accountant, and has letters after her name, once asked me how men built canals "with all that water around" and that is NOT a lie

 

they really a truly wonderful cuddly creatures,

 

but thick as fuck :D

 

My ex missus said the same thing about the mersey tunnel. I told her the had to go on extensive diving courses before they could they could learn how to lay bricks under water.

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My mates Mrs. on a trip to France when going through the channel tunnel once asked.... and wait for it

 

"where are all the fish i thought i would be able to see them"

 

Fail

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Mate of mine with his wife at Heathrow. They'd just checked in and were watching a 747 land.

 

Her: "What are the flashing lights for on that plane?"

 

Him (joking): "It's a police plane"

 

Her: "Really? Wow"

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I was watching that new life documentary with the kids last night in HD on the big living room telly. The wife was in the kitchen watching on a small 10'' flat screen portable jobbie .

The HD was immense so I shouted to her come and see this. All I heard back was ' I know I can see it through here brilliant isn't it.'

FFS.

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