Babb'sBurstNad

Reminds me of the bit in Bottom Live, where Richie reads the toilet graffiti: "I am eight inches long and three inches round!" What an amazing bloke. I wonder what his knob is like!

The crane kick has always bugged me. His leg's supposed to be knackered, but that's the one he lands on after jumping.

Could go either way, this.

Slam dunk? Sounds like our problem is we've been scouting basketball players. Someone open the tab for soccer ball.

Any streams about?

Watching the past half a dozen matches has been like injecting bleach into the eyeballs. Every game, past about 60 minutes, has felt like an inevitable disappointment and time wasted. Seriously thinking of swerving this one. We know the script: Dominate possession, pepper a few speculative shots from distance, Mo pretending he doesn't want to cut in on his left at every opportunity, Trent hitting crosses at no one, Firmino unable to even see the barn door he's aiming at; 0-0 after 70 minutes, the inevitable Utd pen and Rizzo doing that stupid fucking hoppity-skippity run up that makes me wish there was a land mine under the spot and his leg would fly into the stands. Nah, might just go with Domestos into my orbs instead.

Bring Klavan home.

Hope Mbappe watched a film tonight.

"What football match?"

I was only joking mate. What constitutes a crisis is subjective, though. It's not turning on the players to consider our current form as such.

Sign a CB, play our best midfielder in midfield, leave Origi in a layby and drive away at speed.

We'd never hit a target that far away. We struggle from ten yards.

My stream keeps dying, and I'm thankful for the respite.

Bit extreme, but sacrificing someone on their doorstep could work.