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Roy Hodgson

It's because you've spent so much time in Thailand and your internal thermometer is fucked up. I wash my balls in ice water. * thumps chest

The country voted for these people and probably will do again, any populous that places more stock in the fact the leader of the opposition was wearing a 79 quid M&S coat rather than a Seville row job like Cameron and Blair - all bought and paid for by despots, dictators and shysters - deserves its fate. Fuck you Britain, you clown ass, Murdock-swallowing, Tory-loving gym and prosecco obsessed simpletons.

I didn't know this but when JFK got shot and you see Jackie Onasis dive on the back seat, she wasn't diving for cover but was instinctively trying to pick up pieces of his brain. You wouldn't need a Dyson to clean up after Trump would you?

They are like rocking horse shit to get hold of these days. I actually had a decent one from Next last year, it was like a blag Belstaff, long dark brown motorcycle style jacket which was ace but heavy as fuck. It's in the loft now though as I've lost a bit of chunk.

When you park miles away from everyone else in the car park so you can get easily in and out and some cunt parks next to you.

Not a joke. President Trump accuses people of changing their clothes and returning to cast additional ballots in disguise. (there's no evidence of this) “Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again."

Got this from Debenhams (in fact that is actually me). When I put it on I thought I was gonna cum. I also did the obligatory posing with a pretend gun in the changing rooms.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being an imperialist cunt here and lord knows I can't be doing with Tories, but it's just a simple fact of economics that the smaller countries in the UK are heavily subsidised by England. I can't think of another country Scotland's size with free healthcare and free higher education. Delve deeper and there's probably a lot of public sector jobs in the mix too.

They're the kind of people who would have reported you to the Gestapo for listening to jazz.

My in-laws live in Northern Ireland, they wouldn't want to be joined with the South mainly I reckon for practical reasons. Lots of public sector jobs, free water and prescriptions. Down south they don't have the NHS to the point where people go to their pharmacist the way we go to a GP, and half the under 25s have fucked off to Canada looking for jobs. Like with Scotland, I'd genuinely be interested to see how long it would take the novelty to wear off once free bridges and educations in a country of less than six million weren't being subsidised by 50 million.

The problem with a lot of middle management in these companies is that corporations are often just climbing frames for mediocre human beings. We've all worked in places like this, we go in innocently and want to do well, then figure out pretty quickly it's a load of bollocks so end up either moving on or sticking around because we have to provide for our families. Most of us thought would much rather be doing something else (such as being a writer and living in the Isle of Man with a cocker-spaniel in my case). Management types though depend on the job for everything, as well as the source of their income it's the source of their status, their desk and its layout is how they define themselves and their lives, they'd be nothing without it, they have no dreams or ambitions of their own, and if they're ever laid off they usually go into a deep spiral. These people are to be pitied really. Here lies Billy Bogsworth, team leader at the United Utilities debt collection call centre division, he made a lot of money for the shareholders.

At my old place they installed a new CEO who was from a banking sector, so he decided to apply 'comparative performance' to everyone. Basically that means for every team, someone has to be outstanding, most have to be average, and someone HAS to be shit, even if you're all doing well. It was a farce. You can measure performance in banking because it's easy to see who's made the most money, but this was things like graphic designers and shit. Loads ended up getting pissed off and leaving. Managers used to say you had to 'stand out in the crowd', so you had people joining fucking gospel choirs and Christmas focus groups and shit rather than being sat at their desk doing their jobs. When I left the boss said she was going to give me our team's 'failing' grade, because I was leaving anyway and it means she wouldn't have to give it to someone else. One of the biggest problems in our society is that the people at the top who believe in free markets and private sector efficiency have undoubtedly never working in an actual business, at least not below boardroom level, because if they did they'd know it's all bollocks. In all the businesses I've worked in, everyone was just pretending. The company pretended it gave a fuck about you, the manager pretended they gave a fuck, you pretended you gave a fuck about the company, but nobody gave a fuck. All we wanted was to not get laid off, the managers just wanted you to not make them look shit so they could keep their jobs, and the company just tolerated you until they could either fuck you off for a robot or sell up.