Things I have seen on public transport

[Captain Willard]

Hopefully self explanatory. We went to watch a match today so got the tube. A women got on with 2 live rats in her cleavage, sitting quite cheerfully in a neck scarf. She explained to the rest of us she had recently adopted them from the wild. 

[A Red]

Things I've seen on public transport?? I live in Cornwall, I rarely see public transport. Metropolitan elites.

[Captain Willard]

5 minutes ago, A Red said:

Things I've seen on public transport?? I live in Cornwall, I rarely see public transport. Metropolitan elites.

Ha ha. Classic GF hairshirt, seeing someone with a rat on a tube makes you part of the liberal elite. 

[Jairzinho]

I've actually also seen someone get their rat out on the train.

[Captain Willard]

26 minutes ago, Jairzinho said:

I've actually also seen someone get their rat out on the train.

I should have named the thread seeing rats and their owners on public transport 

[ZonkoVille77]

I saw a bloke having a shit upstairs at the back of the bus. He wasn't playing with the full deck, clearly had mental health issues. It was the last bus home and jammed too, so people had to put up with it. 

[Captain Turdseye]

On the X5/X1 bus from Speke Boulevard to Runcorn Old Town on a Saturday morning I sat behind a fella who must have fallen asleep at a house party because there was a bald patch on the back of his head that’d clearly been made by one stroke of the clippers. I had a photo but it was a long time ago. 
 

Same bus, saw a stand-off and very nearly a punch-up because the driver was trying to throw someone off the bus as his ticket wasn’t valid any further than Speke. It lasted a good 15 minutes, with half the bus shouting at the fella to get off and the other half telling the driver to stop being a jobsworth and get on with the journey. 
 

Same bus again, after some Xmas Eve drinking in town, my Uncle Knobhead couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to projectile vomit into a plastic bag. 
 

I’ve heard that that bus isn’t in service these days. 

[VladimirIlyich]

Just now, Captain Turdseye said:

On the X5/X1 bus from Speke Boulevard to Runcorn Old Town I sat behind a fella who must have fallen asleep at a house party because there was a bald patch on the back of his head that’d clearly been made by one stroke of the clippers. I had a photo but it was a long time ago. 
 

Same bus, saw a stand-off and very nearly a punch-up because the driver was trying to throw someone off the bus as his ticket wasn’t valid any further than Speke. It lasted a good 15 minutes, with half the bus shouting at the fella to get off and the other half telling the driver to stop being a jobsworth and get on with the journey. 
 

Same bus again, after some Xmas Eve drinking in town, my Uncle Knobhead couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to projectile vomit into a plastic bag. 
 

I’ve heard that that bus isn’t in service these days. 

It isn't mate. Some other company runs a similar route that takes about 3 hours to do a 25 minute journey.

[Captain Turdseye]

5 minutes ago, VladimirIlyich said:

It isn't mate. Some other company runs a similar route that takes about 3 hours to do a 25 minute journey.

Mad, that. It was an essential bus for a lot of people. I can’t imagine my life up there without it. 
 

I was going back and forth on that bus on my own from about eight years old. 

[Section_31]

Don't get the bus much now as I fucking hate it, but remember when I was in school some bloke that looked like the Cat from Red Dwarf got on, leaned over and said something to the driver, then the driver elbowed him in the face and chased him off the bus.

 

The Cat stood back and gave him the "come at me man", but the driver just started shouting racial abuse at him. When he got back on some old women said "there's no need for that kind of language" and he said "if you don't like it get off."

 

 

Another one was when some woman got on and asked how much to a certain destination. He said "1.50" or whatever. She said "how much?" "1.50", "how much" then he screamed "ONE FIFTY!!!", she goes "okay, I'm deaf you know!?!?"

 

But at the exact same time, a bloke stood behind her who had nothing to do with any of it,  just blew a raspberry.

 

It blew my mind. The brain can't cope with two completely random but unrelated mental things happening simultaneously.

[VladimirIlyich]

1 minute ago, Captain Turdseye said:

Mad, that. It was an essential bus for a lot of people. I can’t imagine my life up there without it. 
 

I was going back and forth on that bus on my own from about eight years old. 

Me and some mates used to get it into Town and then go to the match back in the 80s/90s.

[Captain Turdseye]

There was this one from a train I was on…

 

On 12/08/2015 at 21:43, Captain Turdseye said:

I changed at Stafford one time and a some fat fella on the opposite platform was proper wolfing down a Mars bar when he collapsed and started fitting. Sounds bad but it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. My train pulled in so I got on and thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of the scene on my phone, only for the flash to go off and make everyone who was helping the bloke turn round and look at me. Still makes me cringe thinking about it.

 

[Trumo]

I once saw a person lash his change at the driver and tell him to get a move on, only to get off again at the next stop, maybe 100m or so up the road. He didn't leg it afterwards, and he didn't look like he was busting for a piss or anything, so it seemed strange that he was in such a hurry.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

1 hour ago, Captain Turdseye said:

On the X5/X1 bus from Speke Boulevard to Runcorn Old Town on a Saturday morning I sat behind a fella who must have fallen asleep at a house party because there was a bald patch on the back of his head that’d clearly been made by one stroke of the clippers. I had a photo but it was a long time ago. 
 

Same bus, saw a stand-off and very nearly a punch-up because the driver was trying to throw someone off the bus as his ticket wasn’t valid any further than Speke. It lasted a good 15 minutes, with half the bus shouting at the fella to get off and the other half telling the driver to stop being a jobsworth and get on with the journey. 
 

Same bus again, after some Xmas Eve drinking in town, my Uncle Knobhead couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to projectile vomit into a plastic bag. 
 

I’ve heard that that bus isn’t in service these days. 

I've been worse than your Uncle Knobhead on that bus.  One time - a million years ago - I was pissed as arseholes and sat near the front.  When I vommed, it filled the aisle, so anyone getting off had to walk through it.

 

In hindsight, I'm not sure how I didn't get thrown off and/or chinned.

[Pidge]

Once sat down on a very crowded train while a bit drunk (after going to a match in London), only to realise the reason the seat was probably free was the guy the next seat was watching porn on his laptop. Weird stuff too, videos of women sleeping naked, apparently filmed without their knowledge. Before the train departed I called him a creepy fucker and left, advising a woman eyeing the seat that she probably shouldn't.

 

Two platforms over there was another train headed my way that took a slightly longer route, practically empty, of course. Spent the rest of the way back reflecting on how my actions probably made me look like the dodgy drunk, rambling weirdo on the train to most people there.

[TD_LFC]

Was on a train watching my specialist foreign cinema, two seats to myself enjoying my journey, and some weirdo came and sat next to me, he had the cheek to call me a creepy fucker when he's the one who sat next to me as well the dodgy drunk rambling weirdo.

 

 

 

 

[ZonkoVille77]

I saw middle aged woman, quite attractive, pick her nose and wipe it on the window, in full sight of everyone. Not an eyelid batted.

 

 

[Pidge]

2 minutes ago, TD_LFC said:

Was on a train watching my specialist foreign cinema, two seats to myself enjoying my journey, and some weirdo came and sat next to me, he had the cheek to call me a creepy fucker when he's the one who sat next to me as well the dodgy drunk rambling weirdo.

 

 

Creepy fucker

[TD_LFC]

5 minutes ago, Pidge said:

 

Creepy fucker

 

At the start of the story I thought you were going to say you were an unwitting participant in a game of cold seat/wet seat so it's not all bad.

[YorkshireRed]

I once saw a fire on the backseat of a double decker bus when I was about fourteen. 
 

That the two lads I was with, built and lit it, was by the by.

 

The police that were waiting for us when we arrived at the bus station threatened to duff us up as they escorted us to the cop shop. 
 

My mum wasn’t happy when she picked me up. 
 

I was never really cut out for a life of crime. 
 

Or traveling on public transport. 

[Jairzinho]

Just remembered the last time I was on a bus about six months ago the driver suddenly stopped the bus and announced to everyone that he was really sorry but he was desperate for a shit. He nipped to the nearest pub while about 30 people sat and waited a good 20 minutes for him to come back.

[Captain Willard]

There used to be a massively rough looking barefoot bloke at the bottom of the escalator at Bond Street station singing “My way” through a traffic cone. I think he’s dead now  

[YorkshireRed]

2 minutes ago, Captain Willard said:

escalator

I guess this counts as public transport. 

[DalyanPete]

I just wished I had the chance to get on public transport during my visit home. 3 buses unloaded at Queens square and then went out of service, cunts. I've complained and they said only the first one went out of service as it was 20 minutes late. Well why didn't I get on on them then? Lying arriva twats.

They take them out of service and do the route until they are on time, anyone within that distance has to swing for it.

31/2 hours to get from town to Maghull.

Better bus service in Dalyan.

[sir roger]

There was a legendary hard man in Skelmersdale called Andy Shack. One day my uncle was travelling on a bus from the Concourse to Digmoor ( about 10 minutes ) when Andy got on, threatened the driver and told him to take him to a friend's house on the way to Ormskirk. Everybody sat there looking at their shoes as they made an unnecessary hour long detour.

 

He is also reputed to have snapped every bar pump in a pub when a landlord barred him.