The world of a woman.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

We broke down and the AA came out, he said we needed a new battery (in her 1 litre corsa) seh say's to the fella once it's in "Great, will this make the car go faster now !!!??", wouldn't have thought so he replied, I told how ridiculous that was and she said 'well I put new batteries in the remote last night and it made that go faster'.

[sparta7]

He makes terrible music that gets overplayed. He gets hot woman throwing themselves at him. And then he did THAT fucking M&S advert, murdering a great Beatles song.

 

He is an unbelievable bastard-faced Cuntaxe.

I hope he gets aids. Bad aids. Bad shithouse aids.

 

Remmie speaks the truth

[Chippy]

Just thought of one.

 

We were watching Wife Swap :whatever: a couple of years ago & one of the people on it was a Rastafarian & kept mentioning Jah.

 

My one turns to me & says "Who's John? I'm sick of him going on about John & he's not even in the programme yet".

[ternando_forres]

A woman once asked me if Google Street View was live.

[lifetime fan]

They do your head in, that is until they do you a new CV and application form on the understanding you'd do a bowl of washing up.

[coops_lfc]

I'm not sure how many on TLW are familiar with the American tv show 'the 4400' basically it's about 4400 people who disappear at various moments in time and reappear in the same spot all aged the same as when they left.

 

Anywhoo the Mrs and I are in the middle of the 3rd series when she turns to me and asks "how many 4400 people are there?". Well dear there are 4400 of them.

 

Believe me when I say it's make it blatantly clear in practically every episode... And no she wasn't joking.

[Joe Le Taxi]

Hahahahaha

[Chippy]

"How do i work out where we are in comparison to Green Menich Time?"

[Bjornebye]

"why do they call a 69 a 69? I've only done it twice"

[Trumo]

"why do they call a 69 a 69? I've only done it twice"

 

It is at times like this where I wish Simon was still posting on the forum. His views on this were epic.

[melons]

Carnt Waite till next week gettin new tattoo , the pink cancer ribbon with les on, in memory of my uncle

 

To think this one was in higher sets than I was in school.

[lifetime fan]

To think this one was in higher sets than I was in school.

 

 

Shakes head.

[Juniper]

That latest advert from Asda comes on the tele with the butcher talking up a big portion of ribs.

 

Me: "Saw that earlier, nearly bought that for tea"

 

Her: "Not in the mood for chicken today"

 

Me: ......

[lifetime fan]

It is at times like this where I wish Simon was still posting on the forum. His views on this were epic.

 

Not if she was Chinese though, you don't want to go down on a greasy cunt.

[Juniper]

Got one of those TiVo boxes recently. She's seen me watching recorded programmes, fast forwarding away to my hearts content.

 

Been trying to explain tonight why she can't fast forward live tele each advert break (she hates adverts). I've tried to explain it in detail, in brief but she doesn't understand that the future hasn't happened yet and we can't fast forward through it.

 

I'm not making much progress.

[Juniper]

"Well they made it so they must know what comes next!"

[Fowlers God]

Went to the May day Fair with the family including her dad, wife and their son (her 20 year age gap brother)

 

As it was pissing it down with rain we went into the coffee shop where her sister works. I walked up to the counter and was taking all the orders for Hot choclates, Mochas etc when the wife of her dad said. "do they do nescafe" to which I replied no with an utter look of embarrasment on my face before I couldnt think it could get any worse she shouted out- "oh any instant will do then"

[lifetime fan]

Got a phone call lunch time, she's on her way back from doing the horses and shoved a load of horse rugs in her boot to drop off to be cleaned. Anyways she's on the phone to me in hysterics yelling there's a really loud hissing coming from the boot and she thinks she has a snake in one of the rugs can I come downstairs and sort it out for her.

 

I get the keys off her and as I'm about to open the boot she shouts 'go careful, I don't want you getting hurt', my reply of 'you fucking sort it' then went down rather well I thought.

 

I open the boot to find about half a dozen horse rigs rammed in there and a noise far too loud for it to be any snake. As soon as I pull the first rug out you can see her de-icer has no lid on it and the pressure from the rugs was spraying it everywhere.

 

My constant texts of 'hiss' are going down well too.

[Rico1304]

I was working away last week and sick of hotel food walked to the local boozer for some food. There was a group of birds about early 20's at the table next to me. They seemed ok apart from one loudmouth who kept cutting across her mates and dragging the conversation back to herself.

 

Their conversation got onto dieting and the loudmouth stated that her lifestyle meant she couldn't diet. I wanted to say "well love from what I can see your 'lifestyle' consisted of eating burgers and downing cider so you are dead fucking right" instead I rolled my eyes and got a sympathetic look from one of her mates.

[Lucky Pierre]

Can we include extremely camp fellas in this?

 

The Ice cream van occasionally visits our car park in work - and today this fella goes (in all seriousness)

"That Ice cream man is playing the same tune as the one round my street. Do you reckon it's the same one?"

 

Bear in mind he lives a good 25 miles away.

[AJBlaikie]

When discussing at work the fact that the new baths at Wigan has an Olympic size swimming pool one of my female colleagues asked seriously "Are the Olympics being held in Wigan?"

[Nasty Lizard]

My mate and his bird are driving along with the radio on and the newsreader says there's been a train crash somewhere and a mail train has derailed.

 

My mates bird exclaims straight away that she "didn't know you could get male and female trains".

[Joe Le Taxi]

[Ezekiel 25:17]

My bird on holiday said she hated seeing soldiers carrying those horrible guns 'aka47's', but that's nothing compared to the girl in work who asked her dad what was good for easing insect bites. He told her to get some 'tiger balm' and rub it on them, She went the Asda and bought Tiger 'BARMS' and was rubbing bread on them all night, frightening scenes.

[Trumo]

...but that's nothing compared to the girl in work who asked her dad what was good for easing insect bites. He told her to get some 'tiger balm' and rub it on them, She went the Asda and bought Tiger 'BARMS' and was rubbing bread on them all night, frightening scenes.

 

 

Mother: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a...bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?

Balthasar: It is a valuable balm.

Mother: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

Balthasar: What?

Mother: That's a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!

Melchior: No, it isn't!

Mother: Yes, it is! It's great big uhug...

Gaspar: No, no, no, it is an ointment.