The world of a woman.

[stringvest]

DANGER DANGER

 

 

 

that made me laugh out loud,.

[VladimirIlyich]

The term 'handbrake' was clearly unknown to them.

Its just something for men to play with while they're driving instead of their balls.

[Champ]

On a driving theme my daughter has decided she wants to learn to drive and buy herself a car.

 

Mr C: That sounds good. What kind of car are you thinking about?

 

Daughter: A red one

 

She’s not right, that girl

[General Dryness]

She's got the right idea, red ones go faster.

[Geoff Woade]

Got a couple to add to this.

 

My mates ex is thick as fuck but provided decent entertainment.

 

We booked as a group to go away to York and we're driving up as her dad calls. He asks where we are on the motorway as he's also on the M62, she goes 'in the middle lane'

 

Another time, when she's aged about 23 her parents decide she can finally be trusted to stay in the house on her own while they go on holiday. After a few days she rings my mate and asks him to go round to show her how to work the washing machine, he's like 'fuck sake' but goes round, tells her, when he says 'then that's it, press the start button' she looks at him and goes 'you thick twat, at least I remembered you need to put the water in, how do you do that?'

He tried to tell her it's plumbed in so it goes in automatically but she started calling him all sorts saying he was just telling her that so she'd look like a dick when he told his mates down the pub that she believed the water magically appeared in the machine.

 

She's a cracker to be fair, a load of us we're out one night and one lad who always lowers the tone started going on about how his piles were giving him gyp. She goes in front of everyone 'what are piles' someone explained it in the most gentle terms and she starts looking dead worried and just asks straight out 'can you get them from being bummed'

[littletedwest]

My sons speech and language teacher phoned me by mistake while we were on holiday. Same thing happened again last night.

Anyway, my mrs is now convinced i'm having an affair with her. This is despite the fact that she is 10 years younger than me, is too fit to be interested in a skint married man, has a boyfriend and would probably get the sack for gross misconduct if she ever shagged me.

Then she asked if i find her attractive and has a cob on now because of an imaginary scenario she has invented in her head.

Girl from work rang me the other year needing my help with something ( as I was her manager) she ended the call with " have a good day " I replied " You too"

 

She then asked did I love this girl as in her head she'd said "l love you" and I'd replied with her sat next too me " you too"

 

The girl no longer works for me but when we do speak on the phone now ends every call with " love you" as a joke

I obviously don't take her calls when with the mrs

[littletedwest]

My sons speech and language teacher phoned me by mistake while we were on holiday. Same thing happened again last night.

Anyway, my mrs is now convinced i'm having an affair with her. This is despite the fact that she is 10 years younger than me, is too fit to be interested in a skint married man, has a boyfriend and would probably get the sack for gross misconduct if she ever shagged me.

Then she asked if i find her attractive and has a cob on now because of an imaginary scenario she has invented in her head.

Girl from work rang me the other year needing my help with something ( as I was her manager) she ended the call with " have a good day " I replied " You too"

 

She then asked did I love this girl as in her head she'd said "l love you" and I'd replied with her sat next too me " you too"

 

The girl no longer works for me but when we do speak on the phone now ends every call with " love you" as a joke

I obviously don't take her calls when with the mrs

[Stouffer]

She doesn't like Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

 

. Help.

[General Dryness]

She doesn't like Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

 

. Help.

Stick her under the patio with the others and move on. It's the only way.

[TheHowieLama]

She doesn't like Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

 

. Help.

 

Play another track first -- try this, if she cant move her hips here then time to check, check, check it out::

 

[Mook]

One of our clients has gone into liquidation, my boss, "Another one hits the dust."

[Pureblood]

I can't get it around my head. 

[General Dryness]

One of our clients has gone into liquidation, my boss, "Another one hits the dust."

They'll be going down like nine flies next.

[Harry Squatter]

Best way to get maximum drama is to update your Facebook status saying that your kid is in Alder Hey and make out they are dying even though they only have flu. You'll get the "u ok hun?" Brigade out in a flash telling you what a fantastic mother you are.

[Mook]

My boss again, we've been working in this new office in Princes Street (the main street in Edinburgh city centre) since 1st November & she turns round to me a minute ago, "Where is there to eat around here?".

 

Just. Fuck. Off.

 

After I'd finished ignoring that question...

 

"Is it cold outside?"

[Mook]

She's on fire today...

 

"Stuck between a rock & a hard café."

[Paulie Dangerously]

My dad got ToddleD a bag of marbles, he refers to them as "ollies" instead of marbles.  

 

LadyD : I wonder why marbles are called ollies round here

Me:      Must have been something from when people my dads age were growing up, something small and round comparable to a marble and the name stuck

LadyD: Do you think it might have been olives?

 

Yes, in 1960s Liverpool, County Road to be exact,  olives were so plentiful that people saw marbles and instantly thought "fuck me that looks like an olive"

[Pureblood]

She's on fire today...

 

"Stuck between a rock & a hard café."

 

I think I love her.

[Dougie Do'ins]

She's on fire today...

 

"Stuck between a rock & a hard café."

How the fuck do you get any work done ? I'd be in the bogs pissing myself laughing.

[Mook]

How the fuck do you get any work done ? I'd be in the bogs pissing myself laughing.

 

I'm usually so zoned out of anything she's saying that it takes a moment for the magnitude of her latest gaff to dawn on me. The mixture of that & the general misery of being at work kind of dampens the hilarity.

 

There have been times that I've had to walk away giggling though.

[Champ]

I think I love her.

You’ll have to fight Dougie for her

[Dougie Do'ins]

You’ll have to fight Dougie for her

Nar I'm fine for women in work who talk bollocks tar very much.

[Furmedge]

She's just called me in work to tell me she at a car park in town and can't get the car started, the hazards won't go off and the alarm is sounding. It's only 6 months old so I'm racking my brain to help her work out what it could be. After 3 seconds of thinking she tells me I'm going to have to leave work to come and help her. Fuck that, I'm on treble time today so I'm not knocking back a few hundred quid to pick her up.

 

After a minute or two and trying a few different things she then exclaims she's tried everything and can't even get the key to turn. Say what? I cheekily ask her if she's put the wheel lock on and not tried to move the steering wheel when putting the key in? Hey presto, the car starts and she's shouting fuck off down the phone as I piss myself to her inability to start a car.

 

Thinking of taking it off her and buying her a bike with stabilisers.

[Pureblood]

You’ll have to fight Dougie for her

 

She's mine.  Mine!

[The_Goat]

I was on the train yesterday going the game and a couple got on at one the stops. The woman was telling her fella that she wanted to face forwards when the train pulled away. Her fella then told her which seat to seat on. She wasn't sure this was correct and started shouting at him 'are you sure?' The fella then had to explain to his missus that the train had just come from one direction and would continue on its journey in the same direction. The woman was well into her 40's.