Furmedge

I like my lager, usually imported ones but I also drink alcohol free lager, for good reason. My daughter wakes up regularly through the night so one of us has to get up with her and sometimes go out in the car for an early morning drive, so alcohol free lager it is when I fancy a few of them. Budweiser is fucking rank for starters, as is Becks Blue. The Bavaria 0% is okay, but believe it or not the Stella 0% is lovely. £2.50 for four bottles in Asda and it goes down well if enjoying the taste and not being arsed about getting pissed is your game, rare as it is for some people. Heineken is okay but doesn't taste too much like lager and is sweet, and I'd give the Birra Moretti a go but at £1 a bottle I keep swerving it. The Erdinger one is another favourite and is described on the bottle as an isotonic drink. Gets to your thirst, fast. But 0% spirits? Don't see the appeal. May as well have a glass of 7up if you're going down that road.

Thinking you've got a couple of months before the new financial year to devise a new tool for work only for the director of the company booking a meeting in for this Thursday morning for an 'update and see where you're up to so far'. Currently at the *checks notes........* fucking not a thing stage.

She's absolutely smashing.

If I could do that I wouldn't have bought an elephant.

Yeah, I love doing that.

Was in The Asda the other week and a mate of mine was with his other half and they said hello as I was in the queue. I said hello back and called his current missus by his ex missus' name. They've been going out for 6 years and I'm still getting it wrong. Cue a 5 second awkward silence and a 2 minute further awkward conversation. One when I've wanted to ground to swallow me whole was when someone else said something in my presence. My sister in law turned 22 and I was around 30/31. A group of us went to a comedy club and me and the wife were the oldest in the group by a considerable number of years, as the rest of the group was made up of friends my brothers/sister in laws age. The compere was warming the crowd up and shouted out "Is it anyones birthday?", and a whoop of delight went up from our table from the 8 other people in the group, not me and the wife. "Who are you with, love?" says the compere, and without a hint of shame the sister in law shouts, "I'm just out with my HOMIES" with an emphasis on the final word. A groan of awkward discomfort came from people around us and me and the wife just stared at each other, whilst the remainder of our group whooped along. "Sorry girl, I didn't catch that" calls back the compere and asks her to repeat herself, and me and the wife are already scuttling our chairs away from he group. "I'm out with my <<dramatic pause>> HOOOO-MIES!!" The compere didn't even take the piss out of her. The stunned silence did that for him.

I'm both hands in the bucket with this having read only the last page and feel lucky. What do I do?

As it stands, it's only the English and Scottish leagues that are at risk to suspension unless the rest of Europe begins to creak under the strain, so the Euro's won't be cancelled to allow just our leagues to complete. They may play the Euro's and reconvene the season after its conclusion, pushing next years back again. Personally, I believe if the league is suspended it will take around 3 months to get back up and running again, and you've got contracts expiring, sponsorship, broadcasting contracts etc which was an issue last season and can't see them wanting to go through it all again. The answer? Fuck knows.

Never heard of the cunt.

Like the time when Jeremy Beadle turned up for your celebrity fisting?

Lots of long balls last night from Carlo's team. Maybe he's bought into their ethos.

How many tubs of butter does he use?

Walking towards the outrageously long queues in the supermarket and seeing a checkout just opening and darting in before anyone else gets onto it.

That's what I did in the end. I set the PS5 up last week and put it back in the box for Christmas morning so he's not spending ages updating it. Managed to transfer everything over from the 4 to the 5 that he'd want to play.

We've got outdoor bulbed string lights in the garden that go the whole way round and are screwed into all the fences. Looks boss in the summer to be fair when you're out having a late drink and it's warm. Had them on last night while I was loading the ale into the shed for Christmas and she said to keep them on as it was nice to look out onto while she was working from the kitchen table. Fair enough. She then said we should put them on whenever we can as it makes the garden look lovely, but, and I quote, "it would be nice if we could paint the fence panels grey before Christmas" with a knowing nod in my direction. A swift "fuck off" put paid to that one.