Joke!

[taliesin08]

People say nothing last forever...

 

Try wanking over Susan Boyle...!

[halewood pete]

My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse.

I asked how did he tell them apart.

Oh thats easy,he said,maureens got massive tits,and dereks got a moustache

[Captain Turdseye]

My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

 

I said, "Of course you can."

 

"It's a bit awkward." He replied.

 

I said, "No problem, fire away."

 

"Why have you got your cock in the Hoover?"

[Alan Sex]

[MOGLET]

A woman goes to the doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her minge

 

The doctor says, that looks nasty

 

She replies

 

Nasty? thats just the tip of the iceberg.

[Seanleonardart]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

 

And then I saw her face.

[Captain Turdseye]

I've got 2 f******l jokes on the front page on sickipedia. My username is STIRZY. God bless Barcelona.

[halewood pete]

Bob the builder walks up to a girl in a bar and says to her,"iv'e got a nine inch cock and can shag all night"

After a few drinks,she goes home with him,but the next morning she say to him

"you said you had a nine inch cock and could shag all night,but its only five inches and you lasted three minutes"

Bob says "Im a builder love,that was just an estimate!"

[halewood pete]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair,but by turning to religion I was able to come to terms with the whole situation.

I converted to Islam,and we are stoning the fucking slag in the morining.

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

I used to be a bit of a ladies man when i was younger and all the lads called me Mr Lover Lover .

But last night i shagged a disabled bird up the arse , now they call me Mr Bum Spastic.

 

Gary Glitter was recently asked about his views on euthanasia.

He said they all look sexy to him.

 

How do Muslims practice safe sex?

They mark the camels that kick.

 

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

 

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late.

She loved me wrong time.....

 

A woman has been admitted to hospital with a Dyson nozzle stuck up her arse.

Although she is in intensive care, Doctors have said she's picking up nicely.

[Byrnie]

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines

 

Seems a bit sexist.

[dennis tooth]

Adele is a wonderful singer and I sometimes listen to her when I'm lying in bed.

 

This isn't a joke.

 

ha ha

I've been having trouble sleeping recently, and a friend suggested I try listening to whale songs.

 

So I bought Adele's album off iTunes.

 

ha ha, when

[Guest davelfc]

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

 

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

 

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

 

 

 

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

 

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

 

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

 

"My point exactly."

 

 

 

 

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

 

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

 

 

 

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

 

If only they could see me now...

 

 

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"

 

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

 

 

 

I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs.

We haven't had a single customer.

[HighlyExplosive]

A woman has a baby the doctor says there is good news and bad news.

 

The bad news is your baby is ginger.

 

The good news is he's dead.

[Guest davelfc]

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat. “That’s a pussy,” she said.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy. Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture of a dog. But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.

“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.” Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

[halewood pete]

Apparently,the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag,

So now,every morning I slap the wife and say"Two sugars,fat arse"

[halewood pete]

Husband and wife on their 15th Anniversary.wife undresses and asks"what did you think when i stripped for you 15 years ago"?

He says"i wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"

she says "and what are you thinking now"?

he says"looks like i did a pretty good job"

[halewood pete]

just spent £40 on e-bay for a penis enlarger,and some bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

[Da Bitch]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

Keep reading-they get better!!!

 

 

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WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

 

 

 

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

 

 

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

 

 

 

 

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

 

 

 

 

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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

 

 

 

 

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[loadsoftrophies]

Urrgh.

[The Special One]

Not the best place for those 'jokes' to be appreciated DB.

[Mustangt125]

someone neg that bitch

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke......

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

[Lucky Pierre]

Not the best place for those 'jokes' to be appreciated DB.

They're also crap.

[The Special One]

Hence the '' around the word jokes.