Joke!

[taliesin08]

Just been to my mates funeral, he was killed by a tennis ball hitting him on the head.

 

It was a lovely service...

[halewood pete]

Its been confirmed that rhinestone cowboy singer glen campbell is suffering from Alzheimers disease,hes now getting cards and letters from people he don't even know.

 

(wonder if hes remembered the dollar tucked inside his shoe?)

[halewood pete]

My mate just asked me on facebook when its ok to have sex with young girls,I told him when they leave school,mate if your reading this, I didn't mean 3.15 p.m.!

[halewood pete]

Apparently,the Beckhams latest child Harper 7 was named after Poshes favourite magazine and davids favourite number.Thats fucking ridiculous ,as i said to my eldest.Razzle 69 at breakfast this morning.

[loadsoftrophies]

Just for back from competing in the Blindfolded World Wanking Championships.

 

I've no idea where I came.

 

 

My stand-up comedy routine at the National Bouncers Convention didn't go down well.

 

Tough crowd.

 

I remember when my mum used to feed me when I was little, she'd hold the spoon up and say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" and we'd always eat it, because we knew if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the rails.

[Captain Turdseye]

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail.

"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

 

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

 

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

 

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."

[TheBitch]

I've let the local kids shave my hair for charity.

 

It makes my cock look bigger.

[halewood pete]

took the wife bungee jumping while on holiday recently,as she plummeted two hundred feet and smashed into the rocks below,I thought well that will teach you to lie about your weight!.

[halewood pete]

MY wife said to me this morning "you are the laziest bastard i have ever known,pack your bags and fuck off"

 

I said,"you fucking pack them"!.

[halewood pete]

Some kid just asked me "which is your favourite telly tubby"?

 

I said probably the 42'' samsung plasma ,you cheeky little bastard !

[taliesin08]

Went to a bulima party last night, the place was heaving.

[Guest davelfc]

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

 

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

 

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

 

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

[Guest davelfc]

My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door then goes round the back to answer his own knocks.....

 

I don't think he knows what he is letting himself in for.

[Guest davelfc]

My wife is going to leave me in 3 weeks because my psychic abilities scare her...

[brucespanner]

Amy Winehouse ascends to heaven to be met with a massive queue.

 

She get's annoyed and moves to the back.

 

She waits for a while, she's got an eternity so it shouldn't matter, before St Peter ushers her towards the front.

 

'Is it because I'm famous?' asks Winehouse

 

'No' St Peter replies 'We're just waiting for a Norwegian translator'

 

Boom Boom

[Guest Jon Snow]

Amy Winehouse ascends to heaven to be met with a massive queue.

 

She get's annoyed and moves to the back.

 

She waits for a while, she's got an eternity so it shouldn't matter, before St Peter ushers her towards the front.

 

'Is it because I'm famous?' asks Winehouse

 

'No' St Peter replies 'We're just waiting for a Norwegian translator'

 

Boom Boom

 

Cuntish joke negged.

[Captain Turdseye]

I've negged you for a joke in the joke thread. Not to worry though, my negs do fuck all to your rep count, I just like to tell everyone when I've repped or negged someone.

 

It's alright, I've repped him to cancel it out.

[halewood pete]

Wife just bought a pair of Meatloaf knickers,

On the front it says '' I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE''

On the back it says''BUT I WONT DO THAT''!!!

[brucespanner]

Did I tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

 

P.s cheers CT

Edited August 1, 2011 by brucespanner
A thank you

[Captain Turdseye]

Welcome to the Dragons' Den, where we welcome new Dragon, Hilary Devey, who made her millions in the haulage industry.

 

Hauling around her massive testicles.

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

Heather Mills is the latest to claim her phone was hacked.

And I thought it was just her leg.

 

I rammed an ice lolly up my arse today.

It was Fab.

[halewood pete]

Amessage to the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,

 

Yoy can hide,but you can't run !

[Guest davelfc]

I didnt realise how much my wife loved me,

Till recently when i was off work with the flu,,

Everytime there was a knock on the door,she'd jump up shouting,

"my husband's home, my husband's home"

[Red_Scorpio]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

 

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, I spat in this beer, do not drink.

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, So did I.

[ChrisM]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

 

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, I spat in this beer, do not drink.

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, So did I.