Da Bitch

Haven't been in this thread before, sorry to hear about your fiance, congrats on the wedding,I know what a bastard this disease is. Lost my mother in law to it abouts 20yrs ago she had it in the breast then the lung then finally it spread to the brain that was awful as she didn't rekconise her own children, it knock my partner for six, couple of years back my dad's 2nd wife died of Liver cancer, Back in August I was told I have an underactive thyroid, also have problem with my liver my autoimmune is screwing with my liver functions I've had blood tests,ultrasound & a CT scan so far as I have a spot on my liver will hopefully know This wednesday coming what it is & what treatmentI'm gonna have, already had one ghoul suggest I might have the big C!!........

Taxi 3 (french) - While quite funny isn't a patch on 1 & 2 - 8/10 Casablanca -Classic, Doesn't matter how many times you watch itstill brilliant 10/10

Had any one seen though twist of Sauces ie mayo with twist of garlic, there is evenone that has worcestershire & soy sauces combined,While I was on break the other I was asked by a colleague why I went to the local sandwich shop & paid their prices & not buy from work (has sandwich deal) my answer was because A they don't sell the sandwich I was having & B they put much to much pepper on the sandwiches & the ones I like with little or no pepper have either have mustard or horseradish on them, which lead to what stuff do I like on my sandwiches/ Butties ? here are just some Cheese & ham: Mayo or salad cream Bacon : tom or BBQ sauce Sauage: Mayo/tom or BBQ (depends on mood & what available) Salmon: Lemon (putting pepper on it is morally incomprehensable!)

Marmite of the chocolate world, sorry but Lindt Lindor eggs are the mutts nuts!!

Put it this way, if I was his girlfriend I'd double glove my hand & dragged the fucker screaming & kicking by his nads to a clinic & get him tested for ever fucking concievable STD there is, before I'd let him put his dick anywhere nearme after going with any of those morally challenged, publistity seeking kiss & tell merchants!!

Since Feb Of this Year I've read: Sudden Death By Allison Brennan - Really good didn't see part of the ending coming. Secrets In Priors Ford by Eve Houston -enjoyable read about the goings on in a small scottish village. Epiphany By David Hewson- Couldn't get in to this book don't know why! can't put my finger on it! The Stretch By Stephen Leather - excellent nice twist at the end love his books (part of the Dan Sheppard Series). Katrina's Secert by Mary Janes Staples - Not bad saga book read better ones from her. The Chinaman by Stephen Leather-Excellent stand alone book great ending. My Shit Life So Far by Frankie Boyle - So-so some laugh out loud moments but a tad weird,don't know what drugs he was doing when he wrote this?? Target By Simon Kernick - A bit of a slow burner which is unusual for him but got there in the end! London's Strangest Tales By Tom Quinn - Interesting collection of facts, like in the medival times was a place just off Cheapside where prossies plied their trade called Gropecunt Lane & why none of the thoughfares in the city itself are called Roads! Red Eye by Richard Aellen- Nothing to write home about in fact I got bored with it. The Love Killers by Jackie Collins- short but sweet for her!! The Lizard's Bite by David Hewson - Excellent 2nd in the Nic Costa series, simmlar to Dan Brown but a much better writer! Teacher Teacher by Jack Sheffield - 1st in a series excellent very funny read in one sitting on a rainy Sunday afternoon,read the 2nd book sometime last year that too way funny it's about Sheffield 1st headmaster job at a yorkshire village school in the early 80's. It's Not About The Bike By Lance Armstrong - Quite good he does an indepth description of his cancer treatment, does have a few moments that raise a chuckle or two. At the moment I'm reading two books Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks Just under 1/2 way though the book so far can't see what the hypes all about? & Grave Secrets By Kathy Reichs on about page 24 so far ok.

Well the people/Idiots (insert other if you want)of Bradford west will soon learn that he doesn't give a Rodents rectum about them, when he was MP for my area(also has a large Muslim communtity) he did as one poster summed it up the square root of FUCK ALL!!!

Yep, the shop I work in sells one gonna wait until it'

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a Financial Bail-Out ? To a simple mind, this is it. It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down harshly, and all the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some room-keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and rushes down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of animal feed and fuel. The man at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the friendly neighbourhood pub. The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar - who, in spite of facing hard times, has always gladly offered him her 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes over to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 Euro note. The hotel proprietor quietly replaces the100 Euro note back on the counter, so that the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that none of the rooms are satisfactory, picks up the 100 Euro note, pockets it and leaves town. No one has produced anything. No one has earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, dear ladies and gentlemen, is how a basic financial bailout package works! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Five Horses Is Her Name This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful... A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Bridesmaid 3/10 some good bits mostly not so good basically turgid!

Best revenge is for you to tell him that you'll get him back but he won't know or where! then leave it just sit back, Basically mind fuck the bastard. Or you could just punch the bellend when you come back from hols

Why do people call Ratboy a CUNT? When that thing doesn't have the warmth or depth!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies , 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Something Got To Get You In To My Life A Hard Day's Night East London

Hate most ads on both Radio & T.V very few make me chuckle! My daughters mate calls WKD etc.... Proof Juice! Have to disagree about the Foster ads they make me laugh.

HUMAN RIGHTS!...... Nuff said

Try Kathy Reichs (TV show Bones is based on her books), Karen Rose, Karin Slaughter, all write thrillers. Agree about Dan Brown read Davinci code badly written rehash of Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent ..et al plus Sam Bourne is a better writer IMO.

A kindle is on my wishlist along with a notebook & a external hard drive already got two other things I had on the list & i pod ( 2nd hand but it works) & a digital camera (brand new). But have to admit I do love my books!

Found this the other day while going though somestuff The Lost Dr.Seuss Poem I love my job,I love the pay! I love it more & more each day. I love my boss, he is the best! I love his boss & all the rest. I love my office & it's location,I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab & grey, & the piles of paper that grow each day, I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers, I love their leers , & jeers, & sheers. I love my computer & it's software: I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program & every file, I'd love them more if they worked a while. I'm happy to be here. I am, I am. I'm the happiest slave of the firm, Iam. I love this work, I loves these chores. I love the meeting with deadly bores. I love my job - I'll say it again- I even love those friendly men. Those friendly men who've come today, In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!! 10 Inches The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times it's size when stimulated?" No-one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, & said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, & they go & tell the principle , who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parkes ignored her & asked the question again, "Which human body part increases to ten times it's size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, then she say to those around her "Boy, is she going to get in to big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her & said to the class "anybody?" Finally , Billy stood up, looked around nervously, & said " The body part that increases to ten times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary & continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, & Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

wouldn't you like to know :whistle: :D

West Is West 5/5 Enjoyed this more than East Is East, even though I like both films. The Tourist 5/5, Liked the twist at the end.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This cracks me up, mind you the rest of the Aldi ad are quite funny too!:D

Unstoppable 8/10 better than I thought it'd be as I was told by quite a few people it was boring!!

What's a WAGS's idea of natural birth? No make up whatsoever! What did the Jewish mother cash dispenser say to her customers? You never write , you never call & you only visit me when you need money! When I die I want to be buried under the local pub, that way at least I know my husband would visit me 7 days a week! What kind Of cigerettes do Jewish mothers smoke? Gefiltered What is the most common disease transmitted by Catholic (Jewish) mothers? Guilt! Beckie,Sadie & Hannah are bragging about their sons. Beckie says," My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London." Sadie Says," My son has done even better than that, He is the best doctor in London." Hannah says" My son has not done that well, He doesn't have a very good job & he's gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London & the other is the best doctor in London." Four old school friends are having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman, says ' My son is now a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him " Father".' The Second Catholic woman then says ' My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks in to a room , people call him " Your Grace".' The Third catholic woman says 'My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called " Your Eminence".' The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just sat there & sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give her this subtle 'Well-?' So she replies, ' My son is 6ft 6ins, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders,terribly handsome, dresses well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard bum & a very nice bulge. ' Whenever he walks in to a room . women gasp, " Oh my God." '