The GF Parenting Thread

[Ezekiel 25:17]

15 hours ago, Karl_b said:

Also, your lad is now 17?! Fuck, we're all old.

 

 

Yeah, that's incredibly worrying, not far off my age of joining the forum.

[Karl_b]

2 hours ago, Mook said:

Bob is correct, that nonsense should have been knocked on the head immediately.

 

@Karl_b The only advice I can give is to get the bairn into a routine. Our youngest was awful for nine months until we found the perfect routine & he was never much bother after that. Obviously everybody is different.

 

Exactly what we're trying now, mate, good advice. We're working to remove the bottles, she doesn't have them for naps any more and we're aiming to only have the one pre-bedtime. Hopefully it'll only take a few weeks, she already has a good bedtime routine and she drinks from a cup, it's just become a comfort thing at night.

 

Funnily enough, we did have some progress last night - she woke up a lot because she had wind early on but once that'd gone she slept pretty well.

[Mudface]

2 minutes ago, Karl_b said:

Funnily enough, we did have some progress last night - she woke up a lot because she had wind early on but once that'd gone she slept pretty well.

 

What about the baby?

[Jose Jones]

Rather timely: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jan/30/if-youre-up-all-night-with-a-newborn-why-not-try-these-activities

 

Congratulations on your brand new bub. If you’re anything like us, your newborn is keeping you busy, busy, busy in the day and awake, awake, awake at night! While completely normal, these sleepless nights can take their toll, but they don’t have to be all doom and gloom. Here are some things to do while you’re up and about.

 

Read the first paragraph of a novel 70 times

Calling all bookworms! Think of your long nights awake as an opportunity to get stuck right into some reading! Whether it’s one of the classics, contemporary literature or just a breezy beach read, take some time for yourself while you’re desperately rocking your baby to sleep to squint hazily at the first paragraph of a great book, immediately lose the ability to parse its meaning, and read it again five minutes later. If you don’t have a novel on hand, you can also struggle to make sense of the words on a tin of formula over and over again in the half-light of the kitchen. It’s up to you!

 

Scroll social media in a state of near catatonia until you accidentally drop your phone on your baby’s head
Just because you’re a parent, that doesn’t mean you don’t need to keep up with the outside world! Pop bub on your chest, grab your phone, fire up Twitter and get up to date with the opinions of some of the most unwell people on planet Earth. Keeping your mind active during this time is so important, so get your brain moving by mutely seething about the thoughts of people who you would actively avoid were you to see them on the street, until your phone slips from your grasp and lands on your newborn’s face, just as they were getting settled.

 

Work out what plastic is made of so your four-year-old doesn’t scream at you in the morning
The middle of the night is a good time to work on stuff for yourself, but it’s important to remember the needs of others.

If, for example, your four-year-old son who is not coping very well with the arrival of his little brother asked you yesterday what plastic was made out of, and you said “oil” because that’s something you heard on a podcast, and then he asked “what do you mean by that” and then you realised you didn’t really know what you meant by that, but you were in too deep and so you just sort of sheepishly mumbled “oil” again, and this caused him to go absolutely ballistic at you, which seemed a little unfair in your opinion, but of course this isn’t really about what plastic is made out of, it’s because you and his mother just ruined his life – if that happened, then you can use this time in the small hours to try to understand what, exactly, polymerisation is, and how you’d best go about explaining that to a four-year-old who hates you.

 

Look at your baby, mutter odd things

Take some time to look at your brand new bub and mutter some stuff to yourself that, were you to mutter them on public transport, would probably cause people to move away from you. “A whole universe in those eyes”, is one such thing you can whisper in the dark while you look at the baby; “a life where there was nothing before” is another. There are no rules about what you can mutter, but a good guide is “Would Ralph Fiennes in Red Dragon scream this at someone glued to a wheelchair?” If the answer is yes, mutter away!

 

Become insane
Becoming medically insane, brain-wise, is an absolute must for parents of newborns. Going cuckoo-bananas in your mind is a great way to pass the time on those long sleepless nights; whether you want to gaze mutely into the abyss, compose a series of threatening letters to the zoo or briefly convince yourself you’ve invented a new number – take some time for yourself to glide seamlessly into a state of exquisite madness; an elite and decadent mindset previously reserved for the syphilitic kings of old.

 

Look into whether babies can go to jail for this
Unfortunately, your baby not sleeping despite being gently wrapped in a cuddly swaddle and sung to nonstop between the hours of 3.30am and 5am is not in violation of any current state or federal laws. However, Googling “sue baby no sleep” and “baby court for bad baby” can be a fun and cathartic distraction.

 

Do not sleep
While doctors and cowards generally recommend a person sleep seven hours a night, this does not take into account that you have a baby on you and if you take the baby off you and put the baby in the baby’s bed, then the baby will make a noise loud enough to humble the ears of God. If you’re feeling left out of the “sleep club”, just think of all the notable people who slept very little but still achieved great things, and try to ignore the fact that the most famous of these was Margaret Thatcher.

 

Think up fun ways you could fake your own death
While pacing around the living room for the 20th time trying to make soothing ocean noises but instead sounding like a steam train wrought by Satan, let your mind conjure up various ways you could fake your own death and flee to Aruba, where you run a beachside bar serving cold beer to the locals who have given you an affectionate nickname in their local tongue which roughly translates as “the person who does not have a baby”.

 

Realise with a mix of joy and horror that you would die for this thing
If you’ve exhausted this list and are still in need of something to do, why not have an earth-shattering epiphany? Look at your child. Just take a moment to really look at them. The architect of all your misery, laying there in your arms, looking more like a magic frog than a human being, and have it dawn on you with equal parts elation and dread that you would, in no uncertain terms, die before any harm would come to this weird little thing.

[Bob]

I was looking for the right thread for this and wasn’t quite sure I’d find one, but then scrolled past the GF Parenting Thread and thought - yep, that’s the fella.

I entered the ballot to get a chance to buy tickets for the Paris olympics next summer and got lucky. The ballot gives you a dedicated 48 hour timeslot

where you create “games packs” where you have to select tickets for 3 events for your whole group (group size from 1-30) but obviously there’s a lot of people in there buying tickets at the same time as you.

 

big events and finals had already “sold out” before getting to this point but we did have pretty much a free run at all events we might fancy so we sat round the laptop after I picked my girl up from after school club and went about booking our tickets.

 

It was frustrating, stressful and anxiety inducing at times, but we had an absolute blast and I can’t remember a time when we’ve sat and laughed as much as we did last night. She even said at one point I’d made more good jokes tonight than ever before. My jokes were almost exclusively me speaking English in a French accent.

 

Anyway, we got tickets for Gymnastics (both of our first choice events), Rowing and Hockey, all within the space of 4 days, and we’ve scouted out some good options for campsites for the week to be our base.

 

Can’t wait.

 

[Paulie Dangerously]

KidD just absolutely smoked her competitors in the 100m sprint on sports day. Won at an abolsoute canter and was a lot more gracious then I was on the side lines. 

 

Athletic stardom beckons. Get the fuck in there the fruit of my loins!!!

[Bob]

1 hour ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

KidD just absolutely smoked her competitors in the 100m sprint on sports day. Won at an abolsoute canter and was a lot more gracious then I was on the side lines. 

 

Athletic stardom beckons. Get the fuck in there the fruit of my loins!!!

How’d you go in the dads race?

[Paulie Dangerously]

4 hours ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

How’d you go in the dads race?

I left the second that my child did her last race. 

 

There was a parent teacher race apparently won by the try-hard teacher. 

[YorkshireRed]

I remember going to my youngest’s sports day when he was about ten. 
 

I was slightly puzzled to see a teacher winning the sprint race by about half the track. That was until I realised he wasn’t a teacher, he was a kid. A ten year old that looked thirty and was about ten feet tall (I may be exaggerating slightly). 
 

It’s not only the former East Germany that put something funny in the water. 

[Mook]

My pair are going to be ok at boxing by the looks of it.

 

I put them to bed on Tuesday night and came through to do the dishes, only for the usual commotion to start up. I thought 'Fuck it, I'll leave them to sort it out while I finish these dishes'. Big mistake.

 

By the time I made it through there, half the duvet cover was covered in blood. One of them had lamped the other one in the nose.

 

I'd just washed and changed everything for them staying over as well.

[Tony Moanero]

12 hours ago, Mook said:

My pair are going to be ok at boxing by the looks of it.

 

I put them to bed on Tuesday night and came through to do the dishes, only for the usual commotion to start up. I thought 'Fuck it, I'll leave them to sort it out while I finish these dishes'. Big mistake.

 

By the time I made it through there, half the duvet cover was covered in blood. One of them had lamped the other one in the nose.

 

I'd just washed and changed everything for them staying over as well.

What duvet covers have they got?

[Mook]

6 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

What duvet covers have they got?

 

They've got Harry Potter & Shark covers at home. They just sleep in my bed when they're here.

 

I recently endured my first Harry Potter film with them, fucking Hell, what a load of shite. Thankfully they like Star Wars too 

[Tony Moanero]

1 hour ago, Mook said:

 

They've got Harry Potter & Shark covers at home. They just sleep in my bed when they're here.

 

I recently endured my first Harry Potter film with them, fucking Hell, what a load of shite. Thankfully they like Star Wars too 

I watched the first Harry Potter film and fell asleep about half way through. I’ve never bothered with the rest. That said, I would probably have liked it, had it been out when I was a kid.

How old are your boys now? What about Labyrinth?

 

[Mook]

38 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

I watched the first Harry Potter film and fell asleep about half way through. I’ve never bothered with the rest. That said, I would probably have liked it, had it been out when I was a kid.

How old are your boys now? What about Labyrinth?

 

 

They're 5 & 7 now, Tony. They watched Labyrinth with their Mum & enjoyed it by all accounts.

[Tony Moanero]

7 minutes ago, Mook said:

 

They're 5 & 7 now, Tony. They watched Labyrinth with their Mum & enjoyed it by all accounts.

Commando?

[Mook]

1 hour ago, Tony Moanero said:

Commando?

 

No, I'm wearing boxers today. Thanks.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

18 hours ago, Paulie Dangerously said:

I left the second that my child did her last race. 

 

There was a parent teacher race apparently won by the try-hard teacher. 

 

 

So you did or didn't leave ??......

[Remmie]

I know you didn't ask me Tony but my kids have Paw Patrol and Cars (not the film just generic ones) duvet covers. My wife insisted on them having these odd sized duvets that are smaller than a normal single duvet and getting sheets for them is a bastard.

 

Christ I have just bored the shit out of myself writing that.

[Champ]

6 hours ago, Remmie said:

I know you didn't ask me Tony but my kids have Paw Patrol and Cars (not the film just generic ones) duvet covers. My wife insisted on them having these odd sized duvets that are smaller than a normal single duvet and getting sheets for them is a bastard.

 

Christ I have just bored the shit out of myself writing that.

I don’t know why but Cars was the grimmest kids film I ever endured. We saw it at the cinema. I thought it was never going to end

[Remmie]

13 minutes ago, Champ said:

I don’t know why but Cars was the grimmest kids film I ever endured. We saw it at the cinema. I thought it was never going to end

We have a box of small books of Pixar movies. The cars one is an ordeal to read

[Paulie Dangerously]

It's finally happened. KidD came downstairs last night upset because last week she was snooping and found the Christmas elf under our bed. She's been questioning it ever since and confronted us. We asked what she thought and she said it was a lie.  She was distraught and ended up destroying the tooth fairy and easter bunny (her favorite of them all). 

 

We were all crying by the end of it. She seems ok this morning but I'm still traumatised. My little girl isn't so little anymore. How the fuck did that happen? 

 

[RJ Fan club]

My eldest lad got Batsman of the year for his U8’s cricket team at the end of season awards this week.

 

Couple of 30 odds not out sealed it (they’re only allowed to bat for 2 overs). One of those was superb, he was pelting it both sides of the wicket and got a couple of sixes.

 

literally the most proud I’ve ever been of him, mostly because my batting is shite and he’s already averaging better than me. 

[Captain Turdseye]

The boy has finally gone to university. 
 

Just finished decorating the 2nd bedroom so now that’s both of the girls sorted. Brand new bedrooms of their own, not sharing anymore. Some decent dad points for sure, they’re both made up, but the overriding feeling is jealousy. Their rooms are waaay better than mine. It’s not fair. 
 

MiddleTurd, 15, is right this moment doing her first shift at her first ever job. Some posh little pub restaurant in a village 20 minutes up the road. It’s on the bus route as well, which is handy because she’s given up walking and I’ve taken on all the lifts she was conning out of the boy before he went away. I can’t have her expecting us to drive for 40 minutes twice every time she has a shift. I’ll pick her up if it’s late. Otherwise she can (and actually wants to) get the bus. 
 

The youngest is upstairs video calling all her friends to show them her room. She’s 10 but it feels like she’s a teenager already herself. 
 

I think I’m getting old. 

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Me too, my lads 18 today which is just utterly incomprehensible, I don't feel a day older than when I was 18 but then a lifetime has passed since , I don't fucking know.

[Captain Turdseye]

5 minutes ago, Ezekiel 25:17 said:

Me too, my lads 18 today which is just utterly incomprehensible, I don't feel a day older than when I was 18 but then a lifetime has passed since , I don't fucking know.

Happy birthday to your boy, mate. 
 

You can clock off now. You’ve done your bit.