Embarrassment

[Remmie]

What are your worst embarrassing moments?

 

I have a very low embarrassment threshold, as on the other thread I struggle with TV programmes and often have to change the channel. I can only watch one episode of the office through my fingers as I hide and feel physically weaker after watching an episode.

 

2 moments that stick in my memory are being at my mums friend's house while he was eating his dinner. He threw a mushroom to the floor, and I picked it up and ate it. It was for the cat.

 

Second moment. I'm fucking awesome with kids, they love me as I'm literally one of them at times. I often got requests to babysit, but seldom did. However I looked after this one girl on the grounds of her only being 4 years my junior (I was 17, she was 13) and I figured she'd be pretty mature. She totally tested the boundaries of what was acceptable and managed to lock me out the house screaming help he trying to get me at the top of her voice while I could hear a group of lads round the corner (this story is merely a digression and more about fear then embarrassment). Anyway, to try and get her on my side I was telling her about a chick I was absolutely besotted with. Her name was Claire and I figured that there are 2,500 students at this school (largest comprehensive in the country) that there is no chance they'd ever meet with Claire being a sixth former and Jerrie being a year 8. I was wrong. Walked Claire to her art class, saw Jerrie and as I was half way through thinking the sentence "I hope she doesn't say something" in my head when she said something like "is this Claire?". My stomach kicked me in the balls. I didn't handle the situation particularly well and Claire later went on to totally breaking my heart by going out with a mate. Appropriately enough this is all quite peep show-esque.

[madstock]

I have mentioned it before:

 

I was once seeing a lovely girl who worked at the local Odeon cinema (not that her workplace bears any relevance to events, but it's good to know these things).

 

Anyway, after a long summers' afternoon drinking massive amounts of lager we went back to her place where, despite having blood alcohol levels akin to George Best, we went at it like bunnies in her mums' newly decorated living room.

 

After a while, during an extended round of fellatio, my bladder suddenly decided that erection or no erection it needed emptying.

 

Hence I pissed over her, her mums' new sofa, carpet and a couple of ornaments.

 

Obviously I was deeply ashamed by this, and half-waddled out of her house with my trousers around my ankles, where I proceeded to vomit in her front garden.

 

Shocked and appalled by my own actions, I then realised that I was lost, and rang home (using a brand-new and spiffy "Motorola Soap" phone on the Cellnet "Lifetime for Leisure" staff tariff) to try and get a lift off my mother ...

 

Me: "Yeah, I'm by a big Tescos - near the petrol station"

Parent: "We live 200 yards down the road"

Me: "Oh - I've had a couple of drinks - can you pick me up?"

Parent: "Okay - I'm doing your tea* in any case"

 

A short while later I was sat at the dining table, looking at the food presented before me thinking "that steak looks a bit odd", and then "that steak tastes a bit odd"; all the time, my bitch of a mother and her 4-months-older-than-me-cunt-of-a-boyfriend were standing around smirking.

 

"I can eat this", I started

"Why not? I thought you might like to try kangaroo..." was the response.

 

That sobered me up pretty quickly and I was back out drinking within a couple of hours, as it was grab-a-granny night at "Sands" nightclub in Weston-Super-Mare.

 

Thus ended the weirdest day of my life.

 

I would now like to apologise to the girl in question, whose name was Ruth - I am truly, truly sorry. (Not that you will ever read this).

 

 

 

*Tea as in "evening meal", as opposed to the drink.

 

I felt so embarrassed that I didn't realise it was kangaroo.

[Spy Bee]

2 moments that stick in my memory are being at my mums friend's house while he was eating his dinner. He threw a mushroom to the floor, and I picked it up and ate it. It was for the cat.

I haven't even got to the second bit yet - that is fucking genius. I'm still pissing myself.

[She Knows It]

So many I don't know where to start.

 

I called a cab once to take me to ante-natal class, and it was taking ages so I impatiently went to wait outside for it. Pulls up, I get in the back and tell the driver where I'm going. He didn't answer but looked a bit frightened and just sat there. I asked him again and he still just sat there looking at me in the rearview like I was a lunatic. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable so I asked him if he was okay, and he just looked at me and said "I'm not a taxi".

 

The time we had to take cakes in for a PTA cake sale. I left it till the last minute so I went to Adsa and bought this fruit cake that was masquerading as homemade. I took it home, took it out of the box and put it in a cake tin and then took it to the school. I gave it to my son's teacher, and he took the lid off and said "That looks wonderful Mrs Mawer, did you make it yourself?" I smiled and nodded politely as my son pipes up "No you didn't. You just bought it in Asda" in front of about 20 people.

 

The time my son did a poo on a 'bathroom display' toilet in Homebase.

 

The time I went for a scan and walked right through the hospital afterwards with my skirt tucked into the back of my knickers.

 

Loads more. I could write a book of them. I'm a right dickhead.

[Redder Lurtz]

The time my son did a poo on a 'bathroom display' toilet in Homebase

 

Fantastic.

[Elmyn Noos]

So many I don't know where to start.

 

I called a cab once to take me to ante-natal class, and it was taking ages so I impatiently went to wait outside for it. Pulls up, I get in the back and tell the driver where I'm going. He didn't answer but looked a bit frightened and just sat there. I asked him again and he still just sat there looking at me in the rearview like I was a lunatic. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable so I asked him if he was okay, and he just looked at me and said "I'm not a taxi".

 

The time we had to take cakes in for a PTA cake sale. I left it till the last minute so I went to Adsa and bought this fruit cake that was masquerading as homemade. I took it home, took it out of the box and put it in a cake tin and then took it to the school. I gave it to my son's teacher, and he took the lid off and said "That looks wonderful Mrs Mawer, did you make it yourself?" I smiled and nodded politely as my son pipes up "No you didn't. You just bought it in Asda" in front of about 20 people.

 

The time my son did a poo on a 'bathroom display' toilet in Homebase.

 

The time I went for a scan and walked right through the hospital afterwards with my skirt tucked into the back of my knickers.

 

Loads more. I could write a book of them. I'm a right dickhead.

 

Ha ha! Kids always win out in these situations. I was sat on a packed bus with my young daughter, who was stood on the seat and facing the bloke sat behind, who let rip. Jade announces to me, and therefore the whole bus, the bloke sat behind "JUST FARTED AND DIDN'T SAY EXCUSE ME". The bloke, to his credit, held out for three Wembley Arena style public announcements, despite my lame shh..ing, before eventually giving an excuse me.

[Chuck Fadanoid]

2 moments that stick in my memory are being at my mums friend's house while he was eating his dinner. He threw a mushroom to the floor, and I picked it up and ate it. It was for the cat.

 

If I can ever write that into a sitcom script, I'll send you a royalties cheque. Sublime.

 

I can't think of many myself, probably because of mental repression. I do remember being in the Boudoir Superstar (*shudders*) when I was first going to town and too young to get in anywhere else; which of course means I couldn't take my ale and so was completely pissed. I went towards the toilets but we were on a raised level, so I decided to try and look cool and jump off this 3ft-high level down to the ground. Being pissed, I'd forgotten that I was wearing a pair of half shoes/half trainers (cos I didn't own a pair of proper shoes) and their shitty rubber soles caused me to go arse over tit in the middle of the dancefloor. Not great.

[melons]

So many I don't know where to start.

 

I called a cab once to take me to ante-natal class, and it was taking ages so I impatiently went to wait outside for it. Pulls up, I get in the back and tell the driver where I'm going. He didn't answer but looked a bit frightened and just sat there. I asked him again and he still just sat there looking at me in the rearview like I was a lunatic. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable so I asked him if he was okay, and he just looked at me and said "I'm not a taxi".

 

The time we had to take cakes in for a PTA cake sale. I left it till the last minute so I went to Adsa and bought this fruit cake that was masquerading as homemade. I took it home, took it out of the box and put it in a cake tin and then took it to the school. I gave it to my son's teacher, and he took the lid off and said "That looks wonderful Mrs Mawer, did you make it yourself?" I smiled and nodded politely as my son pipes up "No you didn't. You just bought it in Asda" in front of about 20 people.

 

The time my son did a poo on a 'bathroom display' toilet in Homebase.

 

The time I went for a scan and walked right through the hospital afterwards with my skirt tucked into the back of my knickers.

 

Loads more. I could write a book of them. I'm a right dickhead.

 

please write that book!!! ive got tears in my eyes.. brilliant, got to love kids...

 

i cant touch on them, but here is mine....

out with my eldest then 4, gorgeous, black hair dark brown eyes. We went to the local eats in place, regulars and have been for almost, ever.

 

sat down eating out tea, (my eldest is special needs and was considered moderately disabled at the time) having just learnt the art of speaking she ordered her dinner (by pointing) and said thank you in makaton. fair enough. she can now talk but refuses.

Were sat down and i'm talking to the women who work there and the bloke that owns the place, some random guy walks in with black hair, never seen him before in my life, my daughter now decides to go verbal publicly, stands up tall waves her arms about and shouts, 'hi daddy, we here'. the guy just looked around while everyone we knew pissed themselves laughing...

[Redder Lurtz]

please write that book!!! ive got tears in my eyes.. brilliant, got to love kids...

 

i cant touch on them, but here is mine....

out with my eldest then 4, gorgeous, black hair dark brown eyes. We went to the local eats in place, regulars and have been for almost, ever.

 

sat down eating out tea, (my eldest is special needs and was considered moderately disabled at the time) having just learnt the art of speaking she ordered her dinner (by pointing) and said thank you in makaton. fair enough. she can now talk but refuses.

Were sat down and i'm talking to the women who work there and the bloke that owns the place, some random guy walks in with black hair, never seen him before in my life, my daughter now decides to go verbal publicly, stands up tall waves her arms about and shouts, 'hi daddy, we here'. the guy just looked around while everyone we knew pissed themselves laughing...

 

What the hell are you doing up at this time woman, unless you're washing clothes?

 

I used to put Little Lurtz on my shoulders when he was about 2 / 3, the way you do, and to keep him occupied I'd put him on 'foxy chick alert.' ie, if he saw one, to let me know in a cute Son/Dad kind of way. What I didn't account for was "LOOK DADDY, THERE'S ONE, THERE'S A FOXY CHICK, LOOK DADDY..." etc etc etc at the top of his voice whilst pointing at some poor girl standing about a foot away from the end of his pointing finger in a supermarket queue. I moved queues a lot in those days.

[Bernard Diomede]

So many I don't know where to start.

 

I called a cab once to take me to ante-natal class, and it was taking ages so I impatiently went to wait outside for it. Pulls up, I get in the back and tell the driver where I'm going. He didn't answer but looked a bit frightened and just sat there. I asked him again and he still just sat there looking at me in the rearview like I was a lunatic. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable so I asked him if he was okay, and he just looked at me and said "I'm not a taxi".

 

The time we had to take cakes in for a PTA cake sale. I left it till the last minute so I went to Adsa and bought this fruit cake that was masquerading as homemade. I took it home, took it out of the box and put it in a cake tin and then took it to the school. I gave it to my son's teacher, and he took the lid off and said "That looks wonderful Mrs Mawer, did you make it yourself?" I smiled and nodded politely as my son pipes up "No you didn't. You just bought it in Asda" in front of about 20 people.

 

The time my son did a poo on a 'bathroom display' toilet in Homebase.

 

The time I went for a scan and walked right through the hospital afterwards with my skirt tucked into the back of my knickers.

 

Loads more. I could write a book of them. I'm a right dickhead.

 

Hahahahahahaha! My mate did that car one onc eon his way to school, a car stopped at the end of his road, he thought it was one of his neighbours who he knew, runs up to the car and says 'nice one' gets in and gets a lift to school, half way there he realises he doesn't know the people and just sits there with a face like a beetroot before getting out, the people in the car didn't even say anything either! one of the funniest things I've ever heard especially because my mates dead quiet.

[melons]

What the hell are you doing up at this time woman, unless you're washing clothes?

 

i have my sisters daughter here, she takes the whole fucking bed. i gave up and came back down after 20 min of trying to kick her back on to her side... :wallbutt:

[Remmie]

What the hell are you doing up at this time woman, unless you're washing clothes?

 

I used to put Little Lurtz on my shoulders when he was about 2 / 3, the way you do, and to keep him occupied I'd put him on 'foxy chick alert.' ie, if he saw one, to let me know in a cute Son/Dad kind of way. What I didn't account for was "LOOK DADDY, THERE'S ONE, THERE'S A FOXY CHICK, LOOK DADDY..." etc etc etc at the top of his voice whilst pointing at some poor girl standing about a foot away from the end of his pointing finger in a supermarket queue. I moved queues a lot in those days.

Fucking leg of an opening line, you should have followed that lead. Something corny like, my son has an eye for a pretty lady, just like his father, then stand with both hands on hips, legs apart smirking. Spurs and a cowboy hat would also add to the look.

[Captain]

Mine will have to wait until I have two hands again.

[Nick Leeson]

I once had to go to London when I was about 16 so I had to buy my coach ticket the evening before as the coach was at about 6 am the next morning and the ticket office wouldn't have been open so I borrowed my Brothers bike and rode down to the National Express Porta-Kabin which was on Mount Pleasant.

 

For Wools, Mount Plesant is a very, very steep hill which has the Adelphi Hotel at the bottom.

 

Anyway, I ride there, come to the top of Mount Pleasant and start to ride down it. The bus stop is about 3 quarters of the way down and I'm going down a very steep hill. I should at this point mention that the bike I had borrowed didn't have any brakes so I had to put my foot on the back tyre whilst riding to stop it.

 

I Start going down the hill and picking up a lot of speed, this is fun! Time to slow down now though so I take my right foot off the pedal and swing it round behind me to cooly, slow the bike down ready to stop.

 

Something goes wrong. My super-duper reebok whatever they were had amazingly long laces and one of the loops of the laces had gotten wrapped round the brake block and my foot and leg were now both now stuck behind me as I'm going down this very steep hill at an increasingly high speed.

 

No panic, I thinks to myself, I'll just use the other foot! So I flip my left leg round to put that on the tyre to stop myself but as if lightening could strike twice, that lace gets looped round the very same brake block!

 

I'm hurtling down this hill, with no brakes, both feet tied to the back wheel behind me like some crazed dive bomber. Did I mention that coolness had well and truly fucked off by now and big time panic had began to set in? If not, then it had because at the bottom of this hill is a really busy junction and it was getting closer and closer.

 

Anyway, I had a brainwave. Steer juuuuusssst close enough to the kerb and using the fortunately high kerbs that were there to scrape the front wheel against, thus slowing me down. It worked the only problem was now that i was slowing right down I couldn't put my feet down on the floor as they were still tied to the wheel so I basically just had to use my face to land on.

 

I fell off big time right in front of a crowd of about 50 people who were all waiting for their coaches. A few people came and picked me up and untied my feet. A few more people were choking to death on their own laughter when they had realised what had happened. It was not cool

 

 

EDIT, i think I've posted this one on here before at some time but i can't find it now so some of you may have heard this one before.

[melons]

did you learn to tie your laces at some point in the future then skeet?

[Supersub]

When I were a lad I was taken back to my new girlfriends house to meet her parents. After dinner we sat to watch the telly and after I while I sneezed and a large lump of gob-snot flew out and hit the screen of the telly - where it then sat swinging in front of my girlfriends mum and dad. In panic I jumped up and used my sleeve - and all that did was smear it all over the screen.

I didn't go back there.

[Nick Leeson]

did you learn to tie your laces at some point in the future then skeet?

 

I get velcro ones now

[melons]

I get velcro ones now

 

good course of action. fantastic ingenuity.....;)

[Redder Lurtz]

Brilliant story Skeet. I was right there with ya.

 

When I was at grammar school in about '83 I used to go to school on my bike. The brakes were shite even when it was dry, so when it was wet, forget it. I used to fly down Maidstone Hill, Chatham, and at the bottom was a big bus interchange with buses going all over the place with scant regard for padestrian, motorist or cyclist. I lost count of how many times I went down that road at what seemed like three hundred miles an hour, with no stopping power whatsoever, weaving, wide-eyed, between cars and accelerating buses, only to appear unscathed and feeling invincible on the other side. I'm pretty sure I probably shouldn't be alive, I just got lucky. If I saw my lad do stuff like that I'd have a fucking heart attack.

[Nick Leeson]

Pah, having a laugh aren't you? A kid on a bike these days? Outdoors? You mean a wii-bike, right?

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Fucking leg of an opening line, you should have followed that lead. Something corny like, my son has an eye for a pretty lady, just like his father, then stand with both hands on hips, legs apart smirking. Spurs and a cowboy hat would also add to the look.

Frankly, a big fuck off cowboy hat to hide the kid would've been in order.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

In the mid-Eighties, after being on the rock & roll for a few months too long, I landed my dream job at a nozzle factory in Widnes. I was taken on, initially, on a 6-month probation. One day in the canteen I was sat opposite the Managing Director. Someone said something funny just as I was taking a drink of tea, so I let him have it - two nostrils full of tea all over his best white shirt.

 

At the end of my probation I wasn't kept on.

[longballs]

Mine was being caught wanking.

 

 

 

(The full story is in one of the other 'embarrassing' threads)

[longballs]

Another one was in the early 90's I went ice skating with a load of mates. Keen to impress some of the young ladies I was skating as fast as I could and attempting little jumps to the music etc.

 

Anyway, the following song starts up

 

dan dan dan da da da dan

dan dan dan da da da dan

dink do

dan dan dan da da da dan

 

I then shout "ICE ICE BABY!" at which point the lyrics "Under Pressure" start out. Yep, I had thought that it was Vanilla Ice when in fact it was Queen. The whole place just stared at me :(

[Section_31]

Had to do a death knock on a house where a teenage girl had lived before she killed herself.

 

I was invited in and found her entire family was there, they all started talking about her and crying, it was heart wrenching stuff, but unfortunately my pen had run out and I had to just sit there nodding until one of them stopped crying and ask if they had a pen.

 

They were sound about it like.

 

I also farted in class once, that was pretty fucking embarassing. I could feel it coming and was shifting about on my chair for about five minutes but it just slipped out in all it's glory, right after the teacher had asked how high one typically found cumulus clouds.