Elmyn Noos

Bumpity bump. Happy days.

It's malignant.

I can confirm this is true. He heard our junior football club was some way short of the funds needed to build a clubhouse with changing room facilities for the boys, and he stumped up what I'm told is a ludicrously generous amount of wedge to get it over the line. Top top fella.

We used to call it the strap when we were kids and my mate from darn sarf calls it the banjo.

I can't help but feel a touch negligent in my duty to the young men of the GF. In my absence, some of you have become nannied little tampons, who only have to mention that they're "in a dark place" or some other such pseudo-psych horseshit to have everyone come running with their balm infused tissues out wailing DON'T DO IT, and GET HELP. To make this up to you, here are my top tips for manning the fuck up. There will be no charge for this service. 1. Don't keep apologising for shit. You're a man. Men do stuff. Sometimes other people don't like it. So fucking what? The ones that call you on it are usually the sort of asswipes that are always looking to big themselves up on the interweb by clambering onto a moral highground of their own making. 2. If you're feeling a bit down, keep it to yourself until you're ready to snap out of it. Feelings like that are best bottled up. Nobody likes a miserable cunt. 3 Don't keep apologising for shit. 4. Beer will make most things better again, and also provides an immediate all-emcompassing excuse for any behaviour with no grovelling apology needed - at least not to other men. A fellow man uttering the words "yeaah....I was a bit pissed" should always be met with a sympathetic nod and no further action required. Being a cunt occasionally when you're pissed does not mean you "have a drink problem" 5. Don't let internet social workers tell you that you have "problems". 6. Don't try and be like a woman. That's what women are for. It's not "being in touch with your feminine side" it's "being a pussy", and even women don't find blokes attractive who "understand" them and "treat me great when I'm at my worst or you sure as hell don't deserve me when I'm at my best". They'll treat you like the pussy you are whilst fucking your real man mate behind your back. 7. Most people are cunts, and thick cunts at that. Assume anyone you don't know for a fact is not a cunt, as a cunt, until they have proven themselves otherwise. Most times you will find your default position does not need altering. 8. Looking at an attractive woman and wanting to fuck them is normal. 9. Don't apologise for wanting to fuck a fit woman. 10. Watch old films. Men knew how to be men in old films. Don't watch ads for Nivea for Men. There is no such thing as Nivea for Men. There you go. Any questions, PM me.

Probably a touch ungentlemanly of Stig to post it, but It was just a picture of some bird's arse. I doubt she'd give a crap about it being on here unless the picture made her look fat. Women are shallow like that.

In fairness, if I wanted people to forget my part in a holocaust, a really decent spice is probably the tactic I'd adopt too. You can't beat a good paprika.

Szeged? Home of the nazi ghetto for the jews during the war? Unbelievable display of anti-semitism right there. I demand an immediate apology thread and a banning, or at the very least a flogging with a wet sock across the butt-tocks.

Sending a suicide message to your mum is a bit off, although I've sent plenty to ex-girlfriends before. None of them have though.

Soooo bitches, queers and spazzes are fair game, but not our big hootered friends from the synagogues with their silly hats, bigotted beliefs and persecution complexes? That seems a bit unfair. Rules are rules though. Note to self: Remember NOT to take the piss out of anyone who identifies themselves by their religion, because every religion on the planet has tolerance at it's very core and does NOT make a mortal sin out of every other religion and non-believer. Except catholics - the massive cunts. And jews, the whiny cliquey paranoid cunts.

Just so I'm clear, are we still allowed to take the piss out of Liberal Democ rats?

Pfft. The GF has finally turned into a big wet fanny farm.

Ladies, My son needs to use Photoshop for something he has to do for school. I don't have it, and obviously don't want to pay for it unless I have to. What does I gots to do (in total dumbassspeak please)?

or as the media call it, The Special One tactic. Check Neko's results against us and see how that's worked out for him.

Nope for me. Super-fit birds that look great despite the tats aren't going to win anyone over. I'd go for a woman who smokes before I'd go for a tattooed bird all day long. Birds who smoke give the impression they don't give much of a fuck and do what it takes to enjoy themselves. Birds with tats give the impression they need attention. High maintenance. Fuck. That.