Ladies Farting in Work

[drewy]

Following on from The Chaps life changing encounter, I feel I must share this experience with you lads.

 

I was living in single accomodation on an RAF camp in Germany around about 1999. My paticular block was full of lads who liked to party like no tomorrow. The lad next door to me (a deviant who will never be surpassed) pulled some doggy looking German bird one night and took her back to his room. Knocking on my door before he rattles her he asks me to wake him up for our footy match the next day, to which I agreed knowing I'd get fuck all sleep with that twat knocking the shit out of her all night!

 

No sleep! Kicks his door the next day and opens it to be met by the worst smelling aroma I have ever sniffed in my life! It smelt of dead people!

 

"Fuckin hell Jase it bastard stinks in here"

 

"Sorry mate open the window" he goes

 

I goes up to his window and draws the curtains and there in front of me is a used tampon, splattered like a bloated red cigar against his closed window with the thread dangling in front of nose!

 

"You dirty twat" I screamed urging like fuck.

 

"Soz mate" he laughs, "I went down on her and it tasted a bit irony so I realised she was on felt for the string whipped the fucker out with me teeth and well.... the window was closed"

 

That is a true story. I felt violated that day.

 

Fuck all to do with ladies trumping but I thought you should know.

[Paul]

Well, okay but Mr Knights comment about a right hook applies to this one more.

 

This bird had something of a hygeine problem, particularly under her arms. Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has come across this with any other bird but one day - I SWEAR TO GOD - her fanny took on an aroma of onion soup, which lingered for about a month. I noticed it when in close quarters with it and it took a few days before I plucked up the courage to tell her. She found it perplexing but also amusing. Fuckin hell, if your cock suddenly took on a highly unusual aroma would you A) Laugh it off or B) Shit yourself and go to the quacks or at least sort it out somehow.

 

Anyway, one day during the onion soup time, I was drunk enough to go down on her again - I basically tried to imagine she was French and not Welsh. While I was busy I suddenly noticed I was not alone. Nestling among her botty hairs was a perfectly formed and perfectly spherical nugget of brown gold. About 1/3 of an inch across.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Suddenly the smell of onion soup became a pleasant distraction. I shot up and told her "I think you may have followed through with an earlier fart."

 

Guess what?

 

She laughed.

 

Guess what she said?

 

"I though I had."

 

 

Honestly, I feel fucking ill just typing this. And it happened in 1994.

Ha, ha, ha!!! What a classy lady.

[Paul]

Following on from The Chaps life changing encounter, I feel I must share this experience with you lads.

 

I was living in single accomodation on an RAF camp in Germany around about 1999. My paticular block was full of lads who liked to party like no tomorrow. The lad next door to me (a deviant who will never be surpassed) pulled some doggy looking German bird one night and took her back to his room. Knocking on my door before he rattles her he asks me to wake him up for our footy match the next day, to which I agreed knowing I'd get fuck all sleep with that twat knocking the shit out of her all night!

 

No sleep! Kicks his door the next day and opens it to be met by the worst smelling aroma I have ever sniffed in my life! It smelt of dead people!

 

"Fuckin hell Jase it bastard stinks in here"

 

"Sorry mate open the window" he goes

 

I goes up to his window and draws the curtains and there in front of me is a used tampon, splattered like a bloated red cigar against his closed window with the thread dangling in front of nose!

 

"You dirty twat" I screamed urging like fuck.

 

"Soz mate" he laughs, "I went down on her and it tasted a bit irony so I realised she was on felt for the string whipped the fucker out with me teeth and well.... the window was closed"

 

That is a true story. I felt violated that day.

 

Fuck all to do with ladies trumping but I thought you should know.

Fucking hell - deviant is right.

[WaltonRed]

keep em coming,highly amusing!

[thechap]

"I went down on her and it tasted a bit irony so I realised she was on felt for the string whipped the fucker out with me teeth..."

 

Hats off to the bloke. The man is clearly an animal but at least he can whip a tampon out with his teeth and sling it across the room!

 

I can see him featuring in the next Tampax advert but made in the style of Rowntrees Fruit Pastille/Milk Tray - Some classy bird gets swept off her feet by some 007-type abseilling down from a helicopter, whooshing down the piste with her in his arms whilst dodging bullets from some Soviet's AK47, racing round the mountain roads of Spain in his Aston and finally taking her in a passionate clinch a la Clark Gable. Only for Drewy's animal pal to pop up saying "Not bad, but I bet you can't whip her jammy finger out of her cunt and fling it against the window?"

[thechap]

Also nothing to do with trumping but a mate of mine once pulled some doris in our local Irish drinking hovel near where I lived in Willesden Green, North London. And by Christ it really was a hovel.

 

He told me next day that he had booted her out in the middle of the night because, although she had been a pretty girl and actually quite nice to talk to, when he ventured south he found her fanny to be - in his words - "all crispy".

 

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

FUCKIN' WASH YOU DIRTY COW! WWWAAASSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

 

Mind you, in the same club I saw some bloke brushing his teeth in the bogs (using the sink I might add). On the last stroke of the brush he rinsed the brush, put it in his pocket and then swallowed all the froth without rinsing his mouth out and went back out into the cattle market. Thereby ensuring that he had the mintiest breath in the place and would be the bloke who the birds considered the most attractive.

 

 

I'm telling you, my signature does not lie.

[Dropkick]

[Sugar Ape]

A bird I was living with years ago was stood near to me in the bedroom naked from the waist down. She stuck out her arse and did an awful sounding fart. This was not unusual for her in the extreme.

 

She went out shortly afterwards and I wandered across the bedroom barefooted. I suddenly felt something very cold and wet underfoot. I looked down and it looked like a blob of filling from a mince pie only a bit runnier and wetter. I picked it up in tissue and sniffed it.

 

 

The fucking dirty bitch.

 

She later admitted to me that she had followed through but thought she had got away with it beacuse she thought the projectile had failed to squeeze past her cheeks. In other words, she went straight to the loo - which I remember her doing - and pulled out even more of the mince pie from her arse cheeks.

 

Surely even a sexual deviant into shit would not approve...?

 

 

And if you think that's bad, I've got a REALLY awful story about this bird and her bad habits...

 

Well, okay but Mr Knights comment about a right hook applies to this one more.

 

This bird had something of a hygeine problem, particularly under her arms. Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has come across this with any other bird but one day - I SWEAR TO GOD - her fanny took on an aroma of onion soup, which lingered for about a month. I noticed it when in close quarters with it and it took a few days before I plucked up the courage to tell her. She found it perplexing but also amusing. Fuckin hell, if your cock suddenly took on a highly unusual aroma would you A) Laugh it off or B) Shit yourself and go to the quacks or at least sort it out somehow.

 

Anyway, one day during the onion soup time, I was drunk enough to go down on her again - I basically tried to imagine she was French and not Welsh. While I was busy I suddenly noticed I was not alone. Nestling among her botty hairs was a perfectly formed and perfectly spherical nugget of brown gold. About 1/3 of an inch across.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Suddenly the smell of onion soup became a pleasant distraction. I shot up and told her "I think you may have followed through with an earlier fart."

 

Guess what?

 

She laughed.

 

Guess what she said?

 

"I though I had."

 

 

Honestly, I feel fucking ill just typing this. And it happened in 1994.

 

Following on from The Chaps life changing encounter, I feel I must share this experience with you lads.

 

I was living in single accomodation on an RAF camp in Germany around about 1999. My paticular block was full of lads who liked to party like no tomorrow. The lad next door to me (a deviant who will never be surpassed) pulled some doggy looking German bird one night and took her back to his room. Knocking on my door before he rattles her he asks me to wake him up for our footy match the next day, to which I agreed knowing I'd get fuck all sleep with that twat knocking the shit out of her all night!

 

No sleep! Kicks his door the next day and opens it to be met by the worst smelling aroma I have ever sniffed in my life! It smelt of dead people!

 

"Fuckin hell Jase it bastard stinks in here"

 

"Sorry mate open the window" he goes

 

I goes up to his window and draws the curtains and there in front of me is a used tampon, splattered like a bloated red cigar against his closed window with the thread dangling in front of nose!

 

"You dirty twat" I screamed urging like fuck.

 

"Soz mate" he laughs, "I went down on her and it tasted a bit irony so I realised she was on felt for the string whipped the fucker out with me teeth and well.... the window was closed"

 

That is a true story. I felt violated that day.

 

Fuck all to do with ladies trumping but I thought you should know.

 

Anyone know how you can erase what you have just read out of your head?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Anyone know how you can erase what you have just read out of your head?

 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Following on from The Chaps life changing encounter, I feel I must share this experience with you lads.

 

I was living in single accomodation on an RAF camp in Germany around about 1999. My paticular block was full of lads who liked to party like no tomorrow. The lad next door to me (a deviant who will never be surpassed) pulled some doggy looking German bird one night and took her back to his room. Knocking on my door before he rattles her he asks me to wake him up for our footy match the next day, to which I agreed knowing I'd get fuck all sleep with that twat knocking the shit out of her all night!

 

No sleep! Kicks his door the next day and opens it to be met by the worst smelling aroma I have ever sniffed in my life! It smelt of dead people!

 

"Fuckin hell Jase it bastard stinks in here"

 

"Sorry mate open the window" he goes

 

I goes up to his window and draws the curtains and there in front of me is a used tampon, splattered like a bloated red cigar against his closed window with the thread dangling in front of nose!

 

"You dirty twat" I screamed urging like fuck.

 

"Soz mate" he laughs, "I went down on her and it tasted a bit irony so I realised she was on felt for the string whipped the fucker out with me teeth and well.... the window was closed"

 

That is a true story. I felt violated that day.

 

Fuck all to do with ladies trumping but I thought you should know.

 

Hold the phone!

 

If that's true, your mate tried sling Dracula's teabag out of the window. Then, at some point, either he or his Fraulein closed the curtains!

 

Cleveland knows.

[YOUTUBE]D763aWigu_0[/YOUTUBE]

[Ian Beales Gut]

Bad fucking hygiene or girls who think its ok to fart infront ofva bloke are total deal breakers for me. I can't stand fellas who think it's funny to drop their guts in public either let alone a woman. Im fortunate in that I've never been with a girl who was unhygienic, I wouldn't give a fuck how fit she was if she farted in front of me or couldn't be arsed keeping herself clean then that's a total turn off and she'd just have to go. How a girl could gobfor a shit and then let somebloke go down on her without washing herself or even wiping herself properly is beyond belief. I'd freak out and chuck the lazy dirty bitch out into the street. Fucking rank!!

[redsoxs]

Jezzz, theres some dirty fuckers out there.... my wife after 28 yrs of marrage still stamps her feet as she going up stairs to cover her trumps.

[Ginny]

I knicked some lad smelling some birds seat once. He thought noone was around and had his nose pressed right in there.

[stringvest]

Jezzz, theres some dirty fuckers out there.... my wife after 28 yrs of marrage still stamps her feet as she going up stairs to cover her trumps.

 

Why doesn't she wait until she gets upstairs? She can then let off with impunity and open a window if the fug has legs?

[lifetime fan]

Why doesn't she wait until she gets upstairs? She can then let off with impunity and open a window if the fug has legs?

 

Fugitive has been sucking farts out of redsoxs' wifes arse?

[Trumo]

Fugitive has been sucking farts out of redsoxs' wifes arse?

 

No pics. Sorry.

[redsoxs]

Why doesn't she wait until she gets upstairs? She can then let off with impunity and open a window if the fug has legs?

 

Since when as men understood women?

[Sugar Ape]

Well, okay but Mr Knights comment about a right hook applies to this one more.

 

This bird had something of a hygeine problem, particularly under her arms. Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has come across this with any other bird but one day - I SWEAR TO GOD - her fanny took on an aroma of onion soup, which lingered for about a month. I noticed it when in close quarters with it and it took a few days before I plucked up the courage to tell her. She found it perplexing but also amusing. Fuckin hell, if your cock suddenly took on a highly unusual aroma would you A) Laugh it off or B) Shit yourself and go to the quacks or at least sort it out somehow.

 

Anyway, one day during the onion soup time, I was drunk enough to go down on her again - I basically tried to imagine she was French and not Welsh. While I was busy I suddenly noticed I was not alone. Nestling among her botty hairs was a perfectly formed and perfectly spherical nugget of brown gold. About 1/3 of an inch across.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

Suddenly the smell of onion soup became a pleasant distraction. I shot up and told her "I think you may have followed through with an earlier fart."

 

Guess what?

 

She laughed.

 

Guess what she said?

 

"I though I had."

 

 

Honestly, I feel fucking ill just typing this. And it happened in 1994.

 

The glory of the old GF.

[General Dryness]

Bad fucking hygiene or girls who think its ok to fart infront ofva bloke are total deal breakers for me. I can't stand fellas who think it's funny to drop their guts in public either let alone a woman. Im fortunate in that I've never been with a girl who was unhygienic, I wouldn't give a fuck how fit she was if she farted in front of me or couldn't be arsed keeping herself clean then that's a total turn off and she'd just have to go. How a girl could gobfor a shit and then let somebloke go down on her without washing herself or even wiping herself properly is beyond belief. I'd freak out and chuck the lazy dirty bitch out into the street. Fucking rank!!

 

IBG/Nantwich Nige. Come back, all is forgiven. Well, it isn't. But we want to abuse you some more.

[Hooch]

That's an ace story by thechap.

[stevebaby]

only one thing to do JP, take her out, get her pissed and nail her.

To a tree, in a forest far away from the office.

[Adebisi]

My ex used to toot in bed and around the house and thought it was hilarious. They never smelt though. She didn't find it as funny when I'd do it because mine actually did. Smacks of double standards to me. 

 

[Alan Sex]

My ex used to toot in bed and around the house and thought it was hilarious. They never smelt though. She didn't find it as funny when I'd do it because mine actually did. Smacks of double standards to me.

 

Was she an elephant? I heard a very educational song that referenced the fact that elephants go toot.

[withnail71]

I remember a mate of mine telling me that in the early 90's he was going out with this girl , and one night she was sat on his face. There he was licking away like a fat kid licking a funny foot ice cream, when she started cumming, but as she came she fired out a lump of shit onto his neck/chest area. he is a placid guy, but she was thrown out the door with her clothes following closely behind. Dirty bitch.

[Robbo29]

got to say i have just read these for the 1st time, fucking Boss! been laughing out loud