One night stands

[General Dryness]

Had some mad ones in my Krazyhouse yoof including shagging a bird on the K1 floor by the DJ box on a crowded Saturday night. Good times. Now I struggle if I think the dog is watching

 

My cats a cunt for that. Theres been many occasions where me and the missus have been about to get down to it, and he hops up on the bed, all like "S'up?".

 

Does it deliberately I reckon, just because he's got no nuts. "Fuck my sex life up, quid pro quo Hudu old boy."

[General Dryness]

One night stands can be risky business, especially if one part is cheating on someone.

 

Two days ago a guy was beaten to death with a bottle in the early hours by his neighbour when the neighbour caught him in bed with his girlfriend.

 

This happened just  15 minutes away from where I grew up as well, scary shit.

 

I'd got into joke mode after Fanchesters effort, so I was reading this and waiting for a punchline.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

I'd got into joke mode after Fanchesters effort, so I was reading this and waiting for a punchline.

Or in this case a bottle line

[General Dryness]

Or in this case a bottle line

 

Zing!

[Adebisi]

First time I go with a proper dirt box I fell ill a few days later and I convinced she'd given me bad aids. One minute I was too hot and had to strip to my pants, the next I'd be in 4 layers and still shivering. Anything I ate would come up shortly after, pure liquid sick, no chunks, just liquid. Got to the point where I just sacked off leaving my room and just puked into bin bags for close to 48 hours. My mates thought it was a giggle but I was convinced I was going to die at 19. Couldn't remember her name either so tracking her down on myspace was a no-go. 

All I can remember thinking as I laid there was 'Was she worth it?' and tbf, she probably was truth be told. She taught me that what happens in the movies isn't bollocks like some would have you believe and that some women really can get the whole thing in their mouth and tongue your balls at the same time. On the third day I felt right as rain and put it down as an infection or bug, but it was a scary few days. 

[Section_31]

This thread should be added to the getting older thread too, because reading it just makes me want to go to bed on my own and watch something reasonably sedate.

[General Dryness]

First time I go with a proper dirt box I fell ill a few days later and I convinced she'd given me bad aids. One minute I was too hot and had to strip to my pants, the next I'd be in 4 layers and still shivering. Anything I ate would come up shortly after, pure liquid sick, no chunks, just liquid. Got to the point where I just sacked off leaving my room and just puked into bin bags for close to 48 hours. My mates thought it was a giggle but I was convinced I was going to die at 19. Couldn't remember her name either so tracking her down on myspace was a no-go. 

 

All I can remember thinking as I laid there was 'Was she worth it?' and tbf, she probably was truth be told. She taught me that what happens in the movies isn't bollocks like some would have you believe and that some women really can get the whole thing in their mouth and tongue your balls at the same time. On the third day I felt right as rain and put it down as an infection or bug, but it was a scary few days. 

 

Not being funny mate, but did popping along to your doctor not occur to you? Could have saved yourself a few days of worry, and got educated on AIDS and its symptoms etc. too.

 

And the bit in bold? Have a word with yourself lad.

[Adebisi]

Not being funny mate, but did popping along to your doctor not occur to you? Could have saved yourself a few days of worry, and got educated on AIDS and its symptoms etc. too.

 

And the bit in bold? Have a word with yourself lad.

This is before I became a worrier and getting myself to the doctors didn't enter my thoughts much. Truth be told I don't even think I was registered at this point (I'd just moved to uni) and I felt as weak as a kitten, I was in no mood or state to be leaving my pit. 

 

I was always falling ill when I was at uni though. I was a country bumpkin and I wasn't prepared for the hustle and bustle of city life. I caught every bug and flu going. I reckon a diet of cheap cider and pizza probably didn't help. 

[Harry Squatter]

One of the lads I worked with was shagging some married woman for 6 months while her husband was working away, somewhere in the midlands. Came in to work with a massive black eye on the Monday, said he was sitting on a wall in concert Square in town and this fella in his late 40's just walked up and lamped him and he flew off the wall onto the pavement below. The fella said "you know what that's for" and walked off. He recognised him from photos in this woman's house as her husband. He had stopped seeing her for a year as well so god knows how he found out or knew what he looked like.

[General Dryness]

This is before I became a worrier and getting myself to the doctors didn't enter my thoughts much. Truth be told I don't even think I was registered at this point (I'd just moved to uni) and I felt as weak as a kitten, I was in no mood or state to be leaving my pit. 

 

I was always falling ill when I was at uni though. I was a country bumpkin and I wasn't prepared for the hustle and bustle of city life. I caught every bug and flu going. I reckon a diet of cheap cider and pizza probably didn't help. 

 

Theres your mistake. Should have gone with pasta bolognese, thats what I did. Whack up the cheapest Asda mince, pasta and bolognese sauce in a pan, bosh, couple of days meals right there for next to fuck all.

 

The cheap cider stayed though. Probably why I didn't have many one night stands at college. I was always pissed on cheap cider. Nearly had a threesome with my mate and his missus after a game of truth or dare got frisky, but it didn't happen. Because I was pissed on cheap cider. Got to see her fanny though, which was nice.

[Strontium]

More Coxmen here than at Henley Regatta.

 

The accounts of swordplay would make Erroll Flynn blush.

More bullshit than the Augean stables too, mind.

[Adebisi]

Theres your mistake. Should have gone with pasta bolognese, thats what I did. Whack up the cheapest Asda mince, pasta and bolognese sauce in a pan, bosh, couple of days meals right there for next to fuck all.

 

The cheap cider stayed though. Probably why I didn't have many one night stands at college. I was always pissed on cheap cider. Nearly had a threesome with my mate and his missus after a game of truth or dare got frisky, but it didn't happen. Because I was pissed on cheap cider. Got to see her fanny though, which was nice.

Sounds like you had the right idea chief. Before I moved to uni I was a healthy eater, 5 a day everyday without fail, then the daily drinking and ganja smoking started and it was takeaways and frozen food. Still struggling to get back to my old eating habits even though I've quit the smoking and only drink once a week. 

 

Of course when I do drink I'm still partial to the cheap cider. If the intention is getting mashed, a 3 litre is always good, that or a 3.95 bottle of rose. Both will get you well on your way to mashed for next to nothing. Frostie Jacks and black was the house drink for about 6 months. The black dumps the next day were never pretty though and in the end the smell from the frosties alone would make me retch. 

[Fowlers God]

Sounds like you had the right idea chief. Before I moved to uni I was a healthy eater, 5 a day everyday without fail, then the daily drinking and ganja smoking started and it was takeaways and frozen food. Still struggling to get back to my old eating habits even though I've quit the smoking and only drink once a week.

 

Of course when I do drink I'm still partial to the cheap cider. If the intention is getting mashed, a 3 litre is always good, that or a 3.95 bottle of rose. Both will get you well on your way to mashed for next to nothing. Frostie Jacks and black was the house drink for about 6 months. The black dumps the next day were never pretty though and in the end the smell from the frosties alone would make me retch.

Maybe I'm not with the times, but that all sounds very homosexual.

[General Dryness]

Maybe I'm not with the times, but that all sounds very homosexual.

 

Eating shit food, getting hammered and smoking weed.

 

Yeah, gay as fuck that. Could be worse, he might be religious too.

[littletedwest]

fucking wish I wasn't ugly so I had some one night stand stories to share.

 

I did once shag a bird in toilets of a club bouncer caught us

 

" have you got a girl in there?"

 

"no"

 

"I can see four feet"

 

" I have two sets of legs"

 

" get out you wanker before I throw you out"

[General Dryness]

fucking wish I wasn't ugly so I had some one night stand stories to share.

 

I did once shag a bird in toilets of a club bouncer caught us

 

" have you got a girl in there?"

 

"no"

 

"I can see four feet"

 

" I have two sets of legs"

 

" get out you wanker before I throw you out"

 

"You're seeing quadruple mate, I've only got 12 inches."

[littletedwest]

that's a better line pal!

[Fowlers God]

Eating shit food, getting hammered and smoking weed.

 

Yeah, gay as fuck that. Could be worse, he might be religious too.

I meant the drinks and I wasn't meaning to be personal, was just jesting.

[General Dryness]

I meant the drinks and I wasn't meaning to be personal, was just jesting.

 

Thats what threw me, you don't normally do humour.

[Adebisi]

Had my most weirdest one yet on Wednesday. Real nice girl, arty type living it up down in Shoreditch. Started out with some standard slapping and choking but then she started telling me to hit her 'for real' which I wouldn't do so she started calling me a pussy, pulled my hair and bit my lip really, really hard, both of which really, really hurt. 

'Alright, you've got a wild one here but she was nice enough before the tequilas so let's just get his other with and hope she falls asleep and fucks off sharp-ish in the morning' I thought. She then took her fingers and put them in my mouth and told me to suck them, if I knew she was going to attempt to stick them up my bottom I probably wouldn't have bothered.. Thankfully (I think) she couldn't quite reach because I'm a big lanky bugger. Anyway, that wasn't even the weird bit. The real depravity began when she told me to spit on her..

Errrr.. what?
Spit on me.
erm.. why? Like.. really?
Yes just spit on me. Go on. 
...
Please! I love it. 
- I reluctantly spit on her like I had a hair in my mouth or something - 
NO! Properly! Spit on me like I'm disgusting. Go on..goonnnfuckingspitonme!

So I did. Then she requested I did it again on her tits and I did. She was definitely loving it. A little bit later I finished up and we said out goodnights. I couldn't sleep and she seemed to be doing everything in her power to stop me from doing so and after about half an hour she asks if I'm awake. I didn't reply so she asked louder.. This time I replied hoping she just wanted a glass of water or something, instead she asked if I wanted to go again and starting playing with my cock and bollocks with her hands and mouth. So we went again and this time there was no funny business and it was actually quite nice. 

When we woke up there was no real awkwardness, she was back to sweet girl I met 12 hours earlier. She asked for a tea and if she could have a bath and once all that was over she told me she was going to send me a picture, apologised for the bloodied lip and that if I was ever down in London we should hang. Shortly after she left I gathered some things and got the next train back to my mama's house, half due to the fear that she'd call me looking for another go (she's up here until Sunday) and also because I felt seedy and needed to shower for 6 hours. I'm still here, phone in airplane mode. 

[Trumo]

...Started out with some standard slapping and choking...

 

I think this bit needs some clarification.

[Sugar Ape]

I've had wanks that were more depraved than that. Enjoy it and meet her again.

[Dr Nowt]

When I was 18 I stacked shelves through the night at a supermarket, house sharing with an older fella who worked there and was something of a caveman.

 

A married woman with 3 kids started working on our twilight shift, and he thought she was worth nailing.  Not for me at all, good bit older than him again, little to her and seemed a real straight head.  Became a bit of a recurring joke between us, whenever out having a drink he'd invariably bring her up, and we finished up having a first ten pints of a night out bet that he couldn't snare her.  She couldn't have seemed less the type, so it felt like an easy way to get a free night's booze when such things were not so much a priority as oxygen.

 

One night the lot of us from work went out and despite me thinking he was taking the piss when he said she was coming, she duly arrived.  Don't remember too much else as I was mindlessly pissed to the point I was spewing up in an alley round the side of the pub, but I kind of remember the three of us grabbing a taxi back to ours, sitting downstairs talking for a bit with the room spinning and then the curtains came down.

 

Next thing I can remember is someone kicking on my bedroom door repeatedly.  When I woke up and opened it, there he stood with the smuggest, red-eyed leer I think I've ever seen.  All he said was "You owe me ten fucking pints", and when I told him he was bullshitting and to prove it, replied "Do you want to sniff my cock?" with such delight I knew immediately I'd be shelling out for drinks the following night.  Which I did.  Her husband gave our house and the store abusive calls for months.

 

"Do you want to sniff my cock?" is a phrase I used for many, many years after that.  I didn't, by the way.

[Trumo]

I didn't, by the way.

 

Didn't want to sniff his cock, or didn't sniff his cock?

[Alan Sex]

Didn't want to sniff his cock, or didn't sniff his cock?

I'm sure he didn't sniff it. That's disgusting.

 

He just left out the part where he gave it a taste test instead.