Secret Shame

[RedinSweden]

The bitch in question had it coming. She'd shafted a couple of people I liked who weren't able to defend themselves. She wasn't actually done for the theft, but she didn't get her job back. It was a shit job anyway unless you've always wanted to be a shoe shop attendant.

 

I used to work in the storage roooms of Saxone. I used to have to send shoes down the shoot. It was an utterly shit job, only redeemed by a busty tart who did rude stuff.

[Tom R]

I've seen Rod Stewart and Status Quo live.

Twice.

 

I think George W Bush is the greatest man alive today.

 

i cry every time at the end of The Green Mile

 

After I had failed to successfully woo her daughter, I once had sex with this woman who at the time was older than my Mum. Actually, i imagine she is still older than my Mum.

[Total Longo]

This thread kicks ass.

 

I once vomited on a girls mary after going down on her. I wouldnt mind, it was totally clean and everything, i was just arseholed.

 

Every time that scene in Highlander comes on where Heather dies ("it's not cold, you've got yir little booties on that i made fir ye" etc) I always blub like a girl (provided nobody is around of course).

 

I had to get my current squeeze to lance a spot thing that had grown on my dirty inch about a year ago, it was so bad i could barely walk, and god bless her, she lanced it good and proper and pus went everywhere.

 

I own all four series of Blakes 7 on DVD.

 

I almost bagged off with a proper dwarf whilst on acid (she had a thing for my hands). She was over from Belfast tarining in my old work and was all over me and my mate like a rash. Me and my mate actually had the conversation where we discussed taking her back to the hotel room but i saw sense. My mates track record has not improved, he shagged a semi downs girl a year later.

 

I was once so desperate for a shite walking home from town after getting the train from Durham really late, that i used cheques from my cheque book to wipe my hoop.

 

I used to keep a bottle of Sunny Delight (empty) next to my bed in my old house because when i woke up in the night i was too lazy to walk the 20 yards to the toilet for a piss. It grew mould on it in the end. This practice had to cease once me and the mrs moved in together, oh how i miss pissing into bottles...

 

I think Ian Hislop is hilarious.

[Elmyn Noos]

I phoned in and voted for Will Young on Pop Idol.

[Hamma]

I think and still do that Shakespear in Love is a great movie.

[Total Longo]

On 09/01/2007 at 08:14, Stu Monty said:

I used to think that Ocean Drive and Lifted by The Lighthouse Family were on a par with some timeless Marvin.

 

Jesus wept

[cloggypop]

No wonder he hasn't been seen on here in years. 

[Total Longo]

10 minutes ago, cloggypop said:

No wonder he hasn't been seen on here in years. 

Puts every single one of mine to shame. Probably every single one on this whole thread.

[Total Longo]

1 minute ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Although I am commenting on a post some 13 years later, this is a great post. It reads like the plot summary of an Irvine Welsh novel. 

The only one i'm amazed i admitted to is the lancing episode. 

[Total Longo]

44 minutes ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I think the Ian Hislop one is borderline. I would not admit that out loud. 

Fair point. My tastes have changed quite a bit in the intervening 13 years. Hislop i can take or leave, whereas i used to quite like Paul Merton but i find his shtick painfully cringey now.

[General Dryness]

What the fucks up with Blake's 7? Classic British TV sci-fi right there. Second only to Tom Baker era Dr Who IMO.

[easytoslip]

On 07/05/2007 at 09:09, RJ Fan club said:

 

Nothing wrong with that I've got both albums and they are ace

Seen Amy Whitehouse about 15 years ago, £14, she and her band was great. My sister took me to see Status Quo and Gary Glitter at the Empire about 71 and and I've seen Bruce Forsythe at the Allinsons about 75

A mate of mine was on his way out and as he was walking down the road he had an uncontrollable urge for a shit, so there was only one course of action and that was to dive over a wall into a pretty big garden surrounded by bushes, he pulled his kecks down and as his arse exploded a dog came bounding over and knocked him over with the owner running behind shouting. 

He had to quickly pull his kecks up and leg it covered in shite. 

He had to go home

 

[Chairman Meow]

4 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

Although I am commenting on a post some 13 years later, this is a great post. It reads like the plot summary of an Irvine Welsh novel. 

 

[Tony Moanero]

Some rubbish posts in this thread. For example, there’s absolutely nothing embarrassing about owning Elton John or Kate Bush albums, and attending a Rod Stewart or Status Quo concert isn’t shameful.

[Tony Moanero]

I collected Starwberry Shortcake Panini stickers and completed the album.

 

 

When entering a crocodile soft toy throwing competition at Pontins Prestayn Sands, I gave a false date of birth, to gain the advantage of competing against younger kids. I won.

[Bjornebye]

1 minute ago, Tony Moanero said:

I collected Starwberry Shortcake Panini stickers and completed the album.

Hahaha 

[Tony Moanero]

Years ago, I did work experience in an office. Every day, a woman who worked there, brought in a big bag of penny sweets, to help her through the monotony of the day. One day, I ate all of them while she was on her tea break. She assumed it was one of her colleagues, kicked off and a cat fight ensued.

[Mudface]

26 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

I collected Starwberry Shortcake Panini stickers and completed the album.

Got any swaps?

[Stouffer]

36 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

Some rubbish posts in this thread. For example, there’s absolutely nothing embarrassing about owning Elton John or Kate Bush albums, and attending a Rod Stewart or Status Quo concert isn’t shameful.

Quo were the first and loudest concert I ever went to.

 

[Harry Squatter]

Me and my mate organised a lads weekend to Barcelona and one lad was being a total prick pretending to act stupid so we would book his flight and sort out accommodation.

 

Kept fucking about saying he was bringing a couple of other lads so we helped him book another apartment next to ours. Then these lads mysteriously never booked on and he started moaning about not being in our apartment and that we had pushed him out, also accused me and my mate of robbing money off him even though I was actually out of pocket changing the location of the apartment. 

 

Me and my mate met up and were slagging him off saying that he was a fucking nightmare making us run around with no thanks. My mate then got a phone call off one of those Indian scammers pretending to be from the Inland Revenue and he kept the fella on the line pretending to be scammed. My mate said "so if I give you my card details it will all be sorted and I won't go to prison?"

 

The scammer said yes, you owe £1750 in taxes. My mate then said "if we can call it 2 grand will you fuck off, not bother me and all this will go away?". 

 

We still had this bellend lad's card details saved so gave the scammer his credit card number to teach him a lesson. In hindsight it was a bit naughty. 

[KMD7]

Quo were fucking brilliant live. Saw them 3 times

[General Dryness]

1 hour ago, KMD7 said:

Quo were fucking brilliant live. Saw them 3 times

I've seen Quo live. It was 1990 and the IOM had been a bit on its arse through the 80s, and top acts had pretty much stopped visiting the island. Then we had Meatloaf over in 89, and Quo the following year. Halcyon days.

[VladimirIlyich]

8 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had a a mate whose sister was married to Paul Merton. He said he was perfectly normal but if anybody else at the dinner table made a joke, he would instantly turn on the comedy spiel like a tap just to maintain his status as "the funniest bloke" in the room. Said it became very tedious after a while. Paul doing his little act at every family occasion to out trump everybody. I think the sister died unfortunately. 

You don't just stick to murdering old ladies then.

[A Red]

9 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had a a mate whose sister was married to Paul Merton. He said he was perfectly normal but if anybody else at the dinner table made a joke, he would instantly turn on the comedy spiel like a tap just to maintain his status as "the funniest bloke" in the room. Said it became very tedious after a while. Paul doing his little act at every family occasion to out trump everybody. I think the sister died unfortunately. 

I remember Paul Merton being awarded comedian of the year or something like that. He was handed the mike, presumably so that he could give some clue as to why he got such an award, and was a right unfunny cunt. Ok when given topics as homework and lines to bounce off but fucking useless on his own. 

[VladimirIlyich]

On 15/10/2020 at 21:24, Colonel Kurtz said:

He’s completely unfunny but gets paid £15k a show for Have I got news for you. Bear that in mind next time you watch, all paid for from the licence fee. 

He's far from the worst who gets paid a shit load for next to fuck all. At least your tory mates will sort that out now.