The world of a woman.

[Bruce Spanner]

Was out with friends last night and a friend of a friend turned up, they are all women, and they started talking about their friend and how she couldn't hold down a relationship.

 

They start to regale me with stories about how she's flaky and unreliable etc and then this peach comes out...

 

She tells them that she can't figure out why her ex dumped her, but maybe it was due to communication issues. They pry a little further and the boyfriend has accused her of being unstable and unpredictable. More comes out until she goes into details about the last argument they had.

 

He's invited her to his parents for the night to meet them properly and all is going well until after dinner, she's had a few drinks at this point, she knocks a 'vase' off the mantle piece and it smashes and 'dust' flys everywhere.

 

She goes and tells them and they are horrified as it's the ashes of his dead brother!

 

As she hears this she has a panic attack and vomits into the debris!

 

Obiviously everyone is beyond reason and then she adds 'Perhaps we can just dehydrate him and it'll be fine'

 

The broke up the next day, can't think why?

[Section_31]

On 21/02/2022 at 11:11, Section_31 said:

Met my wife's new boss the other day at a wedding do, my Mrs thinks she's great and has been raving about her for ages. 

 

I have to say, she looks a lot like a tall Terri Hatcher, and at the end of the night she comes up to both of us and goes to me: "Someone from work just told me I've got no arse, what do you think of my arse?"

 

Mrs was totally oblivious to the inappropriateness of this, and I just replied 'ha, have a word with HR!' 

 

"No, seriously - what do you think of my arse?!"

 

Me: "ha indeed, hashtag metoo!"

 

Strange creatures. 

 

 

Heh. 

 

I said at this do I reckoned she was being knocked off by the big boss (she said this inappropriate stuff to me in front of him - of course.) Which is why I raised shields and went to red alert. I spent my 20s dealing with this shite.

 

Turns out they are, both were married at the time, he still is but she's left her fella and kids. She now uses it to get away with doing fuck all work.

 

I could see her ghetto ass coming from MILES away.

[Remmie]

It's all about lane 2! https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/av/athletics/66145468

 

Edit: lane 5 decides to jog it off aswell!

[Remmie]

My wife has got into Matcha, buying high grade AAA stuff at £30-35 a tin for 80g (this sounds outrageous but it's around 1g a serving and actually cheaper per serving than my coffee). As I am a coffee ponce, I bought a digital gooseneck pouring kettle with a temperature setting to the exact degree (Celsius obviously).

 

On the Matcha tin, it says to make your cup, you should pour in 80c degree water. So obviously the ideal workflow is to wait the extra time it takes to boil the water to 100c, burn your high grade Matcha and then wait 10 minutes for it to cool down, right?

[Mudface]

4 hours ago, Remmie said:

My wife has got into Matcha, buying high grade AAA stuff at £30-35 a tin for 80g (this sounds outrageous but it's around 1g a serving and actually cheaper per serving than my coffee). As I am a coffee ponce, I bought a digital gooseneck pouring kettle with a temperature setting to the exact degree (Celsius obviously).

 

On the Matcha tin, it says to make your cup, you should pour in 80c degree water. So obviously the ideal workflow is to wait the extra time it takes to boil the water to 100c, burn your high grade Matcha and then wait 10 minutes for it to cool down, right?

 

Did she catch you posting this and cut you off?

[Harry's Lad]

Mrs HL went to get the shop in yesterday and was complaining about the cost of it considering what she'd bought.

Prices are ridiculous she said. We're going to have to pull our belts in.

 

Pull our belts in? Yeah, right.

 

She did a boil wash in a washing machine with a 10kg drum this morning for three fucking teatowels.

[dandyman]

5 minutes ago, Harry's Lad said:

Mrs HL went to get the shop in yesterday and was complaining about the cost of it considering what she'd bought.

Prices are ridiculous she said. We're going to have to pull our belts in.

 

Pull our belts in? Yeah, right.

 

She did a boil wash in a washing machine with a 10kg drum this morning for three fucking teatowels.

She should’ve put your jeans and trackies in, you wouldn’t need a belt then, the boiling water would shrink your waistbands

[Harry's Lad]

1 minute ago, dandyman said:

She should’ve put your jeans and trackies in, you wouldn’t need a belt then, the boiling water would shrink your waistbands

Waistbands have already shrunk mate.

[Remmie]

4 hours ago, Mudface said:

 

Did she catch you posting this and cut you off?

What kind of amateur do you take me for, I waited until s

[lifetime fan]

What sort of silly cunt leaves a Global kitchen knife in a washing up bowl and doesn’t tell the person taking over from them that it’s in there? 
 

The same silly cunt who takes offence at being called a silly cunt for being a silly cunt. 
 

And to top of off it’s my wanking hand I’ve sliced open! 

[Remmie]

Oh god the incredibly familiar conversation about not keeping knives in water and mine cost nothing like your globals! 

[manwiththestick]

57 minutes ago, lifetime fan said:

What sort of silly cunt leaves a Global kitchen knife in a washing up bowl and doesn’t tell the person taking over from them that it’s in there? 
 

The same silly cunt who takes offence at being called a silly cunt for being a silly cunt. 
 

And to top of off it’s my wanking hand I’ve sliced open! 

Have her take over duties whilst you're healing.

[lifetime fan]

45 minutes ago, Remmie said:

Oh god the incredibly familiar conversation about not keeping knives in water and mine cost nothing like your globals! 

Leaving wooden chopping boards one third in a bowl of water overnight is her other favourite. 
 

And she wonders why I get pissy and her family think I’m a kitchen nazi. 

[lifetime fan]

10 minutes ago, manwiththestick said:

Have her take over duties whilst you're healing.

The mood she’s in now that ain’t gonna be happening for some time. 

[VladimirIlyich]

1 hour ago, lifetime fan said:

What sort of silly cunt leaves a Global kitchen knife in a washing up bowl and doesn’t tell the person taking over from them that it’s in there? 
 

The same silly cunt who takes offence at being called a silly cunt for being a silly cunt. 
 

And to top of off it’s my wanking hand I’ve sliced open! 

Was it the Nazi Germany version?

[littletedwest]

asked her to reserve a table at a Chinese buffet on Sunday. She's only nearly bought a website for a Chinese buffet

[Bob]

58 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

asked her to reserve a table at a Chinese buffet on Sunday. She's only nearly bought a website for a Chinese buffet

That’s one of the very best things to be posted in here. Up there with Pauline’s missus bedroom renovation planning.

[VladimirIlyich]

46 minutes ago, Bob Spunkmouse said:

That’s one of the very best things to be posted in here. Up there with Pauline’s missus bedroom renovation planning.

Paulie has had a sex change? To each their own but a shock to his daughter to have two Interior Decorator parents now.

[Paulie Dangerously]

2 hours ago, littletedwest said:

asked her to reserve a table at a Chinese buffet on Sunday. She's only nearly bought a website for a Chinese buffet

Haha fucking hell!!

[Redder Lurtz]

2 hours ago, littletedwest said:

asked her to reserve a table at a Chinese buffet on Sunday. She's only nearly bought a website for a Chinese buffet

 

That's fucking amazing. Classic. In tears here. 

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

Did she reserve the table?

[littletedwest]

8 hours ago, VERBAL DIARRHEA said:

Did she reserve the table?

No she said the website wasn't working so we went for a carvery 

 

This other detail didn't come to light til last night 

[Strontium]

She just went to take her mascara off and instead of using make-up remover she's used mouthwash.

 

"I thought it didn't feel right", no shit Sherlock.

[Ne Moe Imya]

5 hours ago, Strontium said:

She just went to take her mascara off and instead of using make-up remover she's used mouthwash.

 

"I thought it didn't feel right", no shit Sherlock.

Reminds me of the time (posted on here maybe 8 years ago?) that my missus came out of the bathroom complaining of a "tingly feeling" on her teeth.

 

When I started asking questions, she revealed that she had seen the laundry bleach solution tube I had bought to treat stains on clothing and, not reading what it was for, thought it was for whitening her teeth. Heaven only knows how she's even managed to survive this long!

[Harry Squatter]

On 16/07/2023 at 10:21, Harry's Lad said:

Mrs HL went to get the shop in yesterday and was complaining about the cost of it considering what she'd bought.

Prices are ridiculous she said. We're going to have to pull our belts in.

 

Pull our belts in? Yeah, right.

 

She did a boil wash in a washing machine with a 10kg drum this morning for three fucking teatowels.

Good job Martin Lewis is a man. If he was a woman the money-saving tips would be:

 

"guilt trip your husband into thinking there's no money for anything and tell him he might have to stop going the pub/footy/playing golf,  then go out and buy a pair of curtains for £59 that you never needed but were reduced from £150"