The world of a woman.

[VladimirIlyich]

Phone call we had a while ago.

 

Her: You do this every time you borrow my car' date=' I keep asking you to not put the handbrake on too tight.

 

Me: I didn't.

 

Her: You did, you do it every bloody time, I can't get the handbrake off.

 

Me: I didn't.

 

Her: You did! Stop calling me a fucking liar.

 

Me: Where are you?

 

Her: Stop trying to change the subject.

 

Me: Just answer me, where are you?

 

Her: Outside my Mums wanting to come home but I can't because you keep deliberately putting on the handbrake too tight.

 

Me: Who drove you to your Mums?

 

Her: No one, I did.

 

Me: So who put the handbrake on when you got there?

 

Phone line goes dead.[/quote']

 

Tell her to press the button on the handle in first, it might help.

[Unrighteous]

Phone call we had a while ago.

 

 

Her: You do this every time you borrow my car, I keep asking you to not put the handbrake on too tight.

 

Me: I didn't.

 

Her: You did, you do it every bloody time, I can't get the handbrake off.

 

Me: I didn't.

 

Her: You did! Stop calling me a fucking liar.

 

Me: Where are you?

 

Her: Stop trying to change the subject.

 

Me: Just answer me, where are you?

 

Her: Outside my Mums wanting to come home but I can't because you keep deliberately putting on the handbrake too tight.

 

Me: Who drove you to your Mums?

 

Her: No one, I did.

 

Me: So who put the handbrake on when you got there?

 

 

Phone line goes dead.

 

[Champ]

It gets even worse.

 

Her: When I've finished chemo and radiotherapy I want to put on some weight but not everything I've lost.

 

Me: You need to put some weight on, your tits haven't been that small since you were 14.

 

Her: But I don't want people thinking I wanted cancer to lose weight?

 

Me: Who on fucking earth would think like that?

 

Her: Women will.

 

 

I swear you're a different species

[lifetime fan]

 

 

Each night when I walk the dog I take her keys and put her handbrake up a couple of notches.

 

She still hasn't worked out what I'm doing. It's little victories like this that keep a relationship going.

[lifetime fan]

I swear you're a different species

 

She's dropped from a DD to B/C. I told her that's grounds for divorce.

[Joe Le Taxi]

Pics or GTFO

[Champ]

Each night when I walk the dog I take her keys and put her handbrake up a couple of notches.

 

She still hasn't worked out what I'm doing. It's little victories like this that keep a relationship going.

 

Tell me you're making this up

[lifetime fan]

Someone could make that shit up?

[lifetime fan]

Pics or GTFO

 

 

When they're back too 'bought as seen'.

[Champ]

 

Tell me you're making this up

 

Someone could make that shit up?

 

The 'shit' that you're doing? And you call me weird!

[Joe Le Taxi]

When they're back too 'bought as seen'.

 

You've seen how little tits my ex had, it'd probably be an improvement.

[brucespanner]

Not really sure where to put this little story, but stay with me.

 

Being at somewhat of a loose end after my weekend plans were cancelled, I've negged Rapey because that fucking organisation he works for is indirectly responsible for it, I go to the local pub for a couple. The barmaid working said that the other barmaid was at a loose end as well and we should go for a drink, I didn't need any encouragement as she's a fit Kiwi. So off we toddle, a bar here, a shot there, talk of travel and what not, everything going well. Anyhow's it gets to the wee small hours and I ask if she fancies wine and a film at mine, she does, fantastic!

 

It's then that things take a turn for the odd! We're on my bed, she's yet to take her coat off, admittedly it was cold, I'd left the window open all day, but after half hour the coat remains. I do what any self-respecting chap would and make a move, she does nothing, absolutely nothing, she's motionless, she doesn't move her lips as we 'kiss'. I ask if she's alright? 'yes, fine' comes the reply. I'm at a loss, she's in my bed, she's hot, she's doing absolutely nothing!!! After about an hour of awkwardness she takes her coat off and gets under the duvet, I follow suit thinking this is some strange Kiwi courting ritual. I put my arm around her, she does nothing, i mean nothing, not a flicker of emotion, and that's that, I have a woman I barely know sharing my bed, but at the same time I'm fundamentally alone. We both toss and turn in the night, hardly recognising each others presence and then the alarm goes off, she made me set it for seven, and she grabs hold of my hand squeezes it and cuddles me, great I think finally, but no, she stands up puts her fucking coat on and asks if I'd walk her to the door?

 

Fucking strange night!

[Trumo]

Maybe she really did want wine and a film. Crazy bitch.

[brucespanner]

Maybe she really did want wine and a film. Crazy bitch.

 

She didn't touch the wine and was flirting all night, it's difficult to explain.

 

I think she just wanted a bed for the night in all honesty.

[Trumo]

I think she just wanted a bed for the night in all honesty.

 

That would be the 'loose end' her barmaid friend was hinting at then.

[Harry Squatter]

Some daft bitch on my mate's Facebook has just announced that she has won 250 grand on a scratch card. All her mates have done the usual omg, pmsl, Rolf bollocks. One fella has come on telling her to take it off her status as every cunt will be after her cash or blackmailing her as she knows a load of scallies. All the omg brigade have just told him to shut up and stop being jealous.

[General Dryness]

Not really sure where to put this little story, but stay with me.

 

Being at somewhat of a loose end after my weekend plans were cancelled, I've negged Rapey because that fucking organisation he works for is indirectly responsible for it, I go to the local pub for a couple. The barmaid working said that the other barmaid was at a loose end as well and we should go for a drink, I didn't need any encouragement as she's a fit Kiwi. So off we toddle, a bar here, a shot there, talk of travel and what not, everything going well. Anyhow's it gets to the wee small hours and I ask if she fancies wine and a film at mine, she does, fantastic!

 

It's then that things take a turn for the odd! We're on my bed, she's yet to take her coat off, admittedly it was cold, I'd left the window open all day, but after half hour the coat remains. I do what any self-respecting chap would and make a move, she does nothing, absolutely nothing, she's motionless, she doesn't move her lips as we 'kiss'. I ask if she's alright? 'yes, fine' comes the reply. I'm at a loss, she's in my bed, she's hot, she's doing absolutely nothing!!! After about an hour of awkwardness she takes her coat off and gets under the duvet, I follow suit thinking this is some strange Kiwi courting ritual. I put my arm around her, she does nothing, i mean nothing, not a flicker of emotion, and that's that, I have a woman I barely know sharing my bed, but at the same time I'm fundamentally alone. We both toss and turn in the night, hardly recognising each others presence and then the alarm goes off, she made me set it for seven, and she grabs hold of my hand squeezes it and cuddles me, great I think finally, but no, she stands up puts her fucking coat on and asks if I'd walk her to the door?

 

Fucking strange night!

 

Kiwi men aren't normally as polite as you were being, Bruce.

 

She was probably wondering why you were holding back.

[Redder Lurtz]

...the omg brigade...

 

Is there anything in law preventing me from bringing a brick to work and repeatedly smashing anyone in the face who says "OH MY GOD THAT'S AMAZING" at every fucking little thing?

 

How about the "IYAAAAAAAA!" brigade? They're obviously a secondary annoyance to the OMG brigade but equally as deserving of being on the receiving end of a brick to the face.

[Champ]

Is there anything in law preventing me from bringing a brick to work and repeatedly smashing anyone in the face who says "OH MY GOD THAT'S AMAZING" at every fucking little thing?

 

How about the "IYAAAAAAAA!" brigade? They're obviously a secondary annoyance to the OMG brigade but equally as deserving of being on the receiving end of a brick to the face.

 

The local greeting, I presume? Not sure we have an obvious equivalent here. Variations on 'hello/hi, how are you?' being the closest I can think of. Not half as cheery

[Redder Lurtz]

The local greeting, I presume? Not sure we have an obvious equivalent here. Variations on 'hello/hi, how are you?' being the closest I can think of. Not half as cheery

 

There's nothing remotely cheery about some scrag end of a human being screaming "IYAAAAAAAAA!" at everyone who walks into the office on a Monday morning, or any other morning.

[Lucky Pierre]

Charlie Brooker's take on the Melanie Sykes IYAAAAAAAA! Advert was brilliant a few weeks back.

[VladimirIlyich]

Some daft bitch on my mate's Facebook has just announced that she has won 250 grand on a scratch card. All her mates have done the usual omg, pmsl, Rolf bollocks. One fella has come on telling her to take it off her status as every cunt will be after her cash or blackmailing her as she knows a load of scallies. All the omg brigade have just told him to shut up and stop being jealous.

 

She's probably forgot to add a decimal point.

[Harry Squatter]

Nope, she posted a photo of it. Her kids just aren't getting kidnapped at school next week.

[Redder Lurtz]

Started seeing this woman a few weeks ago who then went to the States for a couple of weeks with work. Time differences and all that meant communication was a little thin on the ground. She's now back and has been emailing and texting me non stop. I mentioned to her that I'm off work on Friday as I'm at a beer festival Thursday night. She said "Oh, I was hoping we could go out on Friday night, will you be ill?" to which I replied of course not, I'll be fine by lunchtime and asked here where she fancied going - a meal, drinks etc. She's replied saying she can't drink much as she's on an ale trail next day.

 

She chased me for this date, not the other way around. Can you imagine saying that to a woman who you'd asked to go on a date with? I'm on the verge of telling her to forget it and let me know when she fancies a date that doesn't conflict with her social calendar.

 

The fucking creatures drive me to distraction.

[Stu Monty]

You could go out and her not drink much?