Joke!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[halewood pete]

Too soon ?

[an tha]

It takes me 20 mins to walk to the ale house from my house - yet it takes me 45 mins to walk back home at end of the night.

The difference is staggering....

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[stringvest]

one of Funkhouser's best

 

 

[Clem H Fandango]

I am 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon...

 

Unfortunately I am now starting to flag quite badly

[JagSquared]

[redheart]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:

"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Two blokes on a golf course being held up by a couple of women playing slowly ahead of them.  One of the blokes says "Fuck it, I'm going to ask if we can play through." So he heads towards the women, gets halfway there then turns and scurries back to the other bloke.  "You'll have to go", he says, "it's my wife and the woman I'm having an affair with."

 

So the second bloke sets off, gets halfway there then turns back and says "Small world, isn't it!"

[Ezekiel 25:17]

A fella walked up to me and said 'I used to Shag your wife before you were married !!!!'

 

 

me too, I replied.

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter coat made entirely out of flatbreads? 
 

It’s his Pitta-Parka

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Section_31]

What do you call a historian who specialises in middle eastern food?

 

Simon Shawarma.

[Clem H Fandango]

My wife asked me to help her to stop sucking her thumb.

 

I drew a cock on it.

[Clem H Fandango]

My next door neighbour has just confronted me about the items missing from her washing line...

 

I nearly shat her pants.

[Clem H Fandango]

My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents for the weekend but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.....which is a shame cos I really fancy him.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[Clem H Fandango]

My neighbour told me her cat needed to be chipped.

I only had a 9 Iron but I still got it over the fence!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

[JagSquared]

Why did the transgender man only eat salads?

 

 

because he was a her-before.

[Elite]

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.

 

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

[Megadrive Man]

On 13/05/2023 at 08:36, Clem H Fandango said:

My neighbour told me her cat needed to be chipped.

I only had a 9 Iron but I still got it over the fence!

 

2 hours ago, Elite said:

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.

 

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

 

You two get the same joke book?

[Guest]

During a robbery in Zimbabwe, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank lay down quietly. This is called the "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage! The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!" The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery. This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

 

So who are the real robbers here?

[Ezekiel 25:17]

19 minutes ago, Shooter in the Motor said:

During a robbery in Zimbabwe, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank lay down quietly. This is called the "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage! The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!" The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery. This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

 

So who are the real robbers here?

 

That was hard work.