Bottom (The opening credits in particular)

[Pureblood]

Tell me more, old bag.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Oh look, they've thrown Aswad through the window.

[Fugitive]

WOMBLES!!!!

[KMD7]

One lump or two Mr Burgler?

[KMD7]

 

And Sad Ken has been shot and so has the jockey

[Bjornebye]

"That papers upside down"

"So are my eyes..."

[The Golden Eel]

That bit in Carnival where he's trying to record a Kilroy-style show and he goes "Should traffic wardens be armed?" before proceeding to fall down the stairs and ends up with his head stuck in the bog. Then look on his face when gets his head out. Classic

[Total Longo]

Nice trousers. They, they remind me of a story I know. A long story. Lasts about fifteen minutes. Erm, once upon a time,there, there was a big forest. And in the middle of the forest there lived... some trousers. Called... Dave.

[The Golden Eel]

That bit in Carnival where he's trying to record a Kilroy-style show and he goes "Should traffic wardens be armed?" before proceeding to fall down the stairs and ends up with his head stuck in the bog. Then look on his face when gets his head out. Classic

 

[Bjornebye]

Nice trousers. They, they remind me of a story I know. A long story. Lasts about fifteen minutes. Erm, once upon a time,there, there was a big forest. And in the middle of the forest there lived... some trousers. Called... Dave.

 

Hahaha pissing myself here 

[Fugitive]

Have you got anymore exploding carrrrots?

[Total Longo]

Hahaha pissing myself here 

 

Nobody else could say the word "trousers" and make it anywhere near as funny. 

[skend04]

"That's a lovely blouse" is my fallback line when my patter is failing with the opposite sex.

[Total Longo]

"That's a lovely blouse" is my fallback line when my patter is failing with the opposite sex.

 

"smashing blouse" - no wonder you aren't getting anywhere.

[KMD7]

"It's very special isn't it"?

[Total Longo]

"Have you strained your vegetables?" 

 

"No, it's just these hired trousers are a bit tight."

 

Classic.

 

Also the "i haven't got time to grow a beard" line in the same episode ("Digger") cracks me up every single time, probably my favourite episode of them all 

 

[skend04]

"smashing blouse" - no wonder you aren't getting anywhere.

Damn it!!

[Dan Vito Corleone]

Berlin is the capital of which country GERMANY

[The Golden Eel]

I was talking about the subsequent lavatarians

[SlugTrail]

Is it on Netflix or anything, I could do with watching some of them again

 

I pulled an Irish bird one night a few years ago, we went back to her house & half way up the stairs she started telling me she was in love with some other bloke & so we couldn't do anything. This was deepest darkest Leith at about 3:30am so I couldn't be arsed getting a Phil Babb all the way home, when we got in to her flat she put a DVD of Bottom on which I was astounded by & we sat & pissed ourselves at it for ages. I can just remember waking up on her couch with a stinking hangover & that intro music stuck on repeat.

yes it's on Netflix, I have been re watching them recently

[Bjornebye]

Richie: I mean what happened there? I just don't understand it. I made all the right moves: I winked, I smiled - one of my nice ones as well - I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my special eyes and said "Hello big tits, looking for some action?" And what did she say?

 

Eddie: I think she said no, didn't she?

 

Richie: That's right! No. Blasted lesbians everywhere. They should have labels on them or something. I wasted half an hour on those two. Prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks - backwards and forwards to the Gent's I was going. Look at this, look at this! I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here.

 

Eddie: I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got off with those other blokes. Those, er, handsomer, wittier, erm, well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers.

 

Richie: Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting "Wahoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower girls?"

 

Eddie: I got a result.

 

Richie: I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.

 

Eddie: A free drink!

 

Richie: Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face.

 

Eddie: Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.

[Bjornebye]

Richie: What a waste of time. If only I could just get one of them to do it with me. I mean anybody. Just to do it with me. Just once. Just to find out what it's like. I mean look, look all around you. It's Friday night, and everywhere you look there's buildings full of people doing it. They're all doing it and doing it, and then stopping and having a fag and then doing it a bit more. There's not a single one of them saying "Hang on a minute. This really isn't fair. I mean, here's us doing it and doing it and doing it and there's poor old Richie and he hasn't done it. Ever. He hasn't got anyone to do it to. I'll tell you what, I'll pop down and do it to him for a bit, and then pop back up, would that be alright?" I mean it wouldn't hurt, would it? It'd be charitable. I mean, just think of all those acres and acres of ladies, all lying there saying "Go on darling, let's do it." And the blokes saying "Nah, I don't feel like doing it, the snooker's on." Well I could be filling in for him! Providing a service. I could even charge! Might make a bit of money. Hey Eddie, I've just thought of s- What on earth are you eating?

 

Eddie: Lard.

 

Richie: You are eating.. lard.

 

Eddie: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.

 

Richie: All right Eddie, I can feel the elbow in the ribs. Alright, I'll do one of my famous Friday night fryups. Chuck us a couple of eggs.

 

[Eddie throws across two eggs, which splash out of the frying pan.]

 

Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa, the old ones are the best ones, aren't they! Who needs girls when you've got your mates! I tell you, there's some things a girl just can't appreciate and Richie's Friday night fryup is one of them. Oil!

 

[Eddie is drinking from a bottle of oil. He replaces the lid and throws the bottle to Richie.]

 

Eddie: Ah! Mazola!

 

Richie: Right then. A little dab of oil... The secret ingredient...

 

[He picks up a pan and starts to scrape out the contents.]

 

Come on out, you know you want to! Come on, you've only been in there a week.

 

[Eddie takes a pint from his jacket pocket.]

 

Eddie: Ha ha ha haaa!

 

Richie: And then just the last couple of pints... Hoh!

 

[Richie has noticed some action going on in the house opposite. He takes a pair of binoculars from a hook by the window. The couple notice him ogling them.]

 

Lovely night!

 

[He tosses the binoculars out of the window. A dog below barks. He turns away from the window with a sigh.]

 

Hit that dog again. But why doesn't anyone ever want to have any sex with me?

 

Eddie: Well look on the bright side Richie, at least you're not going to get any sexually transmitted diseases.

 

Richie: You're right there, I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl. In fact that was the closest I ever got to sex when that bus conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Gaw, talk about the Green Line! Oh Eddie. I'm just so depressed.

 

Eddie: Aw, cheer up Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world, one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or later.

 

Richie: But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me. I mean, she doesn't even need to sleep with me. It's the staying awake bit I'm interested in.

 

Eddie: Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea!

 

Richie: Oh great! [He waits while Eddie drinks his pint.] Well?

 

Eddie: What?

 

Richie: What was the fantastic idea?

 

Eddie: To drink that.

[Bjornebye]

Only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?

 

Richie: Yeah!

 

Eddie: Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."

 

Richie: That is absolutely brilliant! "Suave, sophisticated, witty" bababababa-aaaaaah! Let's just be economical with the truth. Um, something buck. Yeah, "Hot young buck".

 

Eddie: What about "badger"?

 

Richie: Nnnno, no, I'm more a sort of..

 

Eddie: "Hedgehog".

 

Richie: No, fox. That's good. No, that's good. No that is good.

 

Eddie: "Stoat".

 

Richie: Foxy stoat? Yeeaah! Yeah, it's got a ring to it. "Foxy stoat seeks.."

 

Eddie: "Pig"!

 

Richie: "Foxy stoat seeks pig." Shut up Eddie! This is very important. Let's see now, foxy stoat... on the prowl... Rrrrrrrrr... I like that! Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat... Oh this is ridiculous! I'm not getting anywhere. What do they normally put?

 

Eddie: Hang on, here we are. Sad old gits section. Sad old gits section. Did you hear what I said?

 

Richie: Yes.

 

Eddie: I said "Sad old gits section."

 

Richie: Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward. What do they normally put?

 

Eddie: Well he's not going to get very far, is he? "Gay."

 

Richie: Don't knock it Eddie, cuts down the field for guys like us. Right, let's have a look at this. "Gay.. gay gay gay gay gay gay widow ga-" aah, widow! [licks lips] "Widow. Busty, raven-haired, millionairess, gay." Gay, gay- hang on Eddie, this is the gay section! Well u- urhh, what's this? "Instant Sex Appeal". You can get it in a bottle.

 

Eddie: Let's have a look.

 

[Eddie gets up, stumbling around the room behind Richie.]

 

Richie: "Pheromone sex scent. Women cannot resist this powerful love smell. Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids." Wow! Oh look, it's medically proven. "This stuff attracts women like you would not believe - Karachi Medical Gazette. Available at all good sex shops." This is it Eddie - Girl City here we come! What do you think old chum?

 

[Eddie throws up on Richie's shoulder. The pan explodes.]

 

Richie: Nil desparandum!

[Special K]

I don't drink an awful lot of fizzy drinks any more but every time I get a coke I end up saying "I bought you a coca cola in good faith" to myself.

[Bjornebye]

Richie is lurking outside the door; he pushes Eddie into the shop.]

 

Richie: Go on. Go on!

 

Assistant: Can I help you sir?

 

Eddie: Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?

 

Assistant: Yes.

 

Eddie: I'll have five quid's worth then!

 

Assistant: Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.

 

Eddie: Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?

 

Assistant: No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.

 

Eddie: You've been working here too long mate.

 

Richie: [hissing, from the door] Get some pheromone, get the pheromone.

 

Assistant: Can I help you, sir?

 

Richie: No.

 

Assistant: Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex life?

 

Richie: What are you implying? That I'm some sort of sexual inadequate? I have a very full and rich and varied sex life, thank you very much. I don't need anything from a shop like this!

 

Assistant: Would you get out then sir?

 

Richie: No.

 

Assistant: Why not?

 

Richie: It's a secret.

 

[He gestures urgently to Eddie.]

 

Eddie: [to Richie] Okay. [quietly] Hhhm, two bottles of pheromone please.

 

Assistant: Pardon?

 

Eddie: Hhhhhhhhh, two bottles of pheromone please.

 

Assistant: Pheromone! Oh yes, that's the sex spray for inadequate men who find it impossible to attract women?

 

Eddie: That's the one, yes.

 

Assistant: [to Richie] Isn't it, sir?

 

Richie: Ah, I've got no idea, not being a pervert I'm not up on these things.

 

Assistant: Your sex spray gentlemen!

 

Eddie: Hh, hhh, I've got it!

 

Richie: Fantastic, give me mine! Let's go! Er, I mean, well done Doctor..

 

Eddie: I'm not a doctor!

 

Richie: Shut up. We are men of science!

 

[He discovers that his hand is clasping a huge dildo. He jumps back.]

 

We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster! Where truth and purity and virginity are the only things we respect!

 

Eddie: That's right Richie. Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit of this on, get down the pub and see if we can pick up some birds!

 

Richie: Yeah!

 

[They leave. Richie gets tangled up in a leather harness.]

 

Urgh, urgh, urg, urgh.. whoarrgh!