Joke!

[ReddOrDedd]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About eight pints.

[halewood pete]

This little maths test can predict your all time most watched film.mine was Star wars.

try it without looking at the answers,it works !!

 

pick a number from 1-9

 

multiply it by 3

 

then add 3,and multiply by 3 again

 

you will get your answer by adding the two digits of your answer together to find your all time favourite film.it is;-

 

1.gone with the wind

 

 

2.aliens

 

 

 

3.oliver

 

 

 

 

4/star wars

 

 

 

 

5.forrest gump

 

 

 

 

 

6.saving private ryan

 

 

 

 

 

7.jaws

 

 

 

 

 

8.grease

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.gay leather clad rent boys giving each others arse a right good seeing to.

 

 

 

 

10.mary poppins

[odris]

Forest Gump. That like reads your mind.

 

 

 

:whistle:

[Melchett]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence, but....

 

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia.

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

 

Has any one else noticed this? ...

 

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[Wor Horse]

Why were the Bakers hands covered in brown stuff?

 

Because he kneaded a poo.

[halewood pete]

Wife says to husband,

"lets try the missionary position"husband say ok how do we do that ?

wife replies,"i'll stay here,and you fuck off to africa "!

[AL66GOLF]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the

lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next

to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with

Him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain

eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's

go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned

against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your

ears.'

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these

breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my

butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

 

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you

heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[AL66GOLF]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the

summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started

canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of

the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much

will you charge me?'

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything

she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the

conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch

goes ALL the way around the house?'

 

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

 

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those

dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

 

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two

coats.'

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to

her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Remmie]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence, but....

 

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia.

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing.

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

 

Has any one else noticed this? ...

 

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Call me a massive pedantic cunt but next year is not the year of the rooster (cock). It's the year of the tiger.

[Melchett]

Call me a massive pedantic cunt but next year is not the year of the rooster (cock). It's the year of the tiger.

 

iIn that case, only worry if you've got a pussy then.

[Trumo]

A woman bumps into her local priest on the street one day. "How are you Father?" she asks.

"Very well my child. Are you well? How is your husband?" he asks her.

"Not so good. He's depressed because, try as we might, we just cannot have children."

"Oh I'm sorry to here that. I'm going to the Vatican this weekend, so I'll light a candle for you both while I'm there, and say a little prayer," says the priest.

"Oh that'd be grand. Thank you Father."

Several years later, the woman bumps into the priest on the street again. She is six months pregnant.

"Hello Father," she says.

"Ah hello again. Are you well?" says the priest.

"Great thanks. Your little prayer worked by the way. We now have triplets, two sets of twins and another on the way."

"Grand! And how is your husband?" asks the priest.

"He's off to the Vatican to put that fucking candle out."

[halewood pete]

Man goes into a library and asks for a book on Tourettes syndrome.

 

librarian says "fuck off you daft cunt "

Man replies "yeah,thats the one "

[Melchett]

I'm very lucky, my girlfriend looks like a porn star.

She's got a 10" cock and a handlebar mustache.

[Trumo]

The meaning of Life.

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

 

The dog said, "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?"

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span."

 

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

 

The cow said, "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?"

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."

 

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty. Okay?"

 

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

[Trumo]

A housewife is having an affair, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year-old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the wardrobe. The boy now has company.

 

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a cricket ball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Wanna buy it?"

Man: "No thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "£100."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mum's lover are hiding in the wardrobe together.

 

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a cricket bat."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "£250."

Man: "Fine."

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Come on. Let's go outside and play some cricket."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "£350."

The father says, "You know, it's a sin to overcharge your friends like that. Now you go to the church and confess."

 

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

 

The boy says, "Dark in here."

 

The priest says, "Don't you start that shit again!"

[Trumo]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot-shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.

 

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" asked the lawyer.

 

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

 

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

 

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

 

"Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the Stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

 

"Now tell me: what the fuck would you say?"

[Trumo]

Two friends are just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag calls out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

 

The friends agree, so they start playing and enjoying the game and the company of the stranger. Part way around the course, one of the friends asks the stranger, "What do you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a hitman," he replies.

 

"You're joking!" they respond.

 

"No, I'm not," he says, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

 

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," says the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picks up the rifle and looks through the sight in the direction of his house.

 

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

 

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait...what's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...He's naked as well! That bastard!"

 

He turns to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

 

"I do a flat rate. For you, £1000 every time I pull the trigger."

 

"Can you do two for me now?"

 

"Sure. That's two grand. What do you want?"

 

"First, shoot my neighbour. He's a bit of a cad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson. Then the wife. She's always been a mouthy bitch, so shoot her in the mouth."

 

The hitman takes the rifle and stands to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

 

"Are you going to do it or not?" asks the husband impatiently.

 

"Just wait a moment, be patient," says the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."

[Trumo]

John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor says, "I can’t give you a double dose."

"Why not?" asks John.

"Because it's not safe," replies the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," says John.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Because," says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you’ve suffered any side effects."

On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

John replies, "No one showed up."

[halewood pete]

In court today.the judge asked me "why do you keep beating your wife"?

 

I replied "its probably because of my fancy footwork and longer reach,your honour "!

[Trumo]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his check-up. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

 

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

 

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the steaks."

 

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

 

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he took a piss in the fridge again!"

[Lucky Pierre]

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood Alex Woo. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

 

The guy responded, "3rd floor." Alex pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

 

As the elevator started moving the man struck up a conversation and asked Alex where he was going. He said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for £10 to supplement my income." Then he asked the gentleman where he was going.

 

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for £50 to supplement my income".

 

The next week the same scenario happens. The man stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and Alex was standing inside. The guy smiled and greeted Alex and asked if he was going to the 3rd floor?

 

Alex responded in a garbled tone (as if he had something in his mouth), "No 5th floor first."

[halewood pete]

A vicar is teaching his son how to wank

His son says "this is great fun dad"

the vicar replies,"it is son & when you reach

thirteen,you can use your own cock."

[halewood pete]

Michael jackson has been kicked off all star family fortunes.

When asked "where would you take your kids for a special treat?"

"up the shitter"didn't go down too well !

[MokTheAfflicted]

The wife's not speakin to me because I wouldn't open the car door for her. It wasn't my fault - I just panicked and swam to the surface :(

[Woo]

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood Alex Woo. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

 

The guy responded, "3rd floor." Alex pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

 

As the elevator started moving the man struck up a conversation and asked Alex where he was going. He said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for £10 to supplement my income." Then he asked the gentleman where he was going.

 

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for £50 to supplement my income".

 

The next week the same scenario happens. The man stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and Alex was standing inside. The guy smiled and greeted Alex and asked if he was going to the 3rd floor?

 

Alex responded in a garbled tone (as if he had something in his mouth), "No 5th floor first."

 

I hate 'elevators', so if it was the third floor I was going to I would just take the stairs. Shit joke aswell.