Joke!

[Lucky Pierre]

I hate 'elevators', so if it was the third floor I was going to I would just take the stairs. Shit joke aswell.

You'd still have man juice in your mouth though...

[Woo]

One of these days, a man from Birkenhead will make at least ONE funny joke.

 

Some day.

 

Until then, we have to put up with these attempts, which when put into perspective, make Peter Kay look as funny as Richard Pryor.

[Total Longo]

My two all time favourites...

 

What did Yoko say when she found out John Lennon had been shot?

Ono

 

How do you know when your little sister's on?

Because your dad's dick tastes funny

 

The last one covers all the bases

[Ezekiel 25:17]

I'd like to dedicate this Father's day to my dad who was a roofer, so dad, if you're up there...........

[Trumo]

A Chinese man walks into a US foreign exchange bureau to exchange his money for dollars.

"How much for 200 dollar?" asks the man.

The teller says "1400 yuan."

The man hands over his Chinese currency for $200, then leaves.

The next day he goes back to the bureau to exchange some more money.

"How much for 200 dollar?" he asks the teller.

The teller says "1600 yuan."

"But yesterday I come and you ask only 1400 yuan. Why price gone up?" asks the man.

"Fluctuations," says the teller.

The man gets very angry.

"Well, fluck you Americans too!"

[halewood pete]

a Womans body has been found at the bottom of the mersey in a suitcase....

 

Who said men can't pack !

[melons]

Hey your in luck!

 

walls icecream have just released their new lolly ice flavour for 2009, its window flavoured.

 

your favourite!

[Melchett]

My dad caught me sucking my own dick, he said 'Man I wish I could do that!'

 

So I let him.

 

well it was my 12th birthday.

[Melchett]

My wife used to embarrass me in social situations by addressing me by pet names, such as 'Snugglebear', 'Honeywunny' and 'Cutiepie'.

 

She eventually stopped when I began doing the same thing to her.

 

Anyway, got to go, folks; Bucketcunt's just put my tea out.

[Trumo]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indian crazy or what?” The Indian replied, “No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian man see cave, he holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If he get answer back, it mean there is a beautiful squaw in there waiting for him.”

 

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It’s bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!”

 

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

 

 

 

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[MokTheAfflicted]

After 10 years together my wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. If any of you know a better way to get dog shit out of trainers I'd be grateful ... :|

[MokTheAfflicted]

Sometimes when you cry nobody sees your tears.... when you're worried nobody sees your pain... when you're happy nobody sees your smile.... but just try having a wank on a bus and see how much attention you get !!

 

PS Can anyone pick me up from St Anne Street police station in about an hour?:ermm:

[Trumo]

A Navajo Indian chief had constipation, so he sent his second-in-command to ride into town to get some laxatives from the town doctor.

 

The second-in-command goes up to the doctor and says, "Big Chief no shit." The doctor gives the Indian a small package containing a liquid laxative, and tells the Indian that the Chief should take ONE spoonful three times a day.

 

The next day the Chief had no luck, so his second-in-command rides back into town, and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no shit." The doctor tells the Indian to give the Chief TWO spoonfuls three times a day.

 

On the third day, there is still no change, so again the second-in-command is dispatched into town to see the doctor, and again the Indian tells him, "Big chief no shit." The doctor advises that the Chief should try THREE spoonfuls three times a day. The Indian goes back to the camp and does this.

 

On the fourth day, with the Chief's constipation getting worse, the Indian is sent to see the doctor once more. The Indian hands the doctor an empty laxative bottle and says, by now exasperated, "Big Chief no shit!"

 

The doctor seems stumped, so hands the Indian a new bottle of laxative and says the Chief should try the entire bottle, which will clear up the problem.

 

The following day, the Indian rides back into town to see the doctor. This time he's frantically shouting,

 

"DOC! DOC! BIG SHIT, NO CHIEF!"

[Melchett]

You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

[ReddOrDedd]

A bloke walks in through his front door with a duck under his arm and says, "There you go. This is the pig I told you about that I've been fucking."

 

His wife says, "That's not a pig - it's a duck."

 

Bloke says, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

 

 

 

An oldie but goldie.

[Melchett]

I've just been into my garden and came over something really strange.

I'm not sure what it was so wiped my cock on a leaf and left.

[Melchett]

They say you are what you eat, funny that, I don't ever remember my missus eating shit in bed.

[Melchett]

So Stephen Hawking is intelligent is he? I went to a lecture of his and there was a power cut. I was asking all sorts of questions but he just sat there speechless and looking fucking gormless.

[Melchett]

Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.

[TheBitch]

My girlfriend is a dirty little minx, when I cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it and then let it dribble out of her mouth, over her cheeks and down her chin.

 

She may be completely paralysed but she sure knows how to enjoy herself.

[the jam]

maths teacher asks little becky what comes after 69?

little becky says a wet wipe and some mouth wash,usually.

[halewood pete]

my wifes left me and took my bob marley collection and the satellite dish.

 

no woman, no sky !

[Melchett]

The word 'Tsunami' is not in my phones' predictive text dictionary.So if you ever get a text from me saying 'Trumang!!!', get the FUCK off the beach.

[Melchett]

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one's a match for me and my kettle.

[Melchett]

I love going up my local club. My favourite bit is the 'erection section'.But my mates call it 'getting frisked by the bouncers'.