The world of a woman.

[Elite]

I've mentioned on here that my wife is the clumsiest fucker in the world. We are both off today and are taking down the decorations, she's fallen over 3 times. I've not even been in the room, just heard a crash bang and then 'I'm ok'. It's fucking unbelievable, she walks from work to the train station, I bet she falls twice a month.

 

(This is not an attempt to create an alibi)

 

I'm then hoovering the stairs, she thought she'd lost a gift card so was annoyed. So when she finds it she thinks it's a good idea to come up behind me and shout 'IVE FOUND IT' so fucking loud I nearly fall down the stairs.

 

Our house is like watching the two burglars from Home Alone.

The wet bandits.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

The wet bandits.

Sounds dirty when you hear it as an adult.

[Rico1304]

She's just come home with a kettle bell, she'll be in a wheelchair by Friday.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

She'll not even get to use the kettle bell then.

[littletedwest]

She text me asking was I planning to split up with her. I rang and asked why and she said it's because I've started to wear pyjama bottoms in bed. That's because it's winter and my balls are cold

[Furmedge]

She text me asking was I planning to split up with her. I rang and asked why and she said it's because I've started to wear pyjama bottoms in bed. That's because it's winter and my balls are cold

 

She probably read it in Cosmo.  "Your man is a dirty lying bastard because he wears PJ's.  Buy our magazine to find out why!"

[lifetime fan]

We went out for a meal last night with an old mate of mine and his new bird.

 

Chris and I were knocking them back and the birds were trying to keep up when they got a bit loosed lipped and the topic turned to sex, how often in new relationships and the reality when it all settles down.

 

Tegan started saying how when we were first together she'd leave a key outside if I was on earlies so I could go round and get a couple of hours sleep before she came home as she wanted to be serviced all night.

 

Chris' bird then said - I used to give him blow jobs, but he's let me move in now.

 

We just looked at each other and fucked off to the bar.

 

It's nothing we didn't all know but it's something else when they inadvertently let it slip straight in front of you.

 

Snakes with tits.

[Dr Nowt]

Her: Is the actor James Bolam the son or Grandson of that singer called Bolam?

Me: Who?

Her: Adam Bolam is it?

Me: Who?

Her: What's his name, maybe Marcus Bolam then?

Me: Marc Bolan?

Her: Yes.

Me: Of T. Rex?

Her: Yes.

Me: Is James Bolam the son or Grandson of Marc Bolan?

Her: Yes.

Me: He will have been born quite some time before Marc Bolan.

Her: But Mark Bolam died decades ago and James is still alive, he must be older.

 

I could carry on, but I'm going to guess there's no need.

[Sugar Ape]

Naked gun is just starting on Gold.

Me: Leslie Nielsen is older than you think In this. He must be nearly 60.

Her: Wow, really? he's probably going to die soon.

Me: He died about 5 years ago.

Her: I'm surprised I missed that. He's been in so many things.

Me: Name me one thing except this he's been in.

Her: Father of the bride.

Me: That's Steve Martin.

Her: Same thing. They've both got grey hair.

Another pearler from her. I just need to stop speaking to her. No wonder I've got high blood pressure. She's just finished watching season 2 of Fargo.

 

Her: I really enjoyed that.

 

Me: Yeah, it's good but I thought the first one was better. I liked Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman better in the first season.

 

Her: Martin Freeman wasn't in Fargo.

 

Me: He was. He's probably the main character in it.

 

Her: I can remember it perfectly. He's definitely not in it.

 

Me: * gets picture of Martin Freeman in Fargo up on my phone * Look, there he is in it.

 

Her: Oh, that Martin Freeman. I thought you meant the black one from The Shawshank Redemption.

[peter burgess]

So we're watching the start of big brother the other night and David Gest comes on

 

Mrs. " who's that"

Me. " David gest I think he's to do with the music industry in America "

Mrs. " is he gay?"

Me. " I don't think so I think he was married to Liza Minelli"

Mrs. " is Liza Minelli a fella"

 

Later on Angie Bowie comes on

 

Mrs. " who's that"

Me. " Angie Bowie she was married to David Bowie"

Mrs. " who's David Bowie"

 

If you haven't been on the Kardashians she hasn't a clue

[Em City]

So we're watching the start of big brother the other night and David Gest comes on

 

Mrs. " who's that"

Me. " David gest I think he's to do with the music industry in America "

Mrs. " is he gay?"

Me. " I don't think so I think he was married to Liza Minelli"

Mrs. " is Liza Minelli a fella"

 

Later on Angie Bowie comes on

 

Mrs. " who's that"

Me. " Angie Bowie she was married to David Bowie"

Mrs. " who's David Bowie"

 

If you haven't been on the Kardashians she hasn't a clue

 

Wow.

 

I'm still willing to bet she posted a status about him dying on Facebook, women love a bit of grief thievery.

[Vincent Vega]

My sister looking at the Brit award nominees in the paper, "Who's Jamie Kiss Kiss, never heard of him?" She was on about Jamie XX.

[VladimirIlyich]

My sister looking at the Brit award nominees in the paper, "Who's Jamie Kiss Kiss, never heard of him?" She was on about Jamie XX.

This statement means nothing to me.

[Curly]

We were watching part 1 of that paradise lost last night and that fella was testifying on why the lad's admission statement was coerced. He's looking down and reading quotes from the admission and explaining why he thought it wasn't true. My Mrs pipes up with, "why has he got those quotes on text? That seems dodgy"

 

I ask her what she's on about and she points out that you wouldn't be allowed your mobile phone on the stand and he wouldn't have been texted with the quotes anyway. I replied, with a confused expression all over my grid, "it's 1984. They didn't have mobile phones in 1984. He's reading off paper"

 

She just goes, "oh. I did wonder"

 

I missed the next 5 minutes of it as I was just staring at her, wondering what the fuck she was probably thinking now.

[Vincent Vega]

This statement means nothing to me.

Get with it grandad.

[Fowlers God]

Get with it grandad.

Nope I'm 29 and have no idea. Maybe you just need to not listen to shite

[Trumo]

So we're watching the start of big brother the other night ...

 

That bit's enough to qualify for this thread.

[Vincent Vega]

Nope I'm 29 and have no idea. Maybe you just need to not listen to shite

So you've never heard of him or anything by him but know enough for him to be considered shite?

 

Making as much sense as your typical woman there FG.

[VladimirIlyich]

So you've never heard of him or anything by him but know enough for him to be considered shite?

 

Making as much sense as your typical woman there FG.

With a name like Jamie followed by XX,I am pretty confident he is shite.

For the record,is he any good?

[Vincent Vega]

With a name like Jamie followed by XX,I am pretty confident he is shite.

For the record,is he any good?

He's a DJ from the band The XX who released an album of his own last year. The album was nominated for the Mercury Music Prize and was the favourite to win with the bookies, it was critically acclaimed. I personally think his album is superb, but realise he's not a household name. Just thought it was typical girl to think the X represented a kiss in this age where they can't send a text message or email without one.

[VladimirIlyich]

He's a DJ from the band The XX who released an album of his own last year. The album was nominated for the Mercury Music Prize and was the favourite to win with the bookies, it was critically acclaimed. I personally think his album is superb, but realise he's not a household name. Just thought it was typical girl to think the X represented a kiss in this age where they can't send a text message or email without one.

Hes a DJ? Like Jimmy Saville and DLT?

 

I was right all along.

 

DJs are not musicians,just like drummers!

[Juniper]

 

DJs are not musicians,just like drummers!

Let's not fall out here Vlad. Settle down.

[Trumo]

He's a DJ from the band The XX who released an album of his own last year. The album was nominated for the Mercury Music Prize and was the favourite to win with the bookies, it was critically acclaimed. I personally think his album is superb, but realise he's not a household name. Just thought it was typical girl to think the X represented a kiss in this age where they can't send a text message or email without one.

 

I didn't know that actually. I don't know if I've heard any of his solo stuff but I did like a few tracks that The XX did a few years ago.

[VladimirIlyich]

Let's not fall out here Vlad. Settle down.

I was waiting for somebody to bite!

It was just sarcasm relating to the Beatles and Ringo discussion we had recently.

No offence meant.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Bought a dehumidifier due to a bit of a damp issue in our house and let slip it had a "dry clothes" setting.  The theory meaning if you are in a pinch you can put it next to the maiden and it'll help your clothes a bit more quickly by pulling moister from them.

 

I came home to find it on in the kitchen, full blast in the dry clothes setting....next to the tumbledrier which was also on full blast.

 

The mind boggles.