The world of a woman.

[Barrington Womble]

My wife doesn't work. So I pay for everything.

It makes lots of sense then.

[Paulie Dangerously]

She's shown me the receipt and it looks like she's ordered the right stuff to be honest. The brackets are waiting to be picked up from the post office so unless they're made of marshmallow I'll owe her an apology

[VladimirIlyich]

She's shown me the receipt and it looks like she's ordered the right stuff to be honest. The brackets are waiting to be picked up from the post office so unless they're made of marshmallow I'll owe her an apology

Still no design plans Paulie? We are eagerly waiting.

[PestiRed]

Went shopping yesterday and after I pulled the car out of the garage, I lock it and then give her the keys as she has a handbag. Was the perfect boyfriend being patient and buying her stuff all day. Get home, ask for the keys and somehow she's lost them. Sort out the spare keys from the MiL and don't make a fuss (although there would have been a few words said if I'd lost her keys). She decides that she is going back to the out-of-town retail park to track them down. I tell her not to bother, we'll just cut some more but she insists. An hour and a half later she returns triumphant, having found them at a till in one of the shops and has brought home a bottle of wine to celebrate. Spends the evening telling me that she never forgets or loses stuff.

 

This morning I go to the garage and her car is missing. Turns out that when she stopped for wine at the local shop, she forgot she was driving and walked back, leaving the car there. Her excuse is that she was so pleased with herself for never losing anything that she forgot the car. She is getting ribbed mercilessly today

[Barrington Womble]

Talking to her yesterday she comes out with this gem:

 

Her: clocks are moving tonight

Me: yeah, but it's the good one, we get an extra hour.

Her: you might, but I'll lose an hour.

 

I couldn't quite get what she was saying and to be honest was frightened to work out how she came to the conclusion as I realised that somehow this was already my fault. In the end I had to ask.

 

Me: so how do you lose an hour when the rest of us gain one.

Her: normally the kids get up at 6.30, but they'll just wake at 5.30 instead, so they'll wake me up an hour before normal.

Me: yes, but we'll have had the same amount of sleep and might get lucky and they'll sleep later. Worst case we can have a slow start as we have the extra hour.

Her: as I say you might get an extra hour, but I'll lose one.

 

What can you say to that type of logic?

[Paulie Dangerously]

It's like the tropics in our work today.  Heating on full blast in the office because the woman who works here is freezing.

 

Maybe it's because she's been only been eating 500kcal a day and subsisting of Aloe Vera gel sachets with this daft Clean 9 diet she's doing and has come into work in flipflops??

[Trumo]

Never mind that, how's that handrail coming along?

[Paulie Dangerously]

The wood was delivered on Saturday and to my untrained eye it looks like she has ordered correctly.  I've got a big length of wood (hnngh) running between my hall and kitchen waiting for the joiner to come out tomorrow.  I'm beginning to think the bedroom diagram was a doublew bluff and she's posting on a "The Mind of a Man" thread on Netmums or something

 

"and he's telling everyone that the floor plan was real but I just wanted that wardrobe in at all costs"

"you go girlfriend!"

 

The only thing to report thus far about the handrail incident is that as the wood is that big (ooer) it means we can't close the kitchen door which apparently means that we can't put the alarm on of a night because there's a sensor in there and putting it on would be "a bit risky" whatever that means. 

[Captain Turdseye]

The only thing to report thus far about the handrail incident is that as the wood is that big (ooer) it means we can't close the kitchen door which apparently means that we can't put the alarm on of a night because there's a sensor in there and putting it on would be "a bit risky" whatever that means.

Isn't your missus French? She might have meant "a bit risqué"

 

You've missed a trick there, could have been on for some kitchen floor action with your wood. Ooer.

[Fowlers God]

Went out round a mates Saturday night to play poker. Rang a cab for 0200 and got home 10-15 mins later after the taxi did the rounds with a few mates.

 

I'd had a good drink, I was drunk but not my usual paralytic state. As I was hanging my coat up in the porch I heard the wife coming down the stairs. Here we go I thought, the bollicking comes now.

 

She thanks me for not being completely hammered and for coming home early and being thoughtful towards her feelings ect. I couldn't work out what was going on. Anyway showered and got into bed and we started talking. I asked her to check my phone go see what the time was. Well you got in at 0115 so must only be about 0145.

 

Woke up laughing my tits off when I knew I'd actually gotten away with it. Thanks for the clocks going back!!!

[Paulie Dangerously]

Isn't your missus French? She might have meant "a bit risqué"

 

You've missed a trick there, could have been on for some kitchen floor action with your wood. Ooer.

 

 

Her ma is french her dad is from Accrington. 

 

The wood jokes have been flowing thick and fast

 

"Watch you don't trip over that length of wood"

"Can't get over the size of that pole"

"Think you can get a good grip of the wood?"

 

Oh we have a laugh in our house. 

[matt1983]

Bird at work:"I don't like weight watchers, I go slimming world. You can eat whatever you like and still lose weight! How does that work?!"

 

Unless my eyes deceive me, it doesn't.

[Sugar Ape]

Went out round a mates Saturday night to play poker. Rang a cab for 0200 and got home 10-15 mins later after the taxi did the rounds with a few mates.

 

I'd had a good drink, I was drunk but not my usual paralytic state. As I was hanging my coat up in the porch I heard the wife coming down the stairs. Here we go I thought, the bollicking comes now.

 

She thanks me for not being completely hammered and for coming home early and being thoughtful towards her feelings ect. I couldn't work out what was going on. Anyway showered and got into bed and we started talking. I asked her to check my phone go see what the time was. Well you got in at 0115 so must only be about 0145.

 

Woke up laughing my tits off when I knew I'd actually gotten away with it. Thanks for the clocks going back!!!

Hang on a minute. After you come home bevied in the middle of the night you get a shower before going to bed? What. The. Fuck.

[Total Longo]

My son Matthew blitzed his 11+ exam last week, got 260 out of a possible 282, which was a brilliant result. Got the e mail in the morning and obviously told people who i work with as i'm sure me going "Yesss!!" quite loudly aroused curiosity. Anyway, i get a text off the Mrs not 5 minutes later saying "Don't tell your mum or anyone about this, as Matthew needs to be the first one to know" 

 

I thought "fair enough", and leave work early to go to his school to tell him with the Mrs. Later on she says "you didnt tell anyone did you?" and i said "yeah, a few people in work" and she flips and doesn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

 

What i don't get here is a) i had told people before she told me not to and these people don't know her, or my son and are probably never likely to.  Plus it's even less likely that any of these people are going to break the news of an unknown child's 11+ results on social media (which my lad is too young to use anyway).

 

Logic is a dirty word in our house.   

[JagSquared]

Your son sounds like a dweeb.

[Fowlers God]

Hang on a minute. After you come home bevied in the middle of the night you get a shower before going to bed? What. The. Fuck.

Always. I've got an OCD thing about showering. I do it 3-4 times a day

 

Sent from my C5303 using Tapatalk

 

 

[matt1983]

Bird at work:"I don't like weight watchers, I go slimming world. You can eat whatever you like and still lose weight! How does that work?!"

 

Unless my eyes deceive me, it doesn't.

Me: "donut?"

 

Her:"oh no, I can't"

 

Me:"I thought you were allowed to eat anything you wanted?"

 

Her:"yeah, but I need to eat fruit to counteract it".

 

Jacamo will go bust if this gets out.

[PestiRed]

Me: "donut?"

Her:"oh no, I can't"

Me:"I thought you were allowed to eat anything you wanted?"

Her:"yeah, but I need to eat fruit to counteract it".

Jacamo will go bust if this gets out.

I'm investing in fruit in case this bullshit catches on

[Total Longo]

Your son sounds like a dweeb.

 

Your face sounds like a dweeb.

[Hand Shandy]

My son Matthew blitzed his 11+ exam last week, got 260 out of a possible 282, which was a brilliant result. Got the e mail in the morning and obviously told people who i work with as i'm sure me going "Yesss!!" quite loudly aroused curiosity. Anyway, i get a text off the Mrs not 5 minutes later saying "Don't tell your mum or anyone about this, as Matthew needs to be the first one to know"

 

I thought "fair enough", and leave work early to go to his school to tell him with the Mrs. Later on she says "you didnt tell anyone did you?" and i said "yeah, a few people in work" and she flips and doesn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

 

What i don't get here is a) i had told people before she told me not to and these people don't know her, or my son and are probably never likely to. Plus it's even less likely that any of these people are going to break the news of an unknown child's 11+ results on social media (which my lad is too young to use anyway).

 

Logic is a dirty word in our house.

Anyone else waiting for b )?

 

[bigbak]

Your son sounds like a dweeb.

 

He is called Matthew.....

[Total Longo]

Anyone else waiting for b )?

The b (bracket) came up as a weird smiley face, so i destroyed it. 

[Total Longo]

He is called Matthew.....

 

Negged for name-ism.

[mattyq]

Matthew is probably the greatest name in the world

It means gift of God apparently

[Bob]

I'm investing in fruit in case this bullshit catches on

I can do you a good price on orange juice futures, if that counts.