Times when you don't feel very bright at all.

[Mook]

I went to watch a band last night, the drummer is an old mate from back home. I was standing with one of their mates at the bar & this girl comes up to order some drinks, she had leather keks on - which I felt had to be commented on, "Fucking nice leather keks.", the boy gave me this weird as fuck look & then the girl went across to give one of the drinks to the singer who it turns out is her husband.

 

Twat.

[Bjornebye]

I went to watch a band last night, the drummer is an old mate from back home. I was standing with one of their mates at the bar & this girl comes up to order some drinks, she had leather keks on - which I felt had to be commented on, "Fucking nice leather keks.", the boy gave me this weird as fuck look & then the girl went across to give one of the drinks to the singer who it turns out is her husband.

 

Twat.

 

 

Could have been much much worse. "here girl are they wipe cleanable coz I've just jizzed all over the back of em ya wee drippy bitch" 

[Total Longo]

Spent about 15 minutes thinking the telly in our room was broke yesterday as the LED light wasnt showing when i plugged it in. I was actually going to get the toolbox out to change the fuse when i realised it was actually switched off at the on/off switch at the side of the TV.

 

In my defence the massive new one downstairs doesn't have an on/off switch, so.... 

[stringvest]

I called a gas engineer out the other week because I couldn't get the boiler to fire up, completely forgetting that that there was a fucking water/heating on off switch in the same cupboard as the hot water tank.  He just walked upstairs and flicked the switch.  £65.  

 

To be fair, I hadn't been in the house for 9 years, but still.  Worracock.

[Champ]

I paid £80 call out to a gas man this week because I couldn't get the boiler to fire up in this house I'm flogging.  Completely forgetting that there was a fucking set of controls in the cupboard next to the hot water tank.  He walked in, and identified my fuckwittery within 3 minutes. 

The sharp tang of embarrassment...

I called a gas engineer out the other week because I couldn't get the boiler to fire up, completely forgetting that that there was a fucking water/heating on off switch in the same cupboard as the hot water tank.  He just walked upstairs and flicked the switch.  £65.  

 

To be fair, I hadn't been in the house for 9 years, but still.  Worracock.

And then there's those times when you find yourself repeating the same story to the same audience

[Hand Shandy]

When you get to Stringy's age...

[Captain Turdseye]

My bird isn't in at the moment and asked me earlier if I could text her a list of some bits we need from the shop on her way home. Just text this now...

 

Bread

Milk

Squash

Carrots

Your mum

...and accidentally sent it to the mum of a kid from preschool that's coming round for a play date with my daughter tomorrow. Fuck sake.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Just say you wanted yum yum noodles and predictive text screwed you over. 

[Captain Turdseye]

She just text back and said she's sorry but her mum's unavailable. My bird has said nothing of the sort so I could well be in there instead.

[Mook]

I went out for a nice meal with the missus on Saturday night & ordered the lime & chilli prawn starter, it came in a bowl but I thought nothing of it & started tucking in with the designated 'starter' knife & fork, went on like that for about 4 minutes before she piped up, "You do realise there's a soup spoon under the bowl there?".

[Trumo]

I went out for a nice meal with the missus on Saturday night & ordered the lime & chilli prawn starter, it came in a bowl but I thought nothing of it & started tucking in with the designated 'starter' knife & fork, went on like that for about 4 minutes before she piped up, "Why did you shove the soup spoon up your arse sideways?"

.

[Guest]

I went out for a nice meal with the missus on Saturday night & ordered the lime & chilli prawn starter, it came in a bowl but I thought nothing of it & started tucking in with the designated 'starter' knife & fork, went on like that for about 4 minutes before she piped up, "You do realise there's a soup spoon under the bowl there?".

This belongs in a thread called 'The world of a man'.

 

Edit: haha there is a thread called 'The world of a man'. Perhaps this post belongs there too!!

[Section_31]

I've always had a thing for beef jerky and used to open the packet and sprinkle the little sachet of pepper on it before chowing down, only to discover recently that it's actually oxygen absorber and the packet clearly states "do not eat". I was doing this for years. Explains a lot.

[Trumo]

33 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

I've always had a thing for beef jerky and used to open the packet and sprinkle the little sachet of pepper on it before chowing down, only to discover recently that it's actually oxygen absorber and the packet clearly states "do not eat". I was doing this for years. Explains a lot.

 

Did you do the chant beforehand?

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I went for a Covid test this morning.  (Just the lateral flow test for people with no symptoms.) They gave me a swab and told me what to do: rub it for 10 seconds on each tonsil (fighting the gag reflex) then rub it for 5 seconds about 2.5 cm up your nose (fighting the sneeze reflex). I was a brave little soldier and I proudly handed my swab over (hoping they might give me a lollipop or a sticker) only for them to say "you used the wrong end.  Do it again, but this time don't shove the handle up your nose."

[Stouffer]

Can't remember if I've posted this before but Mrs Stouffer thought you pronounced the word "banal" as if it rhymed with "anal".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

On 30/03/2015 at 12:07, Mook said:

 

I don't usually wear a tie when I have sex 

Casual sex?

 

[Edit]

Made a shit pun, then realised that Stringy had posted the same thing 6 years ago. 

[VladimirIlyich]

6 hours ago, AngryofTuebrook said:

Casual sex?

 

[Edit]

Made a shit pun, then realised that Stringy had posted the same thing 6 years ago. 

Thats like 10 minutes to the old fella.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

17 hours ago, Stouffer said:

Can't remember if I've posted this before but Mrs Stouffer thought you pronounced the word "banal" as if it rhymed with "anal".

Mrs stouff said to

mr stouff

that sex had become somewhat banal

mr stouff said to Mrs stouff then perhaps they should try blank

[Bobby Hundreds]

Everyday. Every fucking day. My missus is smart, I'm not.

 

Occasionally we watch countdown she solves all this shit super quick in her head and shouts it out before I've realised it's not in Chinese. 

[Section_31]

18 hours ago, Stouffer said:

Can't remember if I've posted this before but Mrs Stouffer thought you pronounced the word "banal" as if it rhymed with "anal".

I used to pronounce hyperbole like "hyper-bowl", like it was a game from the Running Man.

[Bruce Spanner]

14 minutes ago, Section_31 said:

I used to pronounce hyperbole like "hyper-bowl", like it was a game from the Running Man.

 

I did exactely the same thing, also pronounced ennui 'enyoueye' until someone corrected me years after I'd first started using the word.

 

Guess that's the problem of being raised on second hand books. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I saw something a while back saying that you shouldn't laugh at people who mispronounce words, because they learned that word through reading. 

 

Reading is good. 

[YorkshireRed]

Once went for a swim off a beach in France. The waters were choppy but I’m a pretty strong swimmer so didn’t think much of it.

It was only when I felt myself getting pulled out to sea that I became aware that I was the only person in the water.

 

Eventually I did manage to fight my way back to the shore, although I landed some way down the beach from where I’d entered the water. I think if I’d have been a weaker swimmer my outcome would have been different, it was that bad.

 

Despite legs of jelly and near exhaustion, I made my way back along the beach, past all the now blindingly obvious red flags (no lifeguards as it was early season and not really that kind of beach) to where the wife and kids were sitting. Expecting a tearful reunion, I was somewhat perturbed to find that they had been oblivious to my predicament. 
 

The wife suspected I was exaggerating when I told my tale of woe until we found out later that the red flags where there because someone had drowned in similar conditions a few weeks earlier. There were also large signs in the car park (English and French) but managed to miss them as well. 

 

I’m a right thick cunt sometimes. I have loads of these. 

[Stouffer]

I've locked myself out of a hotel room whilst in the nip. Awful that.