Times when you don't feel very bright at all.

[Razoray]

A lad in our work decided earlier that he was bored and he was going to clean the inside of the office windows. He went away and came back a minute later with a bottle of metal cleaner and a scouring pad. I protested but not too much if you know what I mean. I had to go over to another building and when I came back 45 minutes later he had his sleeves rolled up, was sweating buckets and was still furiously scrubbing away at the first window. It's absolutely fucked, you can barely see out of it due to all the scratches. My laughter is just subsiding now half an hour later and he's outside in his car on the verge of tears.

Pissing myself here. I've seen where you work. That Nurse Ratched is a tough lady.

[Trumo]

This applies to our postman. Got home just now and the only letter is from Vision Express, and printed on the envelope are the words "Your next Eye Test is now due." The letter is addressed to my next door neighbour.

[lifetime fan]

Once I shared a flat in Camden with a lovely landlady. She used to come into my room occasionally and tidy up which I didn't mind too much, but I always had the man fear that she might discover my stash of porn.

 

Then one day I received a call from her while at work

 

Her: "Hi..... you might want to come back because we've been burgled. Your room is a bit of a mess and the police will be here soon"

Me: "oh ****, ok"

Her: "He seems to have been through your drawers cause there is stuff all over the place. Do you want me to tidy it up?"

Me: "errr......... is there anything there that......" .....bit embarrassed

Her: "..you mean something you don't want the police to see?"

Me: "...yeah..." thankful to be on the phone cause I'm going red

Her: "you mean drugs?"

Me: Am a bit stumped, but she is a nice lady and I don't want to embarrass her, so even though I haven't got any substances I answer "erm..... well yes"

Her: "No, I couldn't see anything like that. Maybe he took it"

Me: "Ok thanks"

Her: "I've hidden your porn though"

 

 

Brilliant.

[Trumo]

Having some Kung Pao chicken and not having ice cream afterwards. My arse is singing Johnny Cash tunes at the minute.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Into my third bottle of beer after buying a 20 bottle crate which was on half price offer. Thought to myself "This tastes a bit fucking shit compared to usual, better check the sell by date on the bottle." Fucking alcohol free!!!!!!!! Also a bank holiday tomorrow over here so i'll have to bite the bullet and pay over the odds to buy beer from the Kurdish corner shop next to ours. 

[Remmie]

I once arrived late at a rugby social night and said that I needed to catch up.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

Got a new Visa card a few weeks back, also have a new shredder with credit card shredding function which being a sad cunt I was excited to use, so being a fuckwit I stuck the brand new card through instead of the old one in my wallet.

 

Called the bank to order a new card and of course the phone monkey couldn't hear what I was saying so I had to repeat 3 times that I had inadvertently shredded the new card instead of the old one.

[Evelyn Tentions]

Got a new Visa card a few weeks back, also have a new shredder with credit card shredding function which being a sad cunt I was excited to use, so being a fuckwit I stuck the brand new card through instead of the old one in my wallet.

 

Called the bank to order a new card and of course the phone monkey couldn't hear what I was saying so I had to repeat 3 times that I had inadvertently shredded the new card instead of the old one.

The recording of that is probably now doing the rounds of the call centre.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

The recording of that is probably now doing the rounds of the call centre.

I'm fairly certain she put me on loud speaker the first time she asked me to repeat myself, to be fair I'd have done the same if I'd have had a daft cunt on the line.

[KMD7]

I came back from the loo at work yesterday and sat at a desk at a different quadrant to my own.  Was there for a few seconds before I realised my mistake and got up sheepishly and skulked back to my own desk.  I don't think anyone noticed.

[s(k)aturation]

From the moment I had kids.

[stringvest]

I paid £80 call out to a gas man this week because I couldn't get the boiler to fire up in this house I'm flogging.  Completely forgetting that there was a fucking set of controls in the cupboard next to the hot water tank.  He walked in, and identified my fuckwittery within 3 minutes. 

The sharp tang of embarrassment...

[s(k)aturation]

I paid £80 call out to a gas man this week because I couldn't get the boiler to fire up in this house I'm flogging.  Completely forgetting that there was a fucking set of controls in the cupboard next to the hot water tank.  He walked in, and identified my fuckwittery within 3 minutes. 

The sharp tang of embarrassment...

 

 

A trap for not-so-young players.

[Scottish Steve]

At university at the end of final year ball. I lived on campus & during the evening i took this girl back to my room. We fiddled around for a bit, I had her down to her g-string but after a fashion it was decided that as this was the last ever ball we should return to the fray. I was a bit irritated & on the way back to the marquee had a drunken strop & we parted. It was about 10ish. I ended up getting more pished & pretty much forgot what had happened earlier with this girl. About 5.30am I decide i''m fucked & stumble back to my room. Remembering what had gone on a few hours earlier I have the mother of wanks. I then quickly check my phone to set the alarm & see that she'd texted & left a voicemail at 3am bemoaning the fact she couldnt find me & that she hoped I wasn't pulling someone else. She's long gone i thought & texted back to say i was all on my lonesome in bed & that she was free to come & check if she didnt believe me. Seconds later I heard a taxi jam its breaks on. My hall was on the slip road out of the place & it just so happened she got my text as her taxi was heading back. She phoned & I heard her bidding her mates good nite before telling me she was on her way. Literally 1 minute after rubbing one out she entered my room, stripped off & clambered on top. I had nothing. She ground away with a perplexed look on her face while I wanted the ground to open up. If only I'd checked my phone first...

[VladimirIlyich]

At university at the end of final year ball. I lived on campus & during the evening i took this girl back to my room. We fiddled around for a bit, I had her down to her g-string but after a fashion it was decided that as this was the last ever ball we should return to the fray. I was a bit irritated & on the way back to the marquee had a drunken strop & we parted. It was about 10ish. I ended up getting more pished & pretty much forgot what had happened earlier with this girl. About 5.30am I decide i''m fucked & stumble back to my room. Remembering what had gone on a few hours earlier I have the mother of wanks. I then quickly check my phone to set the alarm & see that she'd texted & left a voicemail at 3am bemoaning the fact she couldnt find me & that she hoped I wasn't pulling someone else. She's long gone i thought & texted back to say i was all on my lonesome in bed & that she was free to come & check if she didnt believe me. Seconds later I heard a taxi jam its breaks on. My hall was on the slip road out of the place & it just so happened she got my text as her taxi was heading back. She phoned & I heard her bidding her mates good nite before telling me she was on her way. Literally 1 minute after rubbing one out she entered my room, stripped off & clambered on top. I had nothing. She ground away with a perplexed look on her face while I wanted the ground to open up. If only I'd checked my phone first...

Brilliant. Not at the time though.

[Mook]

I sent an e-mail taking the piss out of a stupid question my boss asked someone this morning, to my boss.

 

I fucking hate myself today.

 

If she decides to get IT to dig out all my piss taking e-mails I send to the boy we work with, I'm in serious shit.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Tell her she's a fat auld bastard-faced troll and you hate her guts.

 

Then the emails won't be as much of a shock.

[Kevin D]

I sent an e-mail taking the piss out of a stupid question my boss asked someone this morning, to my boss.

 

I fucking hate myself today.

 

If she decides to get IT to dig out all my piss taking e-mails I send to the boy we work with, I'm in serious shit.

Never leave a paper trail.

 

Didn't they teach you anything in school?

[Mook]

Never leave a paper trail.

 

Didn't they teach you anything in school?

 

I delete them all as soon as they're sent or received but IT can dig old deleted items out no problem, as I've found to my cost in other jobs.

[General Dryness]

If she sees that Fraggle Rock picture you always compare her to, I can see her going down the serious assault route.

 

Is your life insurance up to date fella?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

In work I'd occasionally browse TLW/facebook on my phone, or work PC (depending on the content in the threads) and also similarly I would listen to music sometimes on my phone, and sometimes on my work PC.

 

Sometimes I am listening to music on the PC and happen to pick up my phone and before I know it I'm playing a video on youtube or facebook, and wondering why I can't hear it very well. Of course I turn it up but that doesn't help. About 5-10 seconds in I realise my earphones are plugged into my work PC and that my phone is blasting the video out in the deadly-quiet office, and everyone is looking at me.

 

I do this about once a week.

[sir roger]

Went to a wedding and as I passed down the line of the top table people shaking hands I noticed a massive bruise around the best man's eye. I wittily quipped to the bride & groom that I was sorry I had got there late and obviously missed the fight. They didn't laugh so I assumed they had missed my Wildean wit so repeated myself. The groom leant forward and hissed in my ear that his brother had a birthmark & to shut the fuck up.

[lifetime fan]

Went to a wedding and as I passed down the line of the top table people shaking hands I noticed a massive bruise around the best man's eye. I wittily quipped to the bride & groom that I was sorry I had got there late and obviously missed the fight. They didn't laugh so I assumed they had missed my Wildean wit so repeated myself. The groom leant forward and hissed in my ear that his brother had a birthmark & to shut the fuck up.

Brilliant.

[General Dryness]

Went to a wedding and as I passed down the line of the top table people shaking hands I noticed a massive bruise around the best man's eye. I wittily quipped to the bride & groom that I was sorry I had got there late and obviously missed the fight. They didn't laugh so I assumed they had missed my Wildean wit so repeated myself. The groom leant forward and hissed in my ear that his brother had a birthmark & to shut the fuck up.

 

To which they only valid reply would be "aye aye".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

My niece just posted this on Facebook.

 

"I forgot to tell my fitbit that I'd stopped riding my bike and got on the train. My top speed today has been 60mph. I don't think I can top that tomorrow."