Am I a cunt?

[Pidge]

We have 2 blokes that look very similar at work, one has only his right arm, the other has only his left arm. I was always getting them mixed up and in the end just decided to run away whenever I saw either of them.

 

Easily solved, whenever you see one, offer up a high five...

[Tony Moanero]

John's Not Mad was boss. I didn't really know what Tourette's was until I watched the original documentary (1989) aged 11. I knew I it was wrong to laugh but I pissed myself.

[Dr Nowt]

We have 2 blokes that look very similar at work, one has only his right arm, the other has only his left arm. I was always getting them mixed up and in the end just decided to run away whenever I saw either of them.

 

Life's cruel, eh.  Wouldn't even give them an advantage in the 3-legged race. 

 

Obviously they could just swap sides, and I'm a thick cunt as well as a cruel one, but still.

[Tony Moanero]

"(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight" is one of my all-time favourite songs. GF, am I a cunt.

[kidney]

There was a guy in our office who had a stammer, we deliberately let phone ring til he had to answer. shower of cunts methinks!!

[Hooch]

Quite freakish the amount of people with missing arms folks in here have come across.

[cloggypop]

I used to work with a bloke with one arm who got sacked for robbing so we called him the one armed bandit.

 

His real name was Rocky.

[Strontium]

In first year of university, my minor was geography. One of the mature students on the geography course was this enormous fat lady. I didn't know her at all, but you couldn't really miss her. Anyway, the main auditorium for geography had rows of seating, a bit like the ones you get in a cinema. This lady sat on the end seat near the aisle a few rows in front of me, and about a minute later it just collapsed under her, the metal literally buckled under the weight. This poor woman obviously looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up (and if she stood still long enough it probably would have), meanwhile I almost swallowed my tongue trying to contain my laughter.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Quite freakish the amount of people with missing arms folks in here have come across.

 

very fuckign weird.

 

and no one has mentioned the wanking difficulties

[littletedwest]

Aye, I believe he may have called her a slag as well.

 

The therapy one is outstanding. 

 

"Picture in your mind a beautiful green field."

 

"I'm up to ma knees in fucking cow pat."

 

"Arthur Daley...is a japseye."

 

What I find fascinating is how in one of them they follow John out to a quiet spot to fish, and his Tourettes disappears.  It's like an allergy to humans.

Aye, I believe he may have called her a slag as well.

 

The therapy one is outstanding. 

 

"Picture in your mind a beautiful green field."

 

"I'm up to ma knees in fucking cow pat."

 

"Arthur Daley...is a japseye."

 

What I find fascinating is how in one of them they follow John out to a quiet spot to fish, and his Tourettes disappears.  It's like an allergy to humans.

it's ace the randomness of mentioning Arthur Daley.

[Rico1304]

Oh I've just cringed...

 

During one of my brief stays at uni there was a girl who was very disabled and confined to a wheelchair. She was very small, about the size of a bucket, so we called her Bucket. As she was so disabled her chair used to raise and lower her and even extend out. One day my mate Adam saw her raise her chair then extend out to press a button on a lift. He shouted 'fucking hell, Bucket's like James Bond' all in a Geordie accent. We were. Dying laughing. Bad, bad people.

[Bjornebye]

In first year of university, my minor was geography. One of the mature students on the geography course was this enormous fat lady. I didn't know her at all, but you couldn't really miss her. Anyway, the main auditorium for geography had rows of seating, a bit like the ones you get in a cinema. This lady sat on the end seat near the aisle a few rows in front of me, and about a minute later it just collapsed under her, the metal literally buckled under the weight. This poor woman obviously looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up (and if she stood still long enough it probably would have), meanwhile I almost swallowed my tongue trying to contain my laughter.

Worked in a big open plan call centre office years back, new girl started her first day on the sales floor. Bit of a short arse tubby girl. Anyway she goes to sit down and mis-judged it and ended up pushing the chair out the way with her arse and just stacking it onto the floor. It sounded like a bomb had gone off on the floor below. Everyone just looked straight over. Now im a cunt but even I had the decency to hide my face behind my computer screen while crying my eyes out. Not the sales lads behind her, they all started howling. She left and was never seen again.

[Bob]

Worked in a big open plan call centre office years back, new girl started her first day on the sales floor. Bit of a short arse tubby girl. Anyway she goes to sit down and mis-judged it and ended up pushing the chair out the way with her arse and just stacking it onto the floor. It sounded like a bomb had gone off on the floor below. Everyone just looked straight over. Now im a cunt but even I had the decency to hide my face behind my computer screen while crying my eyes out. Not the sales lads behind her, they all started howling. She left and was never seen again.

I either do that, or stop myself a fraction short of doing that, about 6-8 times per year

[Creator Supreme]

:) :D

 

I am struggling to breath, yours sincerely A Cunt

[Furmedge]

Another missing limb story. We were on a stag do in Portugal and were all bladdered in the pub. Next thing some fella with no arms comes in and orders some chips and a drink and just sits there eating and drinking using his feet for hands. Drunken, were all amazed by this and then one of the lads turns to us and in his most concerned voice says, "he'll never feel the pleasure of wearing a rucksack." Which creased us all to the point where the armless chap offered us out using his feet to point to the street where he was going to kick us to death.

 

[Lee909]

Bunch of yellow bellied cowards didn't take him up on his offer

 

[Dr Nowt]

Trawling Amsterdam in the dead of night once, was being served food in this little kiosk by a canal, actually being handed it and paying, when a tiny guy in a wheelchair roared up, barged me out the way and started barking his order at the confused looking server.

 

Said to him he should mind his turn, paid up and walked off with my food. He was obviously angry all ready, but this put the tin lid on it, so he was screaming at me while he completed his order. Next minute he was after us in hot pursuit with a really determined looked on his face.

 

My mate and I never even discussed what to do next, we looked at each other and instinctively both knew. As we were on a hump back canal bridge we just sped up so we went over the brow, and stood there hoping he couldn't make it. He got most of the way up, then just slowed to a stop at the peak and rolled back down towards the kiosk, spent.

 

I must admit that bit of it, and then when we both realised we'd had exactly the same thought, and why, did make me curl up.

[Trumo]

Quite freakish the amount of people with missing arms folks in here have come across.

 

Equal Opportunities is alive and well.

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

Was in tears the first time I saw this, I know it makes me a cunt.

 

Romanian punks spin elderly woman for fun:

[YouTube]

[/YouTube]

Click the link of the story of the boy decking his grandma, and look at the toy he demanded she buy him. That boy is a litlle cunt, by the way.

[JagSquared]

When I was at university we had a bloke we named Dexter who was absolutely terrified of doors. He would walk up and size it up before running away a minimum of 2-3 times before he would just charge at it. Often getting caught. We used to piss ourselves watching and if we're were ever bored used to sit at a safe distance and place bets on how many attempts he would need to take.

 

The poor fucker must have had something terrible happen to him to make him this way.

 

He once got trapped in automatic revolving door as it was too quick (relatively) and he was too hesitant to escape. He must have gone around 5 times.

 

Funniest thing ever was sitting in a car watching him leave a building walk up to his car and seeing him slam the door before running away in the pissing rain he circled the car opened the door and dived in head first before calmly driving away. We actually followed him home that's how big cunts we were, adding paranoia to his mental issues.

 

Actually laughing just thinking about him.

[Carvalho Diablo]

I used to work with a bloke with one arm who got sacked for robbing so we called him the one armed bandit.

 

His real name was Rocky.

 

Rocky One-Arm ?

 

Nah, don't know him.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Another missing limb story. We were on a stag do in Portugal and were all bladdered in the pub. Next thing some fella with no arms comes in and orders some chips and a drink and just sits there eating and drinking using his feet for hands. Drunken, were all amazed by this and then one of the lads turns to us and in his most concerned voice says, "he'll never feel the pleasure of wearing a rucksack." Which creased us all to the point where the armless chap offered us out using his feet to point to the street where he was going to kick us to death.

 

Sig worthy.

[Dr Arthur De Sabre]

John's Not Mad was boss. I didn't really know what Tourette's was until I watched the original documentary (1989) aged 11. I knew I it was wrong to laugh but I pissed myself.

1978?? Fuck me mate, I thought you were a fucking war baby going on some of your posts.

[Tony Moanero]

1978?? Fuck me mate, I thought you were a fucking war baby going on some of your posts.

Hahahaha. I guess my posts often reflect the fact I'm a moody cunt, as I'm definitely not an old before my time kind of fella. However, my other half reckons I should have been born 20 years earlier, such is my dislike of most things 21st Century.

[Dr Nowt]

I'm older than Tony. 

 

* Stares into the middle distance for a long, long time *