One night stands

[Strontium]

More Coxmen here than at Henley Regatta.

 

The accounts of swordplay would make Erroll Flynn blush.

More bullshit than the Augean stables too, mind.

[Adebisi]

Theres your mistake. Should have gone with pasta bolognese, thats what I did. Whack up the cheapest Asda mince, pasta and bolognese sauce in a pan, bosh, couple of days meals right there for next to fuck all.

 

The cheap cider stayed though. Probably why I didn't have many one night stands at college. I was always pissed on cheap cider. Nearly had a threesome with my mate and his missus after a game of truth or dare got frisky, but it didn't happen. Because I was pissed on cheap cider. Got to see her fanny though, which was nice.

Sounds like you had the right idea chief. Before I moved to uni I was a healthy eater, 5 a day everyday without fail, then the daily drinking and ganja smoking started and it was takeaways and frozen food. Still struggling to get back to my old eating habits even though I've quit the smoking and only drink once a week. 

 

Of course when I do drink I'm still partial to the cheap cider. If the intention is getting mashed, a 3 litre is always good, that or a 3.95 bottle of rose. Both will get you well on your way to mashed for next to nothing. Frostie Jacks and black was the house drink for about 6 months. The black dumps the next day were never pretty though and in the end the smell from the frosties alone would make me retch. 

[Fowlers God]

Sounds like you had the right idea chief. Before I moved to uni I was a healthy eater, 5 a day everyday without fail, then the daily drinking and ganja smoking started and it was takeaways and frozen food. Still struggling to get back to my old eating habits even though I've quit the smoking and only drink once a week.

 

Of course when I do drink I'm still partial to the cheap cider. If the intention is getting mashed, a 3 litre is always good, that or a 3.95 bottle of rose. Both will get you well on your way to mashed for next to nothing. Frostie Jacks and black was the house drink for about 6 months. The black dumps the next day were never pretty though and in the end the smell from the frosties alone would make me retch.

Maybe I'm not with the times, but that all sounds very homosexual.

[General Dryness]

Maybe I'm not with the times, but that all sounds very homosexual.

 

Eating shit food, getting hammered and smoking weed.

 

Yeah, gay as fuck that. Could be worse, he might be religious too.

[littletedwest]

fucking wish I wasn't ugly so I had some one night stand stories to share.

 

I did once shag a bird in toilets of a club bouncer caught us

 

" have you got a girl in there?"

 

"no"

 

"I can see four feet"

 

" I have two sets of legs"

 

" get out you wanker before I throw you out"

[General Dryness]

fucking wish I wasn't ugly so I had some one night stand stories to share.

 

I did once shag a bird in toilets of a club bouncer caught us

 

" have you got a girl in there?"

 

"no"

 

"I can see four feet"

 

" I have two sets of legs"

 

" get out you wanker before I throw you out"

 

"You're seeing quadruple mate, I've only got 12 inches."

[littletedwest]

that's a better line pal!

[Fowlers God]

Eating shit food, getting hammered and smoking weed.

 

Yeah, gay as fuck that. Could be worse, he might be religious too.

I meant the drinks and I wasn't meaning to be personal, was just jesting.

[General Dryness]

I meant the drinks and I wasn't meaning to be personal, was just jesting.

 

Thats what threw me, you don't normally do humour.

[Adebisi]

Had my most weirdest one yet on Wednesday. Real nice girl, arty type living it up down in Shoreditch. Started out with some standard slapping and choking but then she started telling me to hit her 'for real' which I wouldn't do so she started calling me a pussy, pulled my hair and bit my lip really, really hard, both of which really, really hurt. 

'Alright, you've got a wild one here but she was nice enough before the tequilas so let's just get his other with and hope she falls asleep and fucks off sharp-ish in the morning' I thought. She then took her fingers and put them in my mouth and told me to suck them, if I knew she was going to attempt to stick them up my bottom I probably wouldn't have bothered.. Thankfully (I think) she couldn't quite reach because I'm a big lanky bugger. Anyway, that wasn't even the weird bit. The real depravity began when she told me to spit on her..

Errrr.. what?
Spit on me.
erm.. why? Like.. really?
Yes just spit on me. Go on. 
...
Please! I love it. 
- I reluctantly spit on her like I had a hair in my mouth or something - 
NO! Properly! Spit on me like I'm disgusting. Go on..goonnnfuckingspitonme!

So I did. Then she requested I did it again on her tits and I did. She was definitely loving it. A little bit later I finished up and we said out goodnights. I couldn't sleep and she seemed to be doing everything in her power to stop me from doing so and after about half an hour she asks if I'm awake. I didn't reply so she asked louder.. This time I replied hoping she just wanted a glass of water or something, instead she asked if I wanted to go again and starting playing with my cock and bollocks with her hands and mouth. So we went again and this time there was no funny business and it was actually quite nice. 

When we woke up there was no real awkwardness, she was back to sweet girl I met 12 hours earlier. She asked for a tea and if she could have a bath and once all that was over she told me she was going to send me a picture, apologised for the bloodied lip and that if I was ever down in London we should hang. Shortly after she left I gathered some things and got the next train back to my mama's house, half due to the fear that she'd call me looking for another go (she's up here until Sunday) and also because I felt seedy and needed to shower for 6 hours. I'm still here, phone in airplane mode. 

[Trumo]

...Started out with some standard slapping and choking...

 

I think this bit needs some clarification.

[Sugar Ape]

I've had wanks that were more depraved than that. Enjoy it and meet her again.

[Dr Nowt]

When I was 18 I stacked shelves through the night at a supermarket, house sharing with an older fella who worked there and was something of a caveman.

 

A married woman with 3 kids started working on our twilight shift, and he thought she was worth nailing.  Not for me at all, good bit older than him again, little to her and seemed a real straight head.  Became a bit of a recurring joke between us, whenever out having a drink he'd invariably bring her up, and we finished up having a first ten pints of a night out bet that he couldn't snare her.  She couldn't have seemed less the type, so it felt like an easy way to get a free night's booze when such things were not so much a priority as oxygen.

 

One night the lot of us from work went out and despite me thinking he was taking the piss when he said she was coming, she duly arrived.  Don't remember too much else as I was mindlessly pissed to the point I was spewing up in an alley round the side of the pub, but I kind of remember the three of us grabbing a taxi back to ours, sitting downstairs talking for a bit with the room spinning and then the curtains came down.

 

Next thing I can remember is someone kicking on my bedroom door repeatedly.  When I woke up and opened it, there he stood with the smuggest, red-eyed leer I think I've ever seen.  All he said was "You owe me ten fucking pints", and when I told him he was bullshitting and to prove it, replied "Do you want to sniff my cock?" with such delight I knew immediately I'd be shelling out for drinks the following night.  Which I did.  Her husband gave our house and the store abusive calls for months.

 

"Do you want to sniff my cock?" is a phrase I used for many, many years after that.  I didn't, by the way.

[Trumo]

I didn't, by the way.

 

Didn't want to sniff his cock, or didn't sniff his cock?

[Alan Sex]

Didn't want to sniff his cock, or didn't sniff his cock?

I'm sure he didn't sniff it. That's disgusting.

 

He just left out the part where he gave it a taste test instead.

[lifetime fan]

I've had wanks that were more depraved than that. Enjoy it and meet her again.

I was expecting worse too.

[Dr Nowt]

Didn't want to sniff his cock, or didn't sniff his cock?

 

I'm sure he didn't sniff it. That's disgusting.

 

He just left out the part where he gave it a taste test instead.

 

Smelt just like my fresh breath spray. 

[Trumo]

Smelt just like my fresh breath spray. 

 

[Dr Nowt]

 

I did tell you my real name is P. Beaker, didn't I?  Big on Mumsnet, apparently.

[Sugar Ape]

On 3/1/2008 at 7:28 PM, sir roger said:

Long time ago before I was married me & a mate copped off with 2 girls from Widnes & ended up getting a cab back to one of their houses ( after a discussion about the gains involved versus the cab fare involved ). Once settled , my mate went upstairs with his girl & I got involved on the downstairs couch with mine.

 

About 2 hours later I was awoken from a doze ( after a massively impressive performance obviously ) by my mate looking a bit shaken & saying we needed to get off.

 

As we cleared off he let me know the problem. He said they laid down on the bed & everything had being going fine & then the girl had then stood up by the side of the bed & started a striptease. He sat back for the performance as the shoes came off , the blouse came off , the bra came off , the trousers came off , a bit of fumbling and then her right leg came off.

 

He hadn't a clue what to do & she hadn't mentioned having a prosthetic limb. She gets back on the bed as if it was the most usual thing in the world. He'd lost the urge but not wanting her to think he was a bastard , he did the dirty deed & then again before she had finally fallen asleep.

 

We got a cab & he sat almost catatonic in the back , his only utterance being

' I thought she was a shit dancer '.

 

To add insult to injury our pooled money only got us to town & we had to walk to Walton & Croxteth respectively.

[lifetime fan]

I was thinking with my cock for a spell over Christmas and was shagging a single mum I really should have ran from the first time I met her for a drink. 

 

I turned up at hers one night off my face as it was cheaper than a taxi back to mine and I fancied a shag. 

 

My memory goes completely from when I was in the taxi...

 

Waking up the next morning with a stinking hangover I could tell she was in a piss with me so started to quickly get dressed and made my excuses. 

 

It was at this point she told me I’d let myself in with her spare key, demanded a blow job and then said I wanted her to squirt over my face. 

 

Apparently she said it felt different when when I was going down on her but still nice all the same. 

 

It wasnt until after a few minutes she realised I’d passed out and was snoring on her clit. 

[lifetime fan]

.

[Oh Buoy]

Poor Tony's probably traumatised. 

[Josef Svejk]

1 hour ago, lifetime fan said:

I was thinking with my cock for a spell over Christmas and was shagging a single mum I really should have ran from the first time I met her for a drink. 

 

I turned up at hers one night off my face as it was cheaper than a taxi back to mine and I fancied a shag. 

 

My memory goes completely from when I was in the taxi...

 

Waking up the next morning with a stinking hangover I could tell she was in a piss with me so started to quickly get dressed and made my excuses. 

 

It was at this point she told me I’d let myself in with her spare key, demanded a blow job and then said I wanted her to squirt over my face. 

 

Apparently she said it felt different when when I was going down on her but still nice all the same. 

 

It wasnt until after a few minutes she realised I’d passed out and was snoring on her clit. 

[Scott_M]