Favourite one liners/insults...

[Elite]

You cherrub looking motherfucker.

[Special K]

The jerk store called, they're running out of you

[Bjornebye]

Your not so bad yourself conk face, where are you two from? Nose city?

[Lee909]

One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

Fuck you, you carwash cunt.

That is a total classic, actually.

 

[Elite]

If he fell into a barrel full of tits he'd come out sucking his own thumb.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

An old TLW classic - bellwhiff.

[Champ]

Describing not the most exciting person in world as 'a big long drink of water.'

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Describing not the most exciting person in world as 'a big long drink of water.'

I love that kind of euphemistic understatement.  I occasionally describe people as "not conventionally pretty/handsome".

[razor]

Aye, euphemisms.  Anyone whose name is prefaced with the word "Big".

 

"You know him, Big Andy from Belle Vale." / "Big Bri said...."

[Stu Monty]

Next time someone offers you a penny for your thoughts take it; you'll be robbing them blind.

[index1000]

Brian's mum to the 3 wise men at the start of The Life of Brian

 

'What are you doing, creeping round a cow shed at 3 O'clock in the morning? Doesn't sound very wise to me' 

[Paul]

Face like a smacked arse.

[Mike D]

face like a blistered piss pot

[Anubis]

A face for radio.

[Dr Nowt]

I love that kind of euphemistic understatement. I occasionally describe people as "not conventionally pretty/handsome".

A little while ago I read 'The Last Great Fight', about Tyson v Douglas. Describing one of Tyson's team back then, it offers up "Rather, he was something of an outcast, dangerously overweight at more than 385 pounds, with a fifty-six-inch waist and a fondness for spending time in the kitchen."

 

Perhaps the most neatly understated description of a greedy bastard I've ever known.

[Dr Nowt]

In response to being told you're drunk, "tomorrow I'll be sober, but you'll still be ugly."

[alles ist gut]

A face for radio.

A face for radio, a voice for print, and too much of a liar to be any use at that, either. (*f related.)

[Paul]

In response to being told you're drunk, "tomorrow I'll be sober, but you'll still be ugly."

Wasn't that Churchill?

[Lee909]

Yes

[Spy Bee]

I get up earlier in the morning just so I can hate you for longer!

[littletedwest]

You remember your first blowjob?

yes

how long did it take the guy to come?

 

courtesy of Mr Paulie walnuts

 

doesn't work as well on women

[Dr Nowt]

Wasn't that Churchill?

Certainly was. Another classic of his was asking a woman if she'd sleep with someone for x large amount of funds and she said she would. He then asked if she'd sleep with someone for x small amount of funds and she asked him what kind of woman he thought she was.

 

He told her what kind of woman she was had already been established, they were now just haggling over the price.

 

I think it was also him who when someone said "if you were my husband I'd poison your tea", replied "Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

[Dr Nowt]

Bill Hicks's is still one of the very best ever, after doing one of his routines about Jesus and being confronted.

 

"Hey buddy, we're Christian and we don't like what you said."

 

"So forgive me."

[rEddie]

I put on a few pounds and my arrogant, ugly, bald and self-absorbed boss called me "fatty" in front of my colleagues. To which I responded, "6 weeks and I can get rid of that, your hair's never coming back though you bald twat".