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VladimirIlyich

Embarassing Things You Wish You'd Never Said or Asked

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I remember once,as a kid asking my Dad,who never had a racist bone in his body,if people from Cameroon were really called Macaroons! It took me a few more years of living to realise my embarassment and why the Daily Mail is such a popular paper in this country before I realised what I'd asked.

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I reckon I was about five, maybe even younger, and I was in the living room with my grandad and mum, and I just said:

 

"Mum, when I look at the ladies in their underwear in the catalogue, my willy goes like this."

 

I remember me mum was eating a butty or something and some food fell out of her mouth, and me granddad was just sat there looking at the telly and shaking his head.

 

 

D1028_88_120_1200.jpg

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Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

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50 minutes ago, sir roger said:

Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

You should of asked him how long have you had it. 

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I had to confess to Mrs Kurtz (my 3rd wife) that the precise detail of female plumbing was a mystery to me and I had no idea where they actually peed from. She was less than impressed. 

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16 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Called the teacher “mum” 

Worse if you call her dad. 

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16 hours ago, sir roger said:

Went to the night do of a female colleagues wedding and as I went down the greeting line I noticed the best man had a black eye and said to the groom ( his brother ) 'I should have got here earlier, looks like I've missed the fight'

upon which he hissed to me ' its a fucking birthmark '

 

Not my finest hour

When I was in primary school, some girl was being annoying so I said something along the lines of "Why do you think you're all grown up wearing make up for school?"" As her eyelids were a bluish/purple tint. She started crying her eyes out and said she doesn't. Looking back it was a medical condition or something.

 

Still feel like a complete wanker about it now. Poor girl.

 

I've also done the "When's it due?" To a few women, unknowingly post-birth.

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In a pub about 20 years got chatting to this fit girl getting on great and then the residential pub bore came over, so I said to her “Is it true he is the most boring person in the world” to which she replied “he’s my brother”

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2 minutes ago, Elite said:

When I was in primary school, some girl was being annoying so I said something along the lines of "Why do you think you're all grown up wearing make up for school?"" As her eyelids were a bluish/purple tint. She started crying her eyes out and said she doesn't. Looking back it was a medical condition or something.

 

Still feel like a complete wanker about it now. Poor girl.

 

I've also done the "When's it due?" To a few women, unknowingly post-birth.

I’ve done the “when’s it due” to a single fat girl once after my mates told me she was pregnant as a “joke”. Still feel bad years later. 

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In my younger days on a couple of occasions I’ve asked clients “are you with your mum today?” only to be told, somewhat sharply, that they’re partners. I quickly learnt from it.

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6 hours ago, Colonel Kurtz said:

I had to confess to Mrs Kurtz (my 3rd wife) that the precise detail of female plumbing was a mystery to me and I had no idea where they actually peed from. She was less than impressed. 

You have three wives? 

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2 minutes ago, Fluter in Dakota said:

You have three wives? 

Well it's Colonel Kutz, he can't just have the one to take to Elevenerife every summer.

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5 minutes ago, Fluter in Dakota said:

You have three wives? 

No I have been married 3 times over the course of 35 years. Divorce is an expensive habit though so I’m trying to make this one work. 

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Pissed up one night after a meal out with family. Went to a pub to finish the night in style. After getting the drinks in ("Anything you want - on me"!), I found us a table in the main bar where some lad was murdering 'Country Roads' to a backing track on the little stage in the corner. "Ey! Karaoke! I could do that", I thought.  So I  sauntered up to the front to find the little book of songs to choose my weapon of mass entertainment ( In my head, I was going to slay the  audience with my rendition of Kenny Rogers' "Coward of The County"). Anyway, after much glancing around I couldn't find it, so I  went onstage and asked the lad (who'd just finished singing) where the little book of songs was.  He shot me with daggers and said: "This isn't karaoke, mate...". 

 

I genuinely can't for the life of me - even now- decide whether I was mortified at ruining his gig, or that it wasn't actually karaoke night. 

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13 hours ago, cochyn said:

Pissed up one night after a meal out with family. Went to a pub to finish the night in style. After getting the drinks in ("Anything you want - on me"!), I found us a table in the main bar where some lad was murdering 'Country Roads' to a backing track on the little stage in the corner. "Ey! Karaoke! I could do that", I thought.  So I  sauntered up to the front to find the little book of songs to choose my weapon of mass entertainment ( In my head, I was going to slay the  audience with my rendition of Kenny Rogers' "Coward of The County"). Anyway, after much glancing around I couldn't find it, so I  went onstage and asked the lad (who'd just finished singing) where the little book of songs was.  He shot me with daggers and said: "This isn't karaoke, mate...". 

 

I genuinely can't for the life of me - even now- decide whether I was mortified at ruining his gig, or that it wasn't actually karaoke night. 

Epic!

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On 05/10/2020 at 23:09, Tony Moanero said:

WH Smith, about 20 years ago.

 

Me: ”Hi, do you sell jazz mags?”

 

Female shop assistant: *snigger*

 

”Me: Erm, I can only find the NME and Q”

I’d have thought grumble mags would be more your thing Tone

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I nearly showed that picture that was on here, the one of someone finding a man hanging and making a swing, to this barmaid in my local. 

She found her Dad that way and someone stopped me on the  nick of time thank fuck. 

I wouldn't of forgave myself, I don't know why I was going to show her in the first place, phew 

 

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14 hours ago, Captain Howdy said:

How do you afford two divorces? Seriously. If I got divorced I would be wiped out financially, completely eviscerated.

The first one was in my 20s so we didn’t have much money anyway. The second one cost me a fortune but mostly on 10 years of monthly maintenance for the kids so money well spent. I didn’t want to be well off whilst they lived in poverty so it didn’t feel so bad. Looking back it was a lot of money though. 

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