In the doghouse...again.

[stringvest]

I am that mate.

 

haha!  I used to be that mate.  I was the scourge of mates' other halves. I was - and still am- known as Diablo in some quarters.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I bet most lads on the forum have just popped out to pick up a takeaway and disaster happens.  It's a stripe.

I occasionally get reminded of the time I was in the chippy with my brother, my nephew and my sort-of-nephew-in-law getting dinner for everyone back at the house.  They said the fish would be five minutes.  I persuaded the lads that we could grab a quick pint in the pub next door while we were waiting for the fish.

 

Didn't quite work out that way.

[Jurgens Red Army]

Think it was the 2001/2 season we were playing Newcastle away on the Sunday and it was on Sky, we didn't have Sky at the time so was going to the pub to watch it. The problem was it was the mother in laws 60th that day as well and we were all going for a meal that evening, so said to the Mrs it's ok I'll watch the match and just be on soft drinks. Got the pub and one of the lads was in there celebrating having a baby so decided I'd have a few pints with him and the others then get off after the match. The reds won 2 0 so decided to have a few more then a few more eventually it was last orders and we got kicked out staggered home to the Mrs sitting on the couch with a face like thunder calling me every name under the sun and how I'd made her look stupid in front of her family for not turning up, said it would have been worse if I turned up as I was pissed which didn't go down well. Needless to say we are divorced now.

[PestiRed]

Failed to notice for 3 days that my brunette girlfriend had gone blond. Three days of asking what was wrong and why was she acting weird?

[Fowlers God]

Got a massive Easter Sunday dinner to attend round her aunts! There will be about 15 of us. However going round my mate's to watch us against Norwich at 12 first. I think I already know how it's going to end, even though my strict instructions are to arrive no later than 3!

[Barzini]

We had an anniversary dinner booked at a restaurant that she had been looking forward to going to for ages.

 

The day before our anniversary was a certain sporting event involving us and that shower of devil worshipping cunts, so my missus knows how these things go and goes out to avoid the mayhem. Anyway, I settle down to watch it on the telly and realise that I've not got any beer in. A quick check in the cupboards unearths 3 bottles of Argentinian red wine (hers). I'm not much of a wine drinker but I need something to calm the nerves and open the first bottle and discover that it's actually quite quaffable.

 

I'm so tense during the game that I'm drinking this wine at the same speed that I'd drink beer and before the end of the game all 3 bottles have been rattled. She comes back after the game to find me an unholy fucking mess, it can't even tell her what the score was. 3 bottles of red on an empty stomach in under 2 hours, things can only go one way.

 

Apparently (I don't remember any of this), I spewed on the floor then went through to the bathroom and spewed in the sink before asking "whose fucking house is this". She put me to bed, I spewed in the bed. I spent the night in the bath spewing and retching constantly, my body didn't seem to give me any notice of it going to happen, it was just instant.

 

The next day I had a terrible pain in the middle of my chest and I'm still spewing except this time it's bringing up a bit of blood, she was still speaking to me at this point despite spending most of the previous evening mopping up spew and washing sheets, so she takes me to the doctors and I describe what happened. This doctor is looking at me like I'm a piece of shit on her shoe and I'm asking her for a painkiller and some stomach tablets. She tells me to sit on the bed and fucks off. Next thing a nurse comes in and puts a fucking drip in my arm and tells me to lie down, the doctor comes back in and tells me I'm being admitted overnight and has booked me in for an emergency endoscopy in the morning. I get sat in a fucking wheelchair (despite my protests) and wheeled back through the doctors waiting room to tell my wife that I don't think I'll be making the restaurant tonight.

 

To be fair to her she was pissing herself laughing once she got over the shock of seeing me coming out in a wheelchair with a drip in my arm. So yeah, spent the night in hospital getting woken up every 2 hours by a nurse to change my drip and make sure I wasn't dead, emergency endoscopy first thing in the morning which revealed grade 4 oesophagitis, I had basically ripped my stomach lining out to fuck. Got a bit of a talking to by the surgeon and was sent home with my tail between my legs and a bag full of stomach pills.

 

My missus was good about it though, but it still gets brought up years later if I try and get out of doing something...that fucking anniversary is always in my debt column.

[JagSquared]

I remember another time going round to my mates after a week of working long hours for a quiet bevy, just 6 cans and we were going to watch MOTD. The Mrs starts going on about every time I go out with this particular mate I always end up going to town and getting twatted and saying it best not happen tonight because we had to leave the house at 7.00am to go this wedding fair in Birmingham I'd promised I'd attend with her.

 

Had 4 cans and fell asleep on my mates couch, woke up at 6.45am with him asleep on the other couch. Checked my phone and I had something ridiculous like 55 missed calls, 20 texts and about 8 voicemails calling me all kinds for ignoring her, a twat for going out to town like she knew I would, the wedding was off and all sorts.

 

Got home and said I'd fell asleep on the couch and she hit the roof asking if I thought she was stupid, she launched a remote at me and clocked me on the side of my head, totally fucking flipped. Even now she won't believe I fell asleep on his couch.

 

I hope you didnt marry her.

[Champ]

Got a massive Easter Sunday dinner to attend round her aunts! There will be about 15 of us. However going round my mate's to watch us against Norwich at 12 first. I think I already know how it's going to end, even though my strict instructions are to arrive no later than 3!

She knows how thats going to end. Joy thief

[Dr Nowt]

We had an anniversary dinner booked at a restaurant that she had been looking forward to going to for ages.

 

The day before our anniversary was a certain sporting event involving us and that shower of devil worshipping cunts, so my missus knows how these things go and goes out to avoid the mayhem. Anyway, I settle down to watch it on the telly and realise that I've not got any beer in. A quick check in the cupboards unearths 3 bottles of Argentinian red wine (hers). I'm not much of a wine drinker but I need something to calm the nerves and open the first bottle and discover that it's actually quite quaffable.

 

I'm so tense during the game that I'm drinking this wine at the same speed that I'd drink beer and before the end of the game all 3 bottles have been rattled. She comes back after the game to find me an unholy fucking mess, it can't even tell her what the score was. 3 bottles of red on an empty stomach in under 2 hours, things can only go one way.

 

Apparently (I don't remember any of this), I spewed on the floor then went through to the bathroom and spewed in the sink before asking "whose fucking house is this". She put me to bed, I spewed in the bed. I spent the night in the bath spewing and retching constantly, my body didn't seem to give me any notice of it going to happen, it was just instant.

 

The next day I had a terrible pain in the middle of my chest and I'm still spewing except this time it's bringing up a bit of blood, she was still speaking to me at this point despite spending most of the previous evening mopping up spew and washing sheets, so she takes me to the doctors and I describe what happened. This doctor is looking at me like I'm a piece of shit on her shoe and I'm asking her for a painkiller and some stomach tablets. She tells me to sit on the bed and fucks off. Next thing a nurse comes in and puts a fucking drip in my arm and tells me to lie down, the doctor comes back in and tells me I'm being admitted overnight and has booked me in for an emergency endoscopy in the morning. I get sat in a fucking wheelchair (despite my protests) and wheeled back through the doctors waiting room to tell my wife that I don't think I'll be making the restaurant tonight.

 

To be fair to her she was pissing herself laughing once she got over the shock of seeing me coming out in a wheelchair with a drip in my arm. So yeah, spent the night in hospital getting woken up every 2 hours by a nurse to change my drip and make sure I wasn't dead, emergency endoscopy first thing in the morning which revealed grade 4 oesophagitis, I had basically ripped my stomach lining out to fuck. Got a bit of a talking to by the surgeon and was sent home with my tail between my legs and a bag full of stomach pills.

 

My missus was good about it though, but it still gets brought up years later if I try and get out of doing something...that fucking anniversary is always in my debt column.

Absolutely brilliant mate, especially "whose fucking house is this".

[Fowlers God]

She knows how thats going to end. Joy thief

She told me this morning that she loved me no matter what and I make her incredibly happy! That right there is my get out of jail card!

[Champ]

She told me this morning that she loved me no matter what and I make her incredibly happy! That right there is my get out of jail card!

Oh, I dont know...I can see that being used against you at 3pm tomorrow afternoon

[Sugar Ape]

I hope you didnt marry her.

Can you imagine what would have happened to me if I tried to break it off?

[Dr Nowt]

She's typing these posts while wearing Rape's skin over her own fingers.

 

He gone.

[Anny Road]

Back in the 90's I turned down the trip to go to Forrest away with the lads. We had been the previous year and had a ball.

Anyway went to the shop over the road from our house first thing in the morning of the game it was snowing like fuck. Anyway as I

was crossing the road home they pulled up and one had dropped out. They convinced me in 10 seconds to come so I nipped in put the milk and paper on the kitchen table grabbed my wallet and was off. Leaving the (ex) girlfriend in bed no doubt worrying where I had gone. This was pre mobile days.

Anyway phoned her from Nottingham and explained and was told in no uncertain terms to get home as soon as the game finished.

Match was cancelled and we ended up bladded in a topless bar. Played cricket with snow balls and a plank in the middle of trent bridge and this lasted for 2 days. Had to take monday off work and slept on the couch for a week. Worth it though.

[stringvest]

She told me this morning that she loved me no matter what and I make her incredibly happy! That right there is my get out of jail card!

You fool. Do you not see what she's playing at there?

 

[Trumo]

A little Seasick Steve.

 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lza3NVH6Ig

[Dr Nowt]

You fool. Do you not see what she's playing at there?

The Louis Theroux technique.

[Ginny]

This story is about one of my mates. We go for a monthly meal with a load of lads were one of us picks the venue. One of the group moved to London not long back and I arranged for him to come up as a surprise to the rest of us. It was a Thursday night and I had tactically booked the Friday off work. Anyway he turns up and we ended up goin mad. Fat bag of Lemo and then to the strippers till about 6am. I ha a couple of dances but one lad I was with told his mrs he'd be back at 7pm. He basically stayed out with and spunked £800 on lap dances with 2 girls and champagne. The next day he was due to go and put a deposit on a house with his bird. But he'd spent part of the money on lappies. He was in deep shit

[TheBitch]

Failed to notice for 3 days that my brunette girlfriend had gone blond. Three days of asking what was wrong and why was she acting weird?

Impressive.

[PestiRed]

Impressive.

Split up a few months later, realised that I'd simply stopped looking at her which was obviously not a good sign

[stevebaby]

Back in the 90's I turned down the trip to go to Forrest away with the lads. We had been the previous year and had a ball.

Anyway went to the shop over the road from our house first thing in the morning of the game it was snowing like fuck. Anyway as I

was crossing the road home they pulled up and one had dropped out. They convinced me in 10 seconds to come so I nipped in put the milk and paper on the kitchen table grabbed my wallet and was off. Leaving the (ex) girlfriend in bed no doubt worrying where I had gone. This was pre mobile days.

Anyway phoned her from Nottingham and explained and was told in no uncertain terms to get home as soon as the game finished.

Match was cancelled and we ended up bladded in a topless bar. Played cricket with snow balls and a plank in the middle of trent bridge and this lasted for 2 days. Had to take monday off work and slept on the couch for a week. Worth it though.

Champion!

[VladimirIlyich]

Split up a few months later, realised that I'd simply stopped looking at her which was obviously not a good sign

I think her attempt to change this failed miserably.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Split up a few months later, realised that I'd simply stopped looking at her which was obviously not a good sign

She should've tried harder.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5jLmXA_VpY&index=3&list=PLF454AD0AD5C3B2B8

[Adebisi]

My ex really hated her mum. She was kicked out when she was 14 and couldn't talk about her without crying or getting angry, sometimes both. We planned to have a nice day one mother's day - just us two. I'm up bright and early and she says she's gonna have a lie in so I decide to go get her some croissants and coffee. On the way back from the shop I decide to stop by my mate's to pick up some money he owes me. He lets me in and there's a big group of men and women on the sofa and floor (up all night on pills) smoking the biggest joint I've ever seen. 

They pass it to me and I take a few tokes thinking 'What's the worst that could happen?' I was an experienced smoker at this point, I wasn't going to get stoned off a few tokes now was I? I ended up having a few more and then said my goodbyes, I was only gone 30 minutes in total and it was only a 10 minute walk to ours so I figured she'd still be in bed. Soon as I left the house I began to feel really, really high; absolutely stoned to smithereens. I get to the door and try and get all the grins and giggles out of my system but as soon as I get upstairs into the bedroom I'm off again laughing. She wakes up and seems amused at first, but then she twigs.. 'Are you fucking stoned?!' I laugh until I'm red in the face while she boots off big time; screaming, crying. slamming doors. All of which I laughed at (while hiding under the covers)

Eventually she kicked me out and I had to go back round to the comedown house, where I was rightly ridiculed. I tried calling and text her a few times, all of which she ignored. She finally rang me back at 9pm and said I could go back round, which I did in record time, begging forgiveness . She told me I let her down so much and she was gutted but she forgave me, like she always did and we lasted a year and half longer after that, but I really felt terrible about that one. I fucked up bad.