In the doghouse...again.

[RJ Fan club]

Years back I went on an all-dayer with an old mate of mine and we were on tequilla chasers with every pint from noon. I then left him to meet up with her and her mates who were only starting a sedate night out at gone 20:00. Someone should have just put a bullet in me, it sounds fucking criminal how I behaved.

 

Amongst many painfully twattish episodes, early on I got up to go the bar and just let myself mock collapse in the middle of a rammed busy pub, then lay there twitching. When loads of people had gathered round panicking and one started calling an ambulance, I got up and strolled to the bar to order another drink.

 

I was going through a bit of a piss-fetish over birds with big tits when I was drunk, and continually cornered her mate's then new squeeze, now wife and mother of his kids, saying I wanted to "hose them down with my yellow jets." This was subsequently described to me as "beyond fucking creepy", and sounds a fair description.

 

I finally left the bar after a row with the doorman with my trousers round my ankles like a penguin and did the lying down game in the middle of the road until a taxi emergency stopped and let us in - very Didi Hamann on his first night out with LFC, except he's not a raving tit. I wouldn't mind so much but I want people to be put to death when I see them behaving like that, fucking stag do nonsense.

 

The friend in question just never made contact with her again, we awkwardly bumped into him recently and it had been years and years. Makes my skin crawl to think of it, hastened a change in drinking habits for a time. One of very few occasions she's refused to speak to me the next day.

"hose them down with my yellow jets."

 

Never fails to make me cry with laughter.

[littletedwest]

went to my old bosses wedding the other week.Ale was going down well and I had the Mrs with me. Walked up to a bird I used to work with while bladdered and slapped her arse and said "whit woo sexy" unfortunately the Mrs saw.The girl in question was pissed and didn't even remember when I mentioned it on the Monday. Got a good week of moaning. And comments about how well I get on with Tanya still coming in.

[Kevin D]

Went out for a few pints after work yesterday and said I'd be home about 7. Ended up necking quad vods and phoned the mrs to come and pick me up in town about midnight.

She gets to town and I've got a taxi home, turned my phone off and gone to sleep. So she's driving round town looking for me and phoning me before returning home and finding me comatose on the couch.

Paying for it today like. Already had to mow, strim and clean up the garden ( which is fucking huge ) in a hungover state while she plots her next move.

What have you fuckers done to end up in the doghouse?

Maybe she's playing hard to get?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

My ex really hated her mum. She was kicked out when she was 14 and couldn't talk about her without crying or getting angry, sometimes both. We planned to have a nice day one mother's day - just us two. I'm up bright and early and she says she's gonna have a lie in so I decide to go get her some croissants and coffee. On the way back from the shop I decide to stop by my mate's to pick up some money he owes me. He lets me in and there's a big group of men and women on the sofa and floor (up all night on pills) smoking the biggest joint I've ever seen. 

 

They pass it to me and I take a few tokes thinking 'What's the worst that could happen?' I was an experienced smoker at this point, I wasn't going to get stoned off a few tokes now was I? I ended up having a few more and then said my goodbyes, I was only gone 30 minutes in total and it was only a 10 minute walk to ours so I figured she'd still be in bed. Soon as I left the house I began to feel really, really high; absolutely stoned to smithereens. I get to the door and try and get all the grins and giggles out of my system but as soon as I get upstairs into the bedroom I'm off again laughing. She wakes up and seems amused at first, but then she twigs.. 'Are you fucking stoned?!' I laugh until I'm red in the face while she boots off big time; screaming, crying. slamming doors. All of which I laughed at (while hiding under the covers)

 

Eventually she kicked me out and I had to go back round to the comedown house, where I was rightly ridiculed. I tried calling and text her a few times, all of which she ignored. She finally rang me back at 9pm and said I could go back round, which I did in record time, begging forgiveness . She told me I let her down so much and she was gutted but she forgave me, like she always did and we lasted a year and half longer after that, but I really felt terrible about that one. I fucked up bad. 

 

You had a cheeky toke while she was asleep. Back to bed for an hour or two would have sorted it.

[Dr Nowt]

"hose them down with my yellow jets."

Never fails to make me cry with laughter.

Funnily enough we were out on Saturday and she brought this incident up to an ex-squaddie who's engaged to an old pal of hers. Got an "I can tell Ben is someone I'm going to like a lot" from him and she was laughing about the fact they've never contacted her again, a source of much awkwardness back then.

 

Proof that once enough time has passed even having been a right twat gets viewed with a certain fondness.

[lifetime fan]

Ask the girlfriends best mate if she wants to join us for a threesome - when she tells me she doesn't think Leanne would approve I take it that she's up for it just us and start to arrange a night of good loving. She tells Leanne what I've been up to as soon as she gets back from the bar.

[stringvest]

I've had some crackers but they're still too painful and cringeworthy to tell on here.

[lifetime fan]

An ex of mine (sound lass, we almost got engaged despite her being a fox hunting tory) was going through a bit of a rough patch and bumming had seriously dried up at home so one night when out with a mate I get talking to some tart and end up going back to hers for some serious filth.

 

In the morning she asks me for my number and whilst still half cut and not wanting to be too big a cunt about it I give her my old mobile number. I leave and flag a cab down and as I'm half way home my phone goes to Anna on the phone going fucking apeshit at me calling me every cunt under the sun whilst crying hysterically.

 

She's going on about how I've hurt her more than any other person in the world, she loved me and I'd abused her trust and she never wanted to see or speak to me again. Turns out I'd given the one nighter Anna's number rather than my old number. Daft prick. I keep insisting I don't know what she's on about, I'd passed out on Rich's sofa and had done nothing wrong. Tell her she's not listening and I won't carry on the call.

 

Turns out this tart had texted Anna saying enjoy your game of tennis (my excuse to fuck off), when Anna replied saying do I know you, she got a reply of, well yeah, you spent all night bumming me.

 

Get the cabbie to nail it back to mine, pick up the car and get back to the tarts place sharpish, explain what had happened (blagged that I liked her and that's why I'd given her the number) and asked if contacted by Anna again would she say I was a 6ft tennis coach with black hair. Then from her place to the tennis club and get Rich in on the story. If Anna contacts him I'd passed out on his sofa and he brought some tart back, in the morning he didn't want her to have his number and asked me to give her a blag one and in a pissed state I must have given her Anna's by mistake.

 

Then it's home for a shower and wait. And wait, and wait. Then the phone goes and she's crying even more than before. I can't hear a word she's saying for about 5 minutes until she starts to get herself together and tells me how sorry she is, she should have never not believed me and that she was the guilty party.

 

I felt like an absolute cunt when she insisted on giving me apology blowjobs all afternoon.

[stringvest]

An ex of mine (sound lass, we almost got engaged despite her being a fox hunting tory) was going through a bit of a rough patch and bumming had seriously dried up at home so one night when out with a mate I get talking to some tart and end up going back to hers for some serious filth.

 

In the morning she asks me for my number and whilst still half cut and not wanting to be too big a cunt about it I give her my old mobile number. I leave and flag a cab down and as I'm half way home my phone goes to Anna on the phone going fucking apeshit at me calling me every cunt under the sun whilst crying hysterically.

 

She's going on about how I've hurt her more than any other person in the world, she loved me and I'd abused her trust and she never wanted to see or speak to me again. Turns out I'd given the one nighter Anna's number rather than my old number. Daft prick. I keep insisting I don't know what she's on about, I'd passed out on Rich's sofa and had done nothing wrong. Tell her she's not listening and I won't carry on the call.

 

Turns out this tart had texted Anna saying enjoy your game of tennis (my excuse to fuck off), when Anna replied saying do I know you, she got a reply of, well yeah, you spent all night bumming me.

 

Get the cabbie to nail it back to mine, pick up the car and get back to the tarts place sharpish, explain what had happened (blagged that I liked her and that's why I'd given her the number) and asked if contacted by Anna again would she say I was a 6ft tennis coach with black hair. Then from her place to the tennis club and get Rich in on the story. If Anna contacts him I'd passed out on his sofa and he brought some tart back, in the morning he didn't want her to have his number and asked me to give her a blag one and in a pissed state I must have given her Anna's by mistake.

 

Then it's home for a shower and wait. And wait, and wait. Then the phone goes and she's crying even more than before. I can't hear a word she's saying for about 5 minutes until she starts to get herself together and tells me how sorry she is, she should have never not believed me and that she was the guilty party.

 

I felt like an absolute cunt when she insisted on giving me apology blowjobs all afternoon.

 

Even Terry-Thomas wouldn't have pulled a stunt like that.  I'm not repping you for it, because it's disgraceful behaviour.  

 

Rascal.

[lifetime fan]

Even Terry-Thomas wouldn't have pulled a stunt like that.  I'm not repping you for it, because it's disgraceful behaviour.  

 

Rascal.

 

I did feel suitably ashamed of myself. 

[Champ]

I did feel suitably ashamed of myself.

Did?

[stringvest]

Watch out Col, Jemima Cricket's here.

[lifetime fan]

Did?

 

It was over 10 years ago. The advantage of being a catholic is confession. 

 

God loves a sinner.

[Champ]

Watch out Col, Jemima Cricket's here.

Nanny McPhee

[Ranxerox]

Obviously tame by the standard emerging on this thread but thought I would throw it in to show how TLW is affecting me. My spouse told me about a nasty incident at her work involving another woman. At the close of her story I offered my support by saying "What a cunt!" 

 

Now cunt is a word I have rarely used in my life, although known in these parts it just isn't common usage. Here we refer to our cunts as assholes (male) and bitches (female). Cunt (as I was reminded) is one of those still taboo words. Fuck me if I don't read it at least 1000 times a day on here and I now find myself constantly uttering it under my breath. It has all but replaced asshole and bitch in my lexicon and I catch myself almost saying it aloud nearly everyday. 

 

She gave me a pretty good going over but that's probably mild compared to what will happen when I say it in company (which is without a doubt inevitable) at some future social occasion.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Obviously tame by the standard emerging on this thread but thought I would throw it in to show how TLW is affecting me. My spouse told me about a nasty incident at her work involving another woman. At the close of her story I offered my support by saying "What a cunt!" 

 

Now cunt is a word I have rarely used in my life, although known in these parts it just isn't common usage. Here we refer to our cunts as assholes (male) and bitches (female). Cunt (as I was reminded) is one of those still taboo words. Fuck me if I don't read it at least 1000 times a day on here and I now find myself constantly uttering it under my breath. It has all but replaced asshole and bitch in my lexicon and I catch myself almost saying it aloud nearly everyday. 

 

She gave me a pretty good going over but that's probably mild compared to what will happen when I say it in company (which is without a doubt inevitable) at some future social occasion.

Had a mate who had two feuding sisters and they would say all sorts but the c word was never used until one day. It took years before they would talk to each other.

[Champ]

Obviously tame by the standard emerging on this thread but thought I would throw it in to show how TLW is affecting me. My spouse told me about a nasty incident at her work involving another woman. At the close of her story I offered my support by saying "What a cunt!"

 

Now cunt is a word I have rarely used in my life, although known in these parts it just isn't common usage. Here we refer to our cunts as assholes (male) and bitches (female). Cunt (as I was reminded) is one of those still taboo words. Fuck me if I don't read it at least 1000 times a day on here and I now find myself constantly uttering it under my breath. It has all but replaced asshole and bitch in my lexicon and I catch myself almost saying it aloud nearly everyday.

 

She gave me a pretty good going over but that's probably mild compared to what will happen when I say it in company (which is without a doubt inevitable) at some future social occasion.

You are not alone.

 

'A rotten thing to do' is now 'a cunt's trick' in my head. The manager of a certain sports national team, 'an owl faced cunt'......you get my drift

 

It wasnt so long ago a work colleague looked at me aghast as I described a large kitchen appliance as 'a big fuck off fridge.'

[Dr Nowt]

I vividly remember my Mum calling me a cunt when I was about 14, over various things I'd been up to.  She never used to swear at all in that era, much less reach for the phal of expletives, so I knew I'd fully exhausted her patience.  Unfortunately for her, the only correct and self-respecting attitude at that age is to piss yourself and feel deep down like you've won.  After an attempt at bollocking me had failed she'd already gone up to the level of giving out an impromptu and completely unprecedented kick in the knee, only to receive a startled laughing fit, so short of raiding the knife drawer there was little room for her to raise the intensity further.

 

Cunts, eh?  Who'd have one.

[Bjornebye]

 A few years back I went to my girlfriend at the times mum’s who was having a bit of a gathering of her friends etc. I got on with her mum well (still do to this day) but her mum’s sister in law was there and she is far too highly strung. Especially too highly strung for me turning up, pissed. We were all in the kitchen and as I had been in the pub all day, I started playing up for these 7 pissed women. Culminating with me turning to the sister in law , hitting her on the head with a wooden spoon and calling her a ‘jumped up Scottish cunt’.

 

 Now in my mind I was saying it in jest and surely that’s how it should have been taken???? Was it fuck. My bird dragged me out the kitchen, her mum to her credit walked out the back door hiding her laughter and the sister in law stood there open mouthed not knowing what to say. I got a huge bollocking the next morning off my bird and had to apologise to this woman the next time I saw her because apparently ‘Cunt’ is a forbidden and most insulting word.

 

 We all had tickets to see Billy Connolly at Southampton mayflower (I’m a massive fan myself but this woman is a huge huge fan) and when we met up with them before the gig I apologised and bought her a bottle of wine in the bar across the road. You know when you apologise for something silly that you have done when drunk and the other person carries on being a bit of a dick about it? Well she was and as soon as she said “Ok its fine” I instantly regretted apologising. My exes mum saw the look on my face and just shook her head as if to say “I know, just leave it”

 

 Billy Connolly walks on stage and about 2 minutes into his act he mentions the word ‘Cunt’ and how he hates that people take such offence to it then proceeds to call everyone a Cunt. The only person in the place not laughing is ‘The Cunt’ who is looking down the row of seats seeing who is laughing. Her brother, my exes mum and my ex are chewing their cheeks fighting back the tears while I held my stomach and laughed my fucking head off.

 

 Have that you jumped up Scottish cunt. 

[Remmie]

My old boss told me a belter. He was seeing this bird and living together in a flat. They had another couple of friends come to visit and stay over. They had bought a bottle of Tequila back from a recent holiday and was obviously encouraging them to do Tequila sunrises. My old boss said no bad things happen when he drinks Tequila, he'll stick to beer. They kept on and on at him to try some so eventually he buckles.

 

*Missing scene*

 

He wakes up the next day having pissed all over the wardrobe and all over their guests. He was dumped and hasn't seen any of them since. Top work.

[Harry Squatter]

Me and my mate went away to Russia for a week. I had been seeing my bird for about eight months but I'd already booked this trip before we even got together. She had asked me to cancel the trip and go away with her instead but I said no as I didn't want to let my mate down and I'd wanted to go to Russia for quite a long time. She already had a face on even before I was going.

 

My mate decided one night when we were in a hotel in St Petersburg to take a brass back to his room. I had to stay in the hotel reception while he got his hours worth.

 

We get back and my bird asked me if my mate had shagged anyone or banged a brass and I said no. My mate had previous brass form as he was quite open about it in work with people.

 

Anyway, despite my mate and I saying "no one must ever hear of this" the stupid twat decides to tell every fucker in work about it and one of the women on my mates section decides to tell my bird. She was livid that I'd lied to her and started accusing me of all kinds saying I must have done the same. It took me ages to convince her Otherwise. I had a massive rant at my mate for being such a tit and he offered to act as peacemaker but I told him he'd make te situation worse.

 

She said she couldn't trust me even though I never really did anything wrong. She got full dramatic effect out of it and didnt shut up about it for ages. The way she went on about it I could have done far worse and had the same amount of whining.

[littletedwest]

bought her a weight watchers meal the other night. Not on purpose, was on phone to my mate just grabbed a microwave meal.

"Fucking weight watchers"

 

i didn't help because I couldn't help smirking.

[littletedwest]

my mate came back from lads Christmas night out and leaving a pack of condoms on his bedroom table.

He didn't remember why he had them and could only say to his Mrs he bought them for a posh wank.

knowing how daft he is that may be true.

[Bjornebye]

my mate came back from lads Christmas night out and leaving a pack of condoms on his bedroom table.

He didn't remember why he had them and could only say to his Mrs he bought them for a posh wank.

knowing how daft he is that may be true.

Haha some lad I used to work with broke up with his bird after she went to ibiza after seeing a johnny pack next to her bed in one of her holiday pictures

[Rico1304]

Haha some lad I used to work with broke up with his bird after she went to ibiza after seeing a johnny pack next to her bed in one of her holiday pictures

I nailed a bird in Corfu who had a picture of her boyfriend on the bedside table, she actually put it face down as we got down to it. I may or may not have wiped my nob on the photo when she went for a piss.