The world of a woman.

[Bjornebye]

 Tradition in our work that on your birthday you bring in food for everyone else (I know, doesn't make sense to me either) so this morning one of the fellas has brought in loads of sausage rolls and these cheese and bacon twists. One of our training ladies just came up then and put 2 of each on her plate and has just walked round the office and told about 8 different people that she went to asda this morning and bought all this healthy food but seeing as its his birthday its rude not to eat his food.

 

No you fat cunt.

[lifetime fan]

I met 2 of her best mates on Sunday, we went round theirs for a drink on the way home from Devon.

 

We're sat in the lounge chatting when one of them says that at 5:47 Saturn and Pluto will be aligned and this will affect gravity, if you jump in the air it'll take 3.2 seconds to come down.

 

I politely point out that I think someone's been having her on but she insists NASA have announced this.

 

So I'm sat there watching the 2 of them jumping as high in the air as they can saying it's taking longer than normal to come down.

 

To be fair the bird knew it was bollocks and told them so, I just sat there shaking my head. After 5 minutes of them doing this they then gave up so I asked them where NASA had announced this.

 

"I was sent a copy of it on Facebook".

 

Fucking idiots.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I met 2 of her best mates on Sunday, we went round theirs for a drink on the way home from Devon.

 

We're sat in the lounge chatting when one of them says that at 5:47 Saturn and Pluto will be aligned and this will affect gravity, if you jump in the air it'll take 3.2 seconds to come down.

 

I politely point out that I think someone's been having her on but she insists NASA have announced this.

 

So I'm sat there watching the 2 of them jumping as high in the air as they can saying it's taking longer than normal to come down.

 

To be fair the bird knew it was bollocks and told them so, I just sat there shaking my head. After 5 minutes of them doing this they then gave up so I asked them where NASA had announced this.

 

"I was sent a copy of it on Facebook".

 

Fucking idiots.

 

My God. That is absolutely outstanding. Breathtakingly gullible. Did you let them know that your penis was a cure for a sore throat?

[Trumo]

Isaac Newton would shake his head and then slap said wenches upside the head.

[stringvest]

I met 2 of her best mates on Sunday, we went round theirs for a drink on the way home from Devon.

 

We're sat in the lounge chatting when one of them says that at 5:47 Saturn and Pluto will be aligned and this will affect gravity, if you jump in the air it'll take 3.2 seconds to come down.

 

I politely point out that I think someone's been having her on but she insists NASA have announced this.

 

So I'm sat there watching the 2 of them jumping as high in the air as they can saying it's taking longer than normal to come down.

 

To be fair the bird knew it was bollocks and told them so, I just sat there shaking my head. After 5 minutes of them doing this they then gave up so I asked them where NASA had announced this.

 

"I was sent a copy of it on Facebook".

 

Fucking idiots.

 

let them down gently.  

[lifetime fan]

My God. That is absolutely outstanding. Breathtakingly gullible. Did you let them know that your penis was a cure for a sore throat?

My spunk tastes of cider, wanna try it?

[Ranxerox]

So my wife forgets to clean out the kids lunch from their backpacks when they came home for Christmas break 2 weeks ago. Discovers on Sunday that my young daughters backpack is now disgustingly foul. Its a couple years old, worse for wear and she has another one bought as part of her summer footy kit so I say bin the old one. She gets angry at my irresponsible waste and insists I clean it. I said its not worth cleaning (can't imagine how I could scrub that smell out of it anyhow) as aside from the smell its falling apart and besides she has another one. She insists and says she'll clean it if I won't.

 

My daughter like her friends has managed to adorn this thing with all manner of key chains, pins, badges, stickers etc. What does my do? Chucks the whole thing in the washer with a couple of dishtowels. 

 

An hour later I happen down to the basement to my workshop only to find that the washer is overflowing and the entire basement is now flooded. Guess who get the pleasure of cleaning up that mess. 

 

Somehow its also all my fault for not cleaning it in the first place. In retrospect I should have just made like I was going to clean it whilst throwing it away, but how can you know in advance the lengths you have to go to to avoid this sort of female mechanical incompetence?

[Trumo]

Did your kids not actually eat their lunch then?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

My spunk tastes of cider, wanna try it?

 

I don't like the taste of cider. Call me if it starts to taste like spunk...

[Ranxerox]

Did your kids not actually eat their lunch then?

 

No one can finish off the feedbag she packs them everyday.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

A girl in our work was driving onto the motor way, at the last minute she decided to go a different way so went to pull off, mounted the curb slightly and blew her tyre out. She said she had no cover and the car would not start so she called her dad and waited for him to pick her up on the hard shoulder. She then said, "I was going out that night so I was fuming but luckily I had a bottle of wine on the passenger seat so I just started necking that whilst I waited to be picked up". I said, seriously ??? what if the police had pulled up ?? she said "well, OBVIOUSLY I wasn't drinking it before I crashed, and I could have just said well, look the car isn't driveable, just let that sink in.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

A girl in our work was driving onto the motor way, at the last minute she decided to go a different way so went to pull off, mounted the curb slightly and blew her tyre out. She said she had no cover and the car would not start so she called her dad and waited for him to pick her up on the hard shoulder. She then said, "I was going out that night so I was fuming but luckily I had a bottle of wine on the passenger seat so I just started necking that whilst I waited to be picked up". I said, seriously ??? what if the police had pulled up ?? she said "well, OBVIOUSLY I wasn't drinking it before I crashed, and I could have just said well, look the car isn't driveable, just let that sink in.

 

I need to find me some fit girls who are dumb enough to swallow my lies. And spunk.

[Trumo]

A girl in our work was driving onto the motor way, at the last minute she decided to go a different way so went to pull off, mounted the curb slightly and blew her tyre out. She said she had no cover and the car would not start so she called her dad and waited for him to pick her up on the hard shoulder. She then said, "I was going out that night so I was fuming but luckily I had a bottle of wine on the passenger seat so I just started necking that whilst I waited to be picked up". I said, seriously ??? what if the police had pulled up ?? she said "well, OBVIOUSLY I wasn't drinking it before I crashed, and I could have just said well, look the car isn't driveable, just let that sink in.

 

The people who did her job interview must have been desperate or just asked all the wrong questions to miss this level of idiocy.

[JagSquared]

The people who did her job interview must have been desperate or just asked all the wrong questions to miss this level of idiocy.

Or she's fit.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Jebs. All about the jebs in interviews. I've even started leaving a few shirt buttons undone, let the hairy cleavage do its thing.

[Trumo]

Zeek never said anything about whether she was fit or not.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

If she's as dumb as a bag of onions and isn't much to look at, then she's in for a hard life.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Yeah, she is fit, but I've known her for years, the novelty wore off a long time ago, so to me, she's just thick.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Do you have her number then?

[Chairman Meow]

And pictures. 

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

Here's a word you can use on your other half, Misophonia. It's a genuine psychiatric disorder and you know how much they enjoy being called psychos.

 

 

People who have misophonia are most commonly angered, and even enraged, by common ambient sounds, such as other people clearing their throats, clipping their nails, brushing their teeth, chewing crushed ice, eating, slurping, drinking, breathing, sniffing, talking, sneezing, yawning, walking, chewing gum, laughing, snoring, typing on a keyboard, whistling or coughing; saying certain consonants; or repetitive sounds.^[9] Some are also affected by visual stimuli, such as repetitive foot or body movements, fidgeting, or movement they observe out of the corners of their eyes; this has been termed misokinesia, meaning hatred of movement.^[5]

 

^{I think every woman I've ever known develops this.}

I need to apologise to my missus - I've been telling her she's autistic for ages. Though she probably thinks it's a compliment about her choice of decor.

[mattyq]

A girl in our work was driving onto the motor way, at the last minute she decided to go a different way so went to pull off, mounted the curb slightly and blew her tyre out. She said she had no cover and the car would not start so she called her dad and waited for him to pick her up on the hard shoulder. She then said, "I was going out that night so I was fuming but luckily I had a bottle of wine on the passenger seat so I just started necking that whilst I waited to be picked up". I said, seriously ??? what if the police had pulled up ?? she said "well, OBVIOUSLY I wasn't drinking it before I crashed, and I could have just said well, look the car isn't driveable, just let that sink in.

I didn't know there are people this stupid in real life

[Trumo]

I didn't know there are people this stupid in real life

 

Mate, you need to read this thread from the beginning.

[Jarvinja Ilnow]

My spunk tastes of cider, wanna try it?

Can I gargle with blackcurrant first?

[Elite]

Can I gargle with blackcurrant first?

Wimp.