The world of a woman.

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

WOMEN across the UK are being forced to attend a one-day thermostat awareness course to learn how they work.

 

The courses, run by the Department of Energy, are compulsory for anyone who has committed two or more thermostat misuse infractions in a 72-hour period and are projected to save the UK millions of pounds in bills.

 

 

 

Instructor Dr Thomas Booker said: “This is a thermostat. It can sense the temperature.

 

“When set to, for example, 21 degrees, it will regulate the temperature of your home at 21 degrees by turning the heating off or on without – and this is important – any need for manual adjustment.

 

“If you are feeling a little cold and adjust it upwards to, say, 30 degrees, it will not provide a short-term boost of heat but will begin heating the entire home to tropical temperatures. The opposite will happen if adjusted down, though that’s of course entirely theoretical.

 

“The way to operate a thermostat is simply to choose the temperature you’re most comfortable with and to leave it alone and not touch it. Let me repeat that: pick a temperature, do not touch it and leave it alone.”

 

Attendee Donna Sheridan said: “Nah. I still don’t get it.”

[Gym Beglin]

I need to nick all this content and publish a book.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I need to nick all this content and publish a book.

 

50 shades of shite

[Harry Squatter]

Update on that woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

She's started a crowd funding page and needs £2500 for a dodgy American based publisher to release her stories. I think she's got about £30 so far.

[Captain Turdseye]

I have to apologise for being a bastard in her dreams.

 

Last night she was tossing and turning constantly, talking in her sleep, climbing all over me, pulling the quilt away and then she woke me up at 6am by rolling over and accidentally punching me in the mouth.

 

It wasn't her fault though, she was asleep.

[tokyojoe]

I have to apologise for being a bastard in her dreams.

 

Last night she was tossing and turning constantly, talking in her sleep, climbing all over me, pulling the quilt away and then she woke me up at 6am by rolling over and accidentally punching me in the mouth.

 

It wasn't her fault though, she was asleep.

I'd beem playing footie earlier that day and volleyed my ex during the night. That went down well.

[Captain Turdseye]

I'd beem playing footie earlier that day and volleyed my ex during the night. That went down well.

Why were you in bed with your ex last night?

[Trumo]

'Headers & Volleys' is very different when you're a grown up.

[Trumo]

Update on that woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

She's started a crowd funding page and needs £2500 for a dodgy American based publisher to release her stories. I think she's got about £30 so far.

 

Didn't she make millions from that Fifty Shades shite? oh wait, you're on about a different woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

EDIT: I know you're on about someone else. Was she the one who wrote about getting rattled by different blokes with the names of Blooshite players?

[Elite]

'Headers & Volleys' is very different when you're a grown up.

You must go to some kinky sex parties.

[Trumo]

You must go to some kinky sex parties.

 

Go to?

[Elite]

Go to?

Only for the headers, the volleys are far too painful.

[tokyojoe]

Why were you in bed with your ex last night?

This was over 20 years ago. Please pay attention.

[deiseach]

Are there still women out there who hate football?

[Harry Squatter]

Didn't she make millions from that Fifty Shades shite? oh wait, you're on about a different woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

EDIT: I know you're on about someone else. Was she the one who wrote about getting rattled by different blokes with the names of Blooshite players?

Yes. Having a threesome with Russ Berkeley and Duncan Fergus. The names have been changed so no one will get onto it.

[Mook]

I've said to my missus that we should visit Redditch next year when they finish the John Bonham statue.

 

"What else is there to do in Redditch?"

 

They just don't understand.

 

*books return ticket to Redditch for one

[Trumo]

I've said to my missus that we should visit Redditch next year when they finish the John Bonham statue.

 

Does it include a small shark and a cunt?

[Mook]

Does it include a small shark and a cunt?

 

No, it's him shitting in that woman's handbag.

 

The mudshark incident wasn't appropriate for a statue apparently.

[Alan Sex]

I'd beem playing footie earlier that day and volleyed my ex during the night. That went down well.

Reminds me of the time I was staying overnight in hospital after having my knee reconstructed.

 

Dreamt about scoring with a beautiful bicycle kick, flung my leg in the air and had to press the button to get more morphine due to the incredible pain.

 

So it worked out ok.

[Rico1304]

I’ve just found out my cousin’s girlfriend takes his phone off him at the weekend.

[Karl_b]

My other half was up even earlier for work than usual this morning. At 05:40 she woke me up to say that her alarm would be going off in 20 minutes and ask if I'd turn it off. I don't have to be up until 7 but nope, she woke me up just to say that her alarm would be going off. She didn't think to turn it off herself.

 

No idea.

[The_Goat]

I've said to my missus that we should visit Redditch next year when they finish the John Bonham statue.

 

"What else is there to do in Redditch?"

 

They just don't understand.

 

*books return ticket to Redditch for one

 

Reminds me of when I went to California back in the 90's. It was booked through Thomas Cook back in the day before booking it all yourself through the internet. When we arrived we had a holiday rep there who was trying to sell us excursions similar to when you go on a package holiday to the Med.

 

The rep was doing their usual sell on arrival and one of the trips was to Silicon Valley. We had a hire car so binned off the rep and went on our way. My missus said to me in the car ' I thought you'd have been well up for a trip to Silicon Valley?' When I asked why so replied 'Coz i thought you'd like to see how they do all the breast implants and stuff'.  

[cloggypop]

I’ve just found out my cousin’s girlfriend takes his phone off him at the weekend.

She replaces it with a gimp mask

[Sputnik1]

She replaces it with a gimp mask

 

 

She probably places it in there same box she keeps his balls in. 

[Lee909]

.