The world of a woman.

[Sputnik1]

Just rub the crack of your arse with her toothbrush, I wouldn't do that every time they talk shit as you'll end up with a red ring. 

[Harry Squatter]

I can't stand us having anything done to the house. We are getting our windows replaced today but the drama over it has lasted all weekend. Moving 3 beds and moving a few things around to other rooms is quite straightforward but not in my house, it's literally took all weekend to sort out. In between I've painted the hallway and the kitchen and done overtime. Yet this morning there's still a mad panic to move things around despite her doing virtually nothing yesterday.

 

The company haven't turned up on time either and I've told her to ring them but I'm a cunt for going to work.

[VladimirIlyich]

Just rub the crack of your arse with her toothbrush, I wouldn't do that every time they talk shit as you'll end up with a red ring.

Here speaks the voice of experience,and Preparation H.

[tokyojoe]

A rather obvious solution springs to mind. No, I'm not talking about smashing her head in with a shovel, but to cut off the tag...and then sew it to hers

Wouldn't it be easier to swap the cushions over, or am I missing something here?

[niallers]

She also has tags on hers but has them neatly tucked away so you can't see them,the devious ****. I know most women have OCD but Mrs Niallers takes it to a whole other level. You'd think I'd know better after 16 years together! More fool me.

[Remmie]

Wouldn't it be easier to swap the cushions over, or am I missing something here?

The sew it to hers bit was just bring facetious. Just cut the thing off

[Juniper]

Just seen a women running for a bus, still trying to read her Kindle.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Just seen a women running for a bus, still trying to read her Kindle.

 

I hope she missed it

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

[Paulie Dangerously]

I've mentioned before the bitchiness of the women I work with.  The girl in my office, has a bit of the resting bitch face, and can be abrupt, but she's direct and does her job and is more agreeable than most of the other ones despite her foibles. She was off yesterday so I had to send an email round to everyone saying she was off.  Cue a few "who's arsed?" and "waaaaay!" replies from the usual subjects. I made a point to reply to say she'd found her dad dead in his bed in his flat and that's the reason why she was off, which is true.  No replies or apologies.  Bastards. 

[Nelly-Szoboszlai]

WOMEN across the UK are being forced to attend a one-day thermostat awareness course to learn how they work.

 

The courses, run by the Department of Energy, are compulsory for anyone who has committed two or more thermostat misuse infractions in a 72-hour period and are projected to save the UK millions of pounds in bills.

 

 

 

Instructor Dr Thomas Booker said: “This is a thermostat. It can sense the temperature.

 

“When set to, for example, 21 degrees, it will regulate the temperature of your home at 21 degrees by turning the heating off or on without – and this is important – any need for manual adjustment.

 

“If you are feeling a little cold and adjust it upwards to, say, 30 degrees, it will not provide a short-term boost of heat but will begin heating the entire home to tropical temperatures. The opposite will happen if adjusted down, though that’s of course entirely theoretical.

 

“The way to operate a thermostat is simply to choose the temperature you’re most comfortable with and to leave it alone and not touch it. Let me repeat that: pick a temperature, do not touch it and leave it alone.”

 

Attendee Donna Sheridan said: “Nah. I still don’t get it.”

[Gym Beglin]

I need to nick all this content and publish a book.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I need to nick all this content and publish a book.

 

50 shades of shite

[Harry Squatter]

Update on that woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

She's started a crowd funding page and needs £2500 for a dodgy American based publisher to release her stories. I think she's got about £30 so far.

[Captain Turdseye]

I have to apologise for being a bastard in her dreams.

 

Last night she was tossing and turning constantly, talking in her sleep, climbing all over me, pulling the quilt away and then she woke me up at 6am by rolling over and accidentally punching me in the mouth.

 

It wasn't her fault though, she was asleep.

[tokyojoe]

I have to apologise for being a bastard in her dreams.

 

Last night she was tossing and turning constantly, talking in her sleep, climbing all over me, pulling the quilt away and then she woke me up at 6am by rolling over and accidentally punching me in the mouth.

 

It wasn't her fault though, she was asleep.

I'd beem playing footie earlier that day and volleyed my ex during the night. That went down well.

[Captain Turdseye]

I'd beem playing footie earlier that day and volleyed my ex during the night. That went down well.

Why were you in bed with your ex last night?

[Trumo]

'Headers & Volleys' is very different when you're a grown up.

[Trumo]

Update on that woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

She's started a crowd funding page and needs £2500 for a dodgy American based publisher to release her stories. I think she's got about £30 so far.

 

Didn't she make millions from that Fifty Shades shite? oh wait, you're on about a different woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

EDIT: I know you're on about someone else. Was she the one who wrote about getting rattled by different blokes with the names of Blooshite players?

[Elite]

'Headers & Volleys' is very different when you're a grown up.

You must go to some kinky sex parties.

[Trumo]

You must go to some kinky sex parties.

 

Go to?

[Elite]

Go to?

Only for the headers, the volleys are far too painful.

[tokyojoe]

Why were you in bed with your ex last night?

This was over 20 years ago. Please pay attention.

[deiseach]

Are there still women out there who hate football?

[Harry Squatter]

Didn't she make millions from that Fifty Shades shite? oh wait, you're on about a different woman who wrote shit novels that were barely legible.

 

EDIT: I know you're on about someone else. Was she the one who wrote about getting rattled by different blokes with the names of Blooshite players?

Yes. Having a threesome with Russ Berkeley and Duncan Fergus. The names have been changed so no one will get onto it.