Awkward sexual experiences

[Remmie]

Having a good laugh reading some from a clickbait site, thought the GF is bound to have some belters. 

 

Here are some to get you started:

 

 

 

 

[littletedwest]

6) sounds a bit like a rapist.

[Bobby Hundreds]

7 actually was a rapist.

[Elite]

I think half of them are made up.

[Guest davelfc]

I think half of them are made up.

 

They all had sex, I bet they're well fucking made up. I'd be happy myself. 

[Bjornebye]

Id been trying to shag this girl in work for a while. You know the sort, not bird material but very very shagable. Came across innocent buy from time to time some smut would come out of her mouth and you would end up sat there with a semi on imagining your cock between her tits and a plethora of other oriental things you would do too her. (She wasn't oriental)

She had red hair (the dyed red type her original colour was dark), pale complexion , big juicy tits but a flat stomach, a fat girls are but slim legs. The works. Anyway id made it clear with eye code and the odd comment that if ever she wanted my cock, it was available.

Now I dont smoke weed that often. Ive not in about 5 years up until the other night (in-fact this may have been the last time). Id gone round my mates after work with a few cans to watch life of brian. Ended up extremely stoned and as I was leaving to get a taxi i get a txt asking where I am off this anna. Tell her im just leaving my mates so she asks me to pick her up. Anyway we end up back at hers and she is ripping mine and her clothes off and i quickly realise that I am absolutely fucked. Weed doesnt agree with my and when she starts sucking me off to try and get me hard i completely fuck up and run (limp) to the bog to throw up. Kills the moment completely but by this point im determined to have sex with her so after persuading her to give it one more go I climb on and proceed to give her the worst few minutes of her life. I them left and she was visibly pissed off.

We never spoke about it again.

[ZonkoVille77]

I was seeing this bird for a few weeks and finally got a chance to do it. As I entered her she started sobbing crying. I just stopped and said "what's wrong, is this your first time?" She said "no, it's like sleeping with my ex. As soon as you went in it reminded me of him" - fucking headcase. Still did like, after she chilled out.

 

Another one wanted me to pour beer all over her stomach, drink it then fuck her. Doesn't sound that bad, but she was thin and the beer just kept falling off saturating the bed. Every time. lying there in a beer soaked bed wasn't my idea of fun.

 

Another chick I was with used to slap her tits really hard and rough when giving me head. The sound of the slap of her tits, the gargling noises of her cock in my mouth and her moans were just funny.

[Trumo]

Id been trying to shag this girl in work for a while. You know the sort, not bird material but very very shagable. Came across innocent buy from time to time some smut would come out of her mouth and you would end up sat there with a semi on imagining your cock between her tits and a plethora of other oriental things you would do too her. (She wasn't oriental)

She had red hair (the dyed red type her original colour was dark), pale complexion , big juicy tits but a flat stomach, a fat girls are but slim legs. The works. Anyway id made it clear with eye code and the odd comment that if ever she wanted my cock, it was available.

Now I dont smoke weed that often. Ive not in about 5 years up until the other night (in-fact this may have been the last time). Id gone round my mates after work with a few cans to watch life of brian. Ended up extremely stoned and as I was leaving to get a taxi i get a txt asking where I am off this anna. Tell her im just leaving my mates so she asks me to pick her up. Anyway we end up back at hers and she is ripping mine and her clothes off and i quickly realise that I am absolutely fucked. Weed doesnt agree with my and when she starts sucking me off to try and get me hard i completely fuck up and run (limp) to the bog to throw up. Kills the moment completely but by this point im determined to have sex with her so after persuading her to give it one more go I climb on and proceed to give her the worst few minutes of her life. I them left and she was visibly pissed off.

We never spoke about it again.

 

Did you say Jehovah?

[melons]

Pulling a really fit bloke that was definitely out of my league but i'd fancied for ages, going back to his, seeing the size of his huge, and I mean huge cock and quickly having to find an excuse to leave before feeling obliged to do the deed. Bumping into him a few weeks later and him asking to finish where we left off had me avoiding mutual friends for quite some time. 

 

Seriously lads, size does matter and bigger isn't always better. Unless you're really tiny, like. 

[Bjornebye]

Pulling a really fit bloke that was definitely out of my league but i'd fancied for ages, going back to his, seeing the size of his huge, and I mean huge cock and quickly having to find an excuse to leave before feeling obliged to do the deed. Bumping into him a few weeks later and him asking to finish where we left off had me avoiding mutual friends for quite some time.

 

Seriously lads, size does matter and bigger isn't always better. Unless you're really tiny, like.

Its alright I had sex with the sofa as soon as you left

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

Its alright I had sex with the sofa as soon as you left

She sad HAD a huge cock, not WAS a huge cock.

[General Dryness]

Fucking hell Melons, you let him get his knob out and then left him swinging in the breeze? Bad form.

 

Especially when You've got the hardware to at least have given him a titwank.

[lifetime fan]

'Can I self harm when we're fucking?'

[General Dryness]

'Can I self harm when we're fucking?'

And what did she say?

[Captain Turdseye]

Another chick I was with used to slap her tits really hard and rough when giving me head. The sound of the slap of her tits, the gargling noises of her cock in my mouth and her moans were just funny.

Ha.

 

Awkward indeed.

[lifetime fan]

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/index.php?/topic/50088-one-night-stands/page-14

[Fowlers God]

I really hope pony princess comes back soon.

[lifetime fan]

Motorbike boots and mice.

[RedKnight]

This thread will be nothing until Doctor Troy pitches up with a few anecdotes.

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

Motorbike boots and mice.

Biker Mice from Mars.

[Dr Nowt]

Repost from similar thread previously:

 

Me and a mate pulled some foreign students down by the beach when we were 18/19.

They told us they were 16.

I quickly got fingers and tops.

Mate just snogged his, tried to get her behind the beach huts but she wasn't game.

Fizzled out, they left.

As we smoked and shared meagre war stories it occured to me that when you're younger, you never play your age down to older people (unless purposefully necking Jimmy Savile) and so 16 was going to be the best of it.  Started to worry myself about the legitimacy of mine's age claims, and the likelihood of me being a nonce.

Mate says, with all sincerity and fag hanging from gob, "Shit, I think you're right. Mine had a really small mouth."

[Rico1304]

I was in the boozer with a mate who he said he fancied a bird in there and sent me over to smooth the waters and see if she was up for a date, she fucked him off but said she'd go on one with me. Being a twat I said I'd take her out (to an SClub7 concert!) and we had a good night but couldn't go back to hers because she lived with her parents. Next weekend they were away so planned to go back to hers after the pub for a fuck but I got shitfaced and couldn't get it up. This then happened on 5 further occasions which I thought was hilarious. She got paranoid and asked if it was her fault, I said yes, it's never happened before and she kicked me out. The next Friday she walked into the pub to hear me telling my mates it was like putting toothpaste back in the tube and miming her gob chasing my limp dick. She went mental.

 

Fast forward 4 years and I was in a different pub with some mates and got talking to another group of blokes we played footy against. We went back to one blokes house after he phoned his bird for permission as she was out with her mates. We were fucking about and if I remember rightly I was upside down doing a head stand against a wall when in walks blow job bird, she burst into tears and screamed "get that bastard out of here"

[Paulie Dangerously]

Was doing a fat lass from the Wirral when I was about 18 and she was in her mid 20s. She said she'd never done anal so obviously when pissed I obliged. After kicking her back door in really hard I looked down and saw my cock was covered in a combination of spunk, her shit and some blood. Horrified I ran to the bathroom to wash it off in the sink and ended up puking on it too.

 

Her response was "well it was my arse, what did you expect?"

[lifetime fan]

Was doing a fat lass from the Wirral when I was about 18 and she was in her mid 20s. She said she'd never done anal so obviously when pissed I obliged. After kicking her back door in really hard I looked down and saw my cock was covered in a combination of spunk, her shit and some blood. Horrified I ran to the bathroom to wash it off in the sink and ended up puking on it too.

 

Her response was "well it was my arse, what did you expect?"

That's not the anal story we're all waiting to hear Paulie.

[lifetime fan]

I was in the boozer with a mate who he said he fancied a bird in there and sent me over to smooth the waters and see if she was up for a date, she fucked him off but said she'd go on one with me. Being a twat I said I'd take her out (to an SClub7 concert!) and we had a good night but couldn't go back to hers because she lived with her parents. Next weekend they were away so planned to go back to hers after the pub for a fuck but I got shitfaced and couldn't get it up. This then happened on 5 further occasions which I thought was hilarious. She got paranoid and asked if it was her fault, I said yes, it's never happened before and she kicked me out. The next Friday she walked into the pub to hear me telling my mates it was like putting toothpaste back in the tube and miming her gob chasing my limp dick. She went mental.

 

Fast forward 4 years and I was in a different pub with some mates and got talking to another group of blokes we played footy against. We went back to one blokes house after he phoned his bird for permission as she was out with her mates. We were fucking about and if I remember rightly I was upside down doing a head stand against a wall when in walks blow job bird, she burst into tears and screamed "get that bastard out of here"

Brilliant.

 

Well maybe not for you Mr. Floppy but it made me laugh.