What is the maddest thing your bird has done?

[Flying Pig]

This thread is the reason I can't leave this bleedin' forum. I've tried to go cold turkey but every few days I'm dragged back. Fucking ace thread. PS Where's Melons, the big tart?

 

Sent Telepathically.

 

 

[lifetime fan]

To be fair I should have caught on she was trouble when she wanted me to pretend I was breaking in when I come home from work, put a ski mask on, tie her up, gag her and abuse every hole.

You've had her too.

[lifetime fan]

She once said "why don't you make more effort? Suprise me now and then" Well i can take a hint. The next day, as she comes in from work, quick as a flash I jumped up and twatted her round the head with a pan. Boy was she suprised! It worked though, moments later she was bent over the sofa and I was nut deep up her arse- something she would never consider when she was conscious. Women, they might seem mad, but maybe we just need to listen.

HALL OF FAME.

[Carradona]

She forgot to put the sugar on my Weetabix once. Mad woman.

[Bjornebye]

knows full well all I like more than anything is to sit down with breakfast and the newspapers on a sunday morning and have a couple of hours to myself. . . . but still insists on shouting me, hoovering, cleaning up and then making a point of "i'm just going to clean the kitchen" just as i'm taking a mouthful. selfish fucking cunt 

[kidney]

She forgot to put the sugar on my Weetabix once. Mad woman.

Is that a euphamism son?  

I will be very disappointed if its not, lol

[Champ]

She forgot to put the sugar on my Weetabix once. Mad woman.

 

 

Is that a euphamism son?  

I will be very disappointed if its not, lol

 

That lads and Dads relationship is so very different from lads and their Mums.

Way too weird to think of having those kind of exchanges on here

[Skidfingers McGonical]

I went out on Friday with my mates in Chester but didn't tell my bird which ones I was going out with. My mate who lives in Crosby posted a picture up on Facebook but showed his location and as he tagged me in on it, my bird instantly assumed I wa with him in Crosby.

 

She said "you're a fucking liar, you are out in Crosby with Ste".

 

I said "no I'm in Chester"

 

She said "prove it"

 

I texted her a photo of the main street of Chester and she still didn't believe me.

 

The weird thing is that the photo he put up was from 1987 in my mates back garden, I had my school uniform on and long hair, my mate who is completely bald had a full head of ginger hair and was small and skinny.

 

I then texted her "you daft twat, I sold my delorean ages ago"

I love your stories Doc.

 

I always imagine you sitting like Peter O'Toole used to do on TFI Friday.

[Sugar Ape]

[Nunavut Patrick]

Repped for awesome Randy gif.

[Harry Squatter]

Was interviewing for new staff a few weeks ago, some lad on my team asked me if I had interviewed any fit ones, I said there were a few ok ones and then mentioned some bird with massive tits who had applied from another office. He kept asking me questions about her and then just randomly guessed her name. I said it was her, he starts shitting himself saying it was his ex and she is a fucking nutter. He also said if she got a job here he would ask for a transfer as she is well aware of where he works.

 

Said he took her on holiday spending £1500 quid on her, when they got back she said that she had been seeing another fella behind his back and only used him to go on holiday. When he called her a cheeky twat she threatened to phone the police on him saying he was battering her. When he left he found that his car bonnet had been keyed and screws banged into 2 of his tyres. A week later she randomly turned up at his sisters flat and filled her in despite always getting along with her. She also sent him texts saying her new fella would batter him. He has no idea why she went like this, he was made up when I told him she did shit at her interview.

[Bjornebye]

Was interviewing for new staff a few weeks ago, some lad on my team asked me if I had interviewed any fit ones, I said there were a few ok ones and then mentioned some bird with massive tits who had applied from another office. He kept asking me questions about her and then just randomly guessed her name. I said it was her, he starts shitting himself saying it was his ex and she is a fucking nutter. He also said if she got a job here he would ask for a transfer as she is well aware of where he works.

 

Said he took her on holiday spending £1500 quid on her, when they got back she said that she had been seeing another fella behind his back and only used him to go on holiday. When he called her a cheeky twat she threatened to phone the police on him saying he was battering her. When he left he found that his car bonnet had been keyed and screws banged into 2 of his tyres. A week later she randomly turned up at his sisters flat and filled her in despite always getting along with her. She also sent him texts saying her new fella would batter him. He has no idea why she went like this, he was made up when I told him she did shit at her interview.

Mate you should have given her the job just for a laugh

[Harry Squatter]

Unfortunately she was fucking awful, her massive tits couldn't compensate for it either.

[General Dryness]

Unfortunately she was fucking awful, her massive tits couldn't compensate for it either.

 

What did she do, shit on your desk and call your mum a cunt?

[Harry Squatter]

I would have given her the job there and then if she'd done that, providing she squat on the desk and gave me a good look at her minge.

[General Dryness]

I would have given her the job there and then if she'd done that, providing she squat on the desk and gave me a good look at her minge.

 

Did you make such a request, or were you waiting to see if she did it unasked? Kind of test of her initiatative, if you will.

 

"Whats going to get me this job? A flash of the old muffzilla, thats what!"

[halewood pete]

On holiday in olu. Deniz turkey a few years ago with another couple, and we go to the taxi rank for a ride home to hisaronu up the mountain,we are all well pissed and the taxi drivers are all sat on the wall smoking and chatting, so we go to the front taxi and start getting in.anyway,my wife goes to the front and mistakenly tries to get into the drivers side,forgetting they are left hand drive,I'm in the back by now with my mate and his wife,and the cab driver who is still sat on the wall and not making much effort to move laughs and waves as if to indicate 'you carry on love'.

Oh dear!She does no more than jump into a brand new automatic Mercedes taxi and drive off down the road,pursued by the driver,who is not laughing any more and me and my mate are screaming at her to stop (we have seen the film midnight express and didn't fancy a turkish prison cell)she stops after a while and we get thrown out,the driver didn't see the funny side and wouldn't take us home.The next driver in the rank dropped us home and said it was the funniest thing him and his mates had seen in a long time,and that the driver would never live it down.

[TheBitch]

That's fucking brilliant.

[halewood pete]

I have just told my wife that my chums on the forum quite liked the story of her turkish taxi theft caper,she's not happy! I said neither was the taxi driver,ha ha! 

[stringvest]

I have just told my wife that my chums on the forum quite liked the story of her turkish taxi theft caper,she's not happy! I said neither was the taxi driver,ha ha!

 

All I can say is thank fuck you weren't getting the bus home Pete

[halewood pete]

Also still on the auto crime theme,she recently drove my cousins car around new zealand whilst on holiday,blissfully unaware that it's a legal requirement over there to have your licence with you at all times,when my cousin asked her in passing if she had brought it with her she said no it was in the house,he said we'll we had better nip back and get it (we were based in Christchurch )and she says no,not your house,my house in halewood 11200 miles away!needless to say that brought an end to her new zealand road trip.

By the way,I have been around a bit and I have to tell you it's the most beautiful place Ive ever been,scenery, people,atmosphere, everything about it was great.Probably won't go again unless I win the lottery, but honestly, if you get a chance to go,you will not be disappointed 

[lifetime fan]

I had a 2 inch nipple hair that I'd nicknamed Harry, I used to shampoo him extra special and he'd come out on special occasions at parties to entertain the crowd. His fans loved him.

 

One night I'd annoyed her over something, probably shitting over the back of the pan, and she pulled Harry out when I was asleep.

 

Bitch.

 

Harry is back!

[Tony Moanero]

Pics of gtfo.

[Bjornebye]

She wants a Toyger as a moving in present. 

 

 

she is serious and all. already sent me links of breeders and shit. so i'll spend the next how ever many years getting scratched by a fucking mini tiger. well i'll be volleying the cunt all over southsea and the tiger 

[Mook]

What have you done?

 

I want a Toyger now.