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Flying Pig

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Everything posted by Flying Pig

  1. Flying Pig

    Two girls from Bootle.

    Does anyone remember that video going around of those 'Bootle Girls' going around a few years ago. I've just remembered how good it was. Anyone got a linkie. Ta, homos.
  2. Flying Pig

    The Royal Family.

    One word = Parasites. No one can tell me that Prince Harry isn't James Hewitts son. They all go around the world doing fuck all, paid by us! Anyone whose a royalist needs their head checking.
  3. Love this song. Haven't heard it for years. Thanks 'Ashes to Ashes'. YouTube - Take The Long Way Home
  4. Flying Pig

    Whisky

    Recommend me some red-eye please chaps. Only just got into the stuff and took a likening to it. PS. Although I'm ridiculous handsome and ooze sex, I am not made of money so keep your recommendation affordable. Ta.
  5. Flying Pig

    Viz Top Tips.

    One of life funniest things: WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains. MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught. GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching. DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again. CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid. SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you". MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway. ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day. SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings. TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan. SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence. TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks. WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment. CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack. HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone. SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place. YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist. PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife. FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended. HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times. FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction. SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags
  6. Flying Pig

    Father Ted

    I just got it. For years I dismissed it as average, but recently its grew on me. Anyone who doesn't laugh at "My Lovely Horse" is braindead. I can also include Oasis in that statement, although FT is slightly funnier the the Gallaghers. YouTube - Father Ted - My Lovely Horse
  7. Flying Pig

    Ricky Gervais

    Although I like Extras and his live stuff I can't help but wish he had stopped at 'The Office' which was superb. He seems to be becoming Peter Kay (ie Annoying fat cunt who believes his own hype and can't improve on his earlier work). Saw PK live few years ago but was dissapointed as most jokes seemed to come from his previous 'Blackpool tower' DVD. Also, Max and Paddy was overrated. The End. (Roaring Lion etc)
  8. Flying Pig

    Vegetarian recipes.

    Inspire by Da Pmantis fantastic thread, can anyone advise any vegetarian recipes that actually fill me up and are healthy. PS. No fish allowed!
  9. Flying Pig

    Darwin vs The Bible

    As the Theory of Evolution obviously contradicts the Adam and Eve story, what does everyone think is the correct 'answer' to the beginning of the earth creatures. Its obviously to me the Darwin's theory is clear to see with animal etc evolving and improving slightly over millions of years. As for the Bible, which was written by scribes hundreds of years later with no visible proof, I think its a great story by nothing else. I would like to be enlightened but I can't see it happening. Sorry G.R.
  10. Flying Pig

    Underrated British Comedy.

    Apart from the obvious successes of Black Adder etc, there are a few gems which go unnoticed and forgotten. I'll start with a few. What do you think. Thin Blue Line. Gimme Gimme Gimme. Early Doors. Anymore?
  11. Flying Pig

    Help with New York...

    I've gone and booked* a holiday in NYC next July 2014 and now have the slight worry of organising (paying for) flights to the Big Apple. I've heard various ideas about waiting 3 months before my arrival or booking asap 11 months before my holiday and am looking for advice when is the best time to arrange the flights etc. Cheers in advance, "Yo in the 'hood"! *booking.com, so I don't pay til we arrive so can cancel.
  12. Flying Pig

    Bored of my Username.

    Along with the 'Kop88, Kopite68?!?...etc' I have become bored with my username. Some advice is needed by my fellow TLW'ers (i.e You). Here are a few, scores out of ten, please. Or choose your own. 1. Athletes Foot. 2. Athletes cock. 3. fRED west. 4. Something for the ladies. 5. Lion ming. 6. Vermo 7. Red Perv. 8. The red 'Brad Pitt'. 9. Reddy Break. 10. The Cunt. 11. The End. The winner is my new best mate.
  13. Flying Pig

    Piano Lessons

    To add to my incredibly long list of great things that I can do badly, I am considering taking piano lessons. I can see the money that David Gray and (gods knows why) Elton John make and want a slice. If I start now I could be on a world tour by July. Has anybody taken piano lessons and did they pack it in after a while? Or can anyone recommend a decent teacher preferably in North Wales? Imagine how much more Melons would fancy me if I was great on the ivories. Thanks in advance homos.
  14. Flying Pig

    Brushing your teeth.

    I bought one of the electric ones and its the most boring thing in the world. I don't know why but its more satisfying brushing the normal way. Alternatively, are there any forumites on here with teeth like blackjacks?
  15. Flying Pig

    Adidas Trainers

    I am your wife. Now get to work lazy arse. Sent from my E6853 using Tapatalk
  16. I haven't managed to work out how to do a poll thingy, so therefore I put forward to you lot my favourite birds from TV (no movie stars allowed). In no particular order: 1. Dawn form The Office 2. Tanya from Eastenders. 3. Barbara Windsor from her Carry On days*. Each of the above would have a face like a plasterers radio if they were lucky enough to meet me. *OK, these were movies but fuck it, she was fit. PS. Anyone who slags any of theses three off are instantly turned into benders and will be asked to share changing rooms with rb14. Comments welcomed but not always agreed with.
  17. Flying Pig

    Adidas Trainers

    Just got these for my birthday. Always a classic. Sent from my E6853 using Tapatalk
  18. Flying Pig

    Liverpool Comicon on this weekend 11th March

    Boss that. I'm robbing it for my twitter profile pic. Ta la. Sent from my E6853 using Tapatalk
  19. Flying Pig

    Random musical chat.

    No Bucks Fizz? Sent from my E6853 using Tapatalk
  20. Flying Pig

    The Office

    David Brent: This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it Sanj: I don't, must be someone else David Brent: Oh, sorry, it's the other one... Sanj: The other what... P**i? David Brent: Ah, that's racist.
  21. Flying Pig

    Meerkat / Periscope, anyone?

    This is currently live on Meerkat. I'm excited at what these live streams could bring.
  22. Sorry, if been mentioned before (on mobile and can't see everything). Is anyone into these yet? Can see it greatly affecting live sports and porn if it becomes as popular as twitter.
  23. Flying Pig

    Meerkat / Periscope, anyone?

    I can Sammy, but that selfish Yorkshire bastard won't drive 80 miles from By-eckers-like-shire. Its always ' me, me, me' with him.
  24. Flying Pig

    Meerkat / Periscope, anyone?

    Oh BTW, I've tried Meerkat as Periscope isn't on android yet and its a bit shite at the moment (on Beta). Give it time amigos. I'll be able to watch Lurtzy ironing his jockstrap live.
  25. Flying Pig

    Meerkat / Periscope, anyone?

    Hopefully it'll be porn and that game with men in red kicking leather balls on a field (just can't remember its name). Maybe 'sports' season tickets will be something I won't need to stress over especially with GroPro's showing HD footage and superb battery life and linked to mobile data. Viva la meerket!
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