The world of a woman.

[manwiththestick]

Me and the wife are decorating our living room so tonight i bring home one of those industrial wallpaper strippers. I let her crack on with the stripper and i'll use the old scrape and elbow grease and she asks me how to use it so i tell her to fill it with water, plug it in and wait for the steam to come out and away you go.

 

Anyway i carry on at my end of the room and after about 5 minutes she says that it mustn't be working as nothing is happening, so i ask her if she's filled it with water "yes" she says so i ask has she plugged it it "yes, of course" she says. So i go over to have a look and she's only plugged it into the fucking plug tidy on the stripper!

 

Just aswell she's fit and likes sex.

[gramby]

The other week a friend told me and my wife that the computer shop in the village was just a front for other business activities. We went past the other night to which my wife shouted at me that my mate is a liar and there is a light on in the shop and people in there.

[Alan Sex]

[Alan Sex]

[RedinSweden]

Nice one from my mother-in-law the other day. We were discussing animated films and i said i always watch the english version as part of the charm is often the voice of the actor that they have in the role, sometimes even making them look similar and you don't get that in the Swedish dubbed version.

 

She said "Why, do they not use the same actors?"

 

She is a librarian.

[Stu Monty]

Nice one from my mother-in-law the other day. We were discussing animated films and i said i always watch the english version as part of the charm is often the voice of the actor that they have in the role, sometimes even making them look similar and you don't get that in the Swedish dubbed version.

 

She said "Why, do they not use the same actors?"

 

She is a librarian.

 

I don't believe in all that horoscope nonsense anyway.

[RedinSweden]

I don't believe in all that horoscope nonsense anyway.

 

very good Stu.

 

By the way, i shamelessly nicked your german comedians timing joke at my last gig. I hadn't planned to, it just came out as i was turning on the timer on my phone. Please forgive me.

[Fobbie_Rowler]

8 or 10 year sago we had a blonde in the office, brought it up one lunchtime that she'd moved house and bought a new telly and she was going to town after work to buy a "horses head" for the top of it?????

 

Turns out she needed a set of "Rabbits Ears"???????????

[sparta7]

My missus when we are in the car.

 

"Shall I turn off here?"

"yes hun we live here"

[tokyojoe]

I was waiting on the station platform and this woman comes hobbling along, and looked in a considerable amount of pain. Goes up to her (other female) mate, and the following conversation ensued:

 

Mate: Are you alright, have you had an accident?

Woman: No, new shoes.

Mate: Ooooooh...

 

They just both seemed to think it was perfectly rational. Daft bints.

[Liverpool lad]

An ex of mine: 'I remember when we first started going out you were dead nice to me, you used to make a bacon butty if I came to yours in the morning'

 

Me: 'Do you want a bacon butty then?'

 

An ex of mine: 'No I am cutting down'

[old skool tom]

Apologies for another f**tball reference here:

 

I was watching the last European Cup Final at home with my mum and dad and after the match, the cameras showed Messi with a medal round his neck holding the trophy. I sighed 'I can't believe he's only a few months older than me and he's a European Champion'. My mum turned to me and said 'Yeah, but I'll bet he's never going to come out of uni with an English degree like you.'

 

Words just failed me.

 

aaagh bless her

 

thats what all good mums should say though...........although it is rather thick!

[old skool tom]

i love this thread. i dont feel alone!

 

thanks to every single one of you guys!

[old skool tom]

over heard my sister was talking to her mate about her first date.

 

my sis "so how did it go then Mellisa?"

 

her mate "it was ok it went well.after we smashed the glass it was great"

 

my sis "do you mean after you 'broke the ice' Mel?"

 

 

theyre incredible beings

[Dan Vito Corleone]

A few weeks ago in HMV in Manchester:

 

AP: Look at that, there's the new version of Monopoly.

 

Mrs AP: What's new about it?

 

AP: It's done electronically. When you pass go, £200 gets put into your account.

 

Mrs AP: Into your REAL bank account?!

 

 

*facepalm*

 

A lot of you have met Mrs AP as well, she's extremely intelligent which makes that all the more ridiculously stupid.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

A couple of snippets from work today, good ol' blonde girl: "ay, Alan, you know with this tv switch over stuff, I know I'll lose my channels upstairs but can I still watch a dvd ??" and I overheard a fat girl say "oh, I'm no good with calories", fo sho', I thought.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Another classic, one of her best yet, she's just shouted out, "has somebody swithched my keys around on my keyboard" she started getting all worked up when I denied it, I came over to see what was up and she said "look, I'm writing in this National Insurance number and it keeps putting a W instead of a V", basically she was pressing V twice, which made it looking like a W, deleting one V pressing V again and making the W again, I despair.

[Fowlers God]

Just got off the phone to the mrs. She says are you having a nice day at work darling?

 

I said no I am having an argument with excel. She said who is she I havent met her have I?

 

Words failed me,

[Guest davelfc]

Just got off the phone to the mrs. She says are you having a nice day at work darling?

 

I said no I am having an argument with excel. She said who is she I havent met her have I?

 

Words failed me,

 

Surely you mean 'Word' failed you?

[dirty_sanchez]

Surely you mean 'Word' failed you?

 

Shame you had to Powerpoint that out to him.

[Fowlers God]

Surely you mean 'Word' failed you?

 

Shame you had to Powerpoint that out to him.

 

oh dear.

[RedinSweden]

Surely you mean 'Word' failed you?

 

Brilliant.

[Redder Lurtz]

oh dear.

 

They're only having a laugh. Less of the bleak Outlook.

[Dr.Filth]

I've just remembered another classic from the missus a few years ago, I may well have posted it on here at the time actually.

 

We bought some cordless twin phones for the house and a day or so later we had to nip out to pick our daughter up from somewhere.

 

So we pick her up, she gets in the back and then asks us what the phone is doing in the car. I had no idea what she was on about until my missus says, "Oh, I brought it with us incase someone phoned us while we were out!!!!"

 

Me and my daughter were pissing ourselves all the way home.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Surely you mean 'Word' failed you?

 

Shame you had to Powerpoint that out to him.

 

Some joke about Access.