Best Simpsons quotes ever!

[Neil G]

From the Crimson Tide spoof, where Homer is having dinner with the submarine captain and his officers, and is struggling to serve himself the peas:

 

Captain Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?

Homer: I want peas!

Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.

Homer: Uh huh.

Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?

Homer: With a knife!

Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

[Neil G]

Homer lecturing Bart after he steals the Bonestorm video game:

 

'How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Heeheeheehee!'

[biggit]

Sideshow Bob

"Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?"

 

Homer to lisa

 

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand"

 

Kang (as Bob Dole)

 

Kang: Abortions for all.

[crowd boos]

Very well, no abortions for anyone.

[crowd boos]

Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

[kop]

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"

 

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal:

You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

 

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"

 

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

 

"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!"

 

"I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming."

 

"They have the Internet on computers, now?"

[Kevin D]

Homer: The whole towns laughing at me, like that cat. Bart kill that cat... While I'm gone keep an eye on that wierd looking kid.

Marge: You mean bart?

Homer: Yeah " Bart".

[Kevin D]

I almost forgot.

 

Fat Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. See my wife has been most vocal on the subject of the money. Where is da money , when are you going to get da money , why aren't you out getting da money now and so on. So please , da money.

[Red Mist]

I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

[Tom R]

Marge: Someone perform CPR!

Homer: (sings) “I see, a bad moon rising!”

Marge: Thats CCR not CPR!

[Dicko]

Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk...I'm the Hulk AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH......

Comic Book Guy: Oh please you couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.

[SammyAftershave]

Personal favourites:

 

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?

Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...

[laughs hysterically]

Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

 

 

Homer: You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

[aladdinsane]

SIDESHOW BOB: "Oh come, now. You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at clown college?"

CECIL: "I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."

[Faustus]

Homer: "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns and I believe a letter has come for me."

Post office worker: "Ok, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?

Homer: "I...don't...know."

[Guest simon]

"To start press any key,

I see esc, catarl and pigup. There don't seem to be any any key"

[Paulie Dangerously]

"When Marge said she was joining the cops I thought it would be funny and exciting, you know like that movie Spaceballs, but instead it's been painful and distubing like that movie Police Academy"

[Paulie Dangerously]

From the Crimson Tide spoof, where Homer is having dinner with the submarine captain and his officers, and is struggling to serve himself the peas:

 

Captain Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?

Homer: I want peas!

Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.

Homer: Uh huh.

Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?

Homer: With a knife!

Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

 

That episode is class

 

Navy Trainer: Listen up Simpson, You don't like me and I don't like you

Homer: I like you

NT: Ok well you like me but I don't like you!

Homer: Maybe you'd like me better if you got to know me

NT: What are you some sort of comedian?

Homer: Well I can do a good Columbo (coughs) Just one more..thi...I best go get some water

 

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. Any questions?

Homer: Is the poop deck really what I think it is?

Captain Tenille: (laughs) Son I like the cut of your jib

Homer: What's a jib?

Captain Tenille: Give that man a promotion

[Ezekiel 25:17]

I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to you." - Abe Simpson

 

"What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking something like "No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something." [Marge: Go Crazy?] "Don't mind if I do!" (goes crazy) - Homer Simpson, My favourite.

 

"Whats a wedding? Websters dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden." - Homer Simpson

 

"Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It?s all lies. But they?re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No."

 

"I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson

 

"Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions." - Abe Simpson

 

"Now will you unhook this already, I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment !!"

!BUZZ!

 

“Moe on the lie detector test”

 

"Hello Moe's, home of the largest small screen T.V." - Moe

 

"I'd expect that kind of language in Denny's, but certainly not here!!!" - Flanders after Moe screws up with his restaurant idea

[ReddOrDedd]

When Marge is telling Homer off for deciding that he no longer wants to go to church:

 

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is...err.. I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about... He drove that blue car.

[Tyler Durden]

Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.

 

Seymour Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

[Chalmers enters and puts a bottle of wine on the table. Skinner walks into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the oven. He opens the oven, and the roast bursts into flames.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, yegods, my roast is ruined!

[skinner looks out the kitchen window at the Krusty Burger across the street.]

 

Seymour Skinner: But what if … I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho ho ho ho … delightfully devlish, Seymour.

[skinner begins to climb out the window but stops when Chalmers enters the kitchen.]

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour!

 

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I was just … just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, that isn’t smoke. It’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Mmmmm, steamed clams.

[skinner runs aross the street to Krusty Burger, and returns to the dining room with a tray of hamburgers.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes, it’s a regional dialect.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?

 

Seymour Skinner: Uhh … Upstate New York.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I’m from Utica, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase ’steamed hams.’

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No, it’s an Albany expression.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: I see.

[Chalmers bites into a steamed ham.]

 

Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams …

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes …

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

 

Seymour Skinner: You know I— One thing I sh— Excuse me for one second.

[skinner walks into the kitchen and returns to the dining room.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I’m pooped.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be— Good lord, what is happening in there?

 

Seymour Skinner: Aurora Borealis?

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?

 

Seymour Skinner: No

 

Agnes Skinner: Seymour, the house is on fire!

 

Seymour Skinner: No, Mother. It’s just the Northern Lights.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

 

 

Bit long like but this is one of the funniest scenes ever for me.

[The Celtic Way]

Homer lecturing Bart after he steals the Bonestorm video game:

 

'How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Heeheeheehee!'

 

Quality !! Captain Whatshisname, nearly spat juice over the PC reading that.

[Paulie Dangerously]

Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.

 

Seymour Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

[Chalmers enters and puts a bottle of wine on the table. Skinner walks into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the oven. He opens the oven, and the roast bursts into flames.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, yegods, my roast is ruined!

[skinner looks out the kitchen window at the Krusty Burger across the street.]

 

Seymour Skinner: But what if … I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho ho ho ho … delightfully devlish, Seymour.

[skinner begins to climb out the window but stops when Chalmers enters the kitchen.]

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour!

 

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I was just … just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, that isn’t smoke. It’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Mmmmm, steamed clams.

[skinner runs aross the street to Krusty Burger, and returns to the dining room with a tray of hamburgers.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes, it’s a regional dialect.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?

 

Seymour Skinner: Uhh … Upstate New York.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I’m from Utica, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase ’steamed hams.’

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No, it’s an Albany expression.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: I see.

[Chalmers bites into a steamed ham.]

 

Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

 

Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams …

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes …

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

 

Seymour Skinner: You know I— One thing I sh— Excuse me for one second.

[skinner walks into the kitchen and returns to the dining room.]

 

Seymour Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I’m pooped.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be— Good lord, what is happening in there?

 

Seymour Skinner: Aurora Borealis?

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

 

Seymour Skinner: Yes.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?

 

Seymour Skinner: No

 

Agnes Skinner: Seymour, the house is on fire!

 

Seymour Skinner: No, Mother. It’s just the Northern Lights.

 

Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.

 

 

Bit long like but this is one of the funniest scenes ever for me.

 

Skinner and his crazy explanations

Superindent's gonna need his medications

[Hermes]

Bart to Homer:

 

"Your website is the top none-porn site visited worldwide...............and 10,000,001 overall".

[Acid]

Homer - Im impressed, and Im not easily impressed.... OOH LOOK, BLUE CAR!!

 

Homer: Wheres your hippy van??

Hippy 1: We sold it

Hippy 2: Yeaa, the 60's kinda ended the day we sold that van...

Hippy 1: Yep, December 31st, 1969.

 

Abe: He wore sneakers... for sneaking.

[Ian Sea]

I love the Super Sour Ball scene.

 

Professor Frink; Who ate the Super Sour Ball?

 

Homer, with face sucked in; (Muffled) I don't know.

 

Genius.

[Zé Pequeno]

Homer: "Oh, I hate press conferences."

[Charles Penrose]

This thread reminds me why I used to love The Simpsons. At its peak it blew the likes of South Park and Family Guy out of the water.

 

Sadly, the current episodes remind me why I now hate The Simpsons.