Grieving

[Paul]

On 10/19/2018 at 3:16 PM, SilverSong said:

My wife and I lost the younger of our twin boys shortly before their 1st birthday. 22 years ago on the 27th of this month. I had just turned 25 and the Mrs was 21. It changed both of us so profoundly that I doubt we know who either of us might have been. Probably amazing that we are still together. Guess love makes us stronger hey.

I’m about as emotionally self-aware and resilient as anyone I know and I’ve coped well (in my opinion) with the deaths of close grandparents and also a very close mate from a brain tumour thirteen years ago.

 

However, I know - know in a way I can’t explain or prove - that losing one of my two kids would floor me in a manner I’m not sure I’d come back from. I find even the idea of it deeply unsettling and upsetting. It’s just not life’s natural order for a child to go before a parent. 

 

My entire sense of self is deeply wrapped up in my relationship to children, both as a teacher and as a parent. In fact, I found it emotionally harder dealing with the deaths of two different kids in my year groups when I was a head of year than I did with those of my own grandparents.   

 

In short, fair play to you for finding a way to cope with your bereavement. It’s heartening that you link it in some way to your relationship with your wife. Grief is a deeply personal thing but in my view all emotions are better processed when shared with other people. 

[Remmie]

This thread is lovely and horrible in equal measures. The child deaths are especially tragic and I remember reading about Robslappa's daughter passing away on here and feeling vicarious pain. I just can't imagine or even contemplate how you get over that, it makes you feel that bit more nervous and protective around your own child. 

 

I'm reading all this having had an amazing time being best man for a 5th time, to my brother in Australia. It makes you realise that you need to make the most of the highs and the day to day. 

 

 

[Remmie]

To the person who wondered about the efficacy of counselling, it's not about any profound questions they ask, it's about having someone who'll listen. OK there are family and friends who'll do that but sometimes people and especially men feel uncomfortable talking about their loss to someone close. 

 

I would like to think I am approachable to discuss grief and loss but a counsellor would be much more skilled at probing at the right subjects and deflecting away from the raw stuff that some may not be able to deal with yet. 

 

 

[suzy]

23 hours ago, Remmie said:

To the person who wondered about the efficacy of counselling, it's not about any profound questions they ask, it's about having someone who'll listen. OK there are family and friends who'll do that but sometimes people and especially men feel uncomfortable talking about their loss to someone close. 

 

I would like to think I am approachable to discuss grief and loss but a counsellor would be much more skilled at probing at the right subjects and deflecting away from the raw stuff that some may not be able to deal with yet. 

 

 

I get that but we were offered a meeting with a counselling after we lost our daughter at the hospital she died in. Off we went on a hour long train journey to see a woman who basically wrung her hands and said ‘how awful for you’ She said she’d seen us in the hospital and didn’t come in the room because there ‘seemed a nice family vibe ‘ she didn’t want to disturb or something.

I'm not saying people shouldn’t go to counselling at all but in our case it just seemed a waste of a day. I must admit I have a lot of friends who I could talk to. Talking is definitely good.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Almost 24 hours on and I'm still crushed, absolutely 100% flattened, broken, crushed, in pieces. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket of numbness and dive deep into an infinite well of nothingness. That vacuum, that void is still incomparable to the love and the goodness which was ripped out of me in the early hours.

I'll smile, I'll function, I'll go on but I'm hanging on by a gossamer thread. How is it even possible to miss a person this much? To love a person so profoundly?

 

Heartbroken, I miss my little mam.

[TheHowieLama]

Some stuff you don't need to think about too deeply - you just know. Nothing was taken away from you - you still have it all. 

My Dad passed two years ago. He wasn't comfortable - he was comforting, but not comfortable. There is a difference.

[the chimp]

8 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Almost 24 hours on and I'm still crushed, absolutely 100% flattened, broken, crushed, in pieces. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket of numbness and dive deep into an infinite well of nothingness. That vacuum, that void is still incomparable to the love and the goodness which was ripped out of me in the early hours.

I'll smile, I'll function, I'll go on but I'm hanging on by a gossamer thread. How is it even possible to miss a person this much? To love a person so profoundly?

 

Heartbroken, I miss my little mam.

Aw mate, I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you and sending on my deepest condolences.

[Elite]

It's truly horrible and completely overwhelming but let all those emotions out. Time does heal but you've just at lost the person that brought you into this world so you are going to be broken and cry/be angry a lot of the time but you'll get through this mate.

[sh#t waffle]

It's the biggest cliche going, but it will get easier in time mate. The pain will never leave you - it'll be five years in March since my dad died and random things still happen which set me off - but then you wouldn't want it to be gone completely anyway.

 

the one thing I would say to you is to not beat yourself up at any point for the way you might feel, take it easy on yourself. Don't feel guilty if you're not thinking of her 24/7, or if you feel like watching football, or anything really. There's just no right and wrong way to grieve.

[Champ]

9 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

Almost 24 hours on and I'm still crushed, absolutely 100% flattened, broken, crushed, in pieces. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket of numbness and dive deep into an infinite well of nothingness. That vacuum, that void is still incomparable to the love and the goodness which was ripped out of me in the early hours.

I'll smile, I'll function, I'll go on but I'm hanging on by a gossamer thread. How is it even possible to miss a person this much? To love a person so profoundly?

 

Heartbroken, I miss my little mam.

The other stuff can wait. I’m just giving you my best virtual bear hug, Carvs xx

[littletedwest]

46 minutes ago, sh#t waffle said:

It's the biggest cliche going, but it will get easier in time mate. The pain will never leave you - it'll be five years in March since my dad died and random things still happen which set me off - but then you wouldn't want it to be gone completely anyway.

 

the one thing I would say to you is to not beat yourself up at any point for the way you might feel, take it easy on yourself. Don't feel guilty if you're not thinking of her 24/7, or if you feel like watching football, or anything really. There's just no right and wrong way to grieve.

So sorry to hear about your mum cd. Everyone grieves differently but the advice above is as similar to my experience of grief.

 

My dad died 18 months ago , some days I wake up in tears still. I feel its fundamentally changed me as a person. 

But you still have the memories. Just try to look after yourself as that's what your mum would have wanted

 

[easytoslip]

On 18/10/2018 at 22:53, Carvalho Diablo said:

When we lose a loved one or a friend, what's it like to grieve? I mean really grieve ?

 

Is grief healthy? What forms  does it take and has it taken in your lives? Is there a "normal" period of time to grieve or can the mourning of a loved one last for decades?

Has anyone received any counseling to help them overcome the loss of a loved one? What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with loss?

Do any of you have anything which triggers your grief; thoughts, emotions, feelings of loss and despair?

 

Wondered if perhaps some of our own tales of coping and living with grief, perhaps even triumph over it, might inspire or comfort those amongst us who are having a shit time and going through it.

 

Thankyou fine people of the Mighty GF.

Sorry for your loss, I lost my younger sister 18 months ago, which was pretty traumatic even though it might not show at first as you're doing what you have to do, then one day it will come out, as someone said we are all different in dealing with grief. 

I then lost a good mate, familiar on here, and a cousin, and I thought about how it's getting closer and how I'll deal with it when my mum and Dad go, which is sooner rather than later, a constant worry. 

There's no answer, things will get better but you will always grieve though less so in time, and you have to take it as a fact of life which isn't easy in itself, it's just a bastard, an inevitable bastard. 

Decent memories help, you can't forget, I've a picture of my sister on the side so I'm reminded of her each day and give her a wink, stupid that may sound but still. 

I wish you all the best and I'm sure whatever way you deal with it, it will be OK in the end. 

[Carvalho Diablo]

Giving this thread a boot, mainly because I wasn't sure where else to put this.

 

Currently sat at home with a cup of coffee, waiting for the Asda delivery to arrive.

 

It's been just over 2 years since my Ma died and I've just felt the need to give her a call, ask how she's doing, chat shit, tell a joke, have a laugh, just hear her voice.

 

Of course I didn't, cos she's dead, but I still miss her and think about her every single day and that makes me both happy and sad.

 

It does get easier. Rest in Peace Ma.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

That'll happen even when you think you've come to terms with it.  Grief sneaks up on you, like a sneaky bastard sneaking thing in sneakers. It's the price you pay for having loved someone.

[Creator Supreme]

I'm still waiting for the grief of my ma going to hit me properly. Its been over 5 weeks now, and I haven't shed a single tear.

 

As my sister said, we lost her about 2 years ago when the dementia really set in, so maybe we've done a lot of the grieving already.

 

I am waiting for it to sneak up on me though!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Sorry to hear that, mate. If you're anything like me, it really will hit you at the most unexpected time. I got through my mum's funeral without crying, then got hit with a wave of debilitating sadness months later when I was sat at home watching Singin' in the Rain - just at the moment Debbie Reynolds starts singing "Good Morning", which is one of the most joyous sounds ever recorded.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

It'll be the 20th anniversary next year of my mums death, was really horrible circumstances and I don't think you ever truly get over things like that, it without question shaped my life from then but there's no sadness anymore, just a lot of thought about what I was deprived of my whole life, was never able to take care of her or give her things she never had, lost my dad when I was 12 too but had an amazing mother figure there and father figure to an extent.  Age and maturity brings coping mechanisms you can only dream of when you're young.

[Creator Supreme]

1 hour ago, AngryOfTuebrook said:

Sorry to hear that, mate. If you're anything like me, it really will hit you at the most unexpected time. I got through my mum's funeral without crying, then got hit with a wave of debilitating sadness months later when I was sat at home watching Singin' in the Rain - just at the moment Debbie Reynolds starts singing "Good Morning", which is one of the most joyous sounds ever recorded.

My arl girl loved Elvis, so I'm scared to listen to any of his songs at present in case they set me off.

[halewood pete]

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

[Creator Supreme]

5 minutes ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

Sorry for your loss mate, take care of yourself.

[Bjornebye]

19 minutes ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

Thoughts with you mate 

[Harry's Lad]

21 minutes ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

Sorry for your loss mate. Thoughts are with you.

[ZonkoVille77]

51 minutes ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Carvalho Diablo]

55 minutes ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

So sorry for your loss Pete.

 

Take care of yourself and be with your family if you can. Everything else is window dressing.

[NoelM]

2 hours ago, halewood pete said:

Sat holding my mums hand while she slipped away in whiston hospital. Heart attack,good innings 84.worst day of my life so far.

 

Sincere condolences to you and your family Pete, take care of yourselves.