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Carvalho Diablo

Grieving

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When we lose a loved one or a friend, what's it like to grieve? I mean really grieve ?

 

Is grief healthy? What forms  does it take and has it taken in your lives? Is there a "normal" period of time to grieve or can the mourning of a loved one last for decades?

Has anyone received any counseling to help them overcome the loss of a loved one? What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with loss?

Do any of you have anything which triggers your grief; thoughts, emotions, feelings of loss and despair?

 

Wondered if perhaps some of our own tales of coping and living with grief, perhaps even triumph over it, might inspire or comfort those amongst us who are having a shit time and going through it.

 

Thankyou fine people of the Mighty GF.

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I guess every person & situation is different.

 

My personal experience.  I recently lost someone very close to me, who had been ill & in pain for a long time.  I was terrified of losing that person.  But when it happened, it was actually more relief that they were now pain free & at peace that it was over.  So just try to remember the good times.

 

But I knew that person was going to be gone after a long period of time, so it probably helped me cope a lot better.

 

A sudden shock death I think would be a real shock to the system & I haven't had too much experience of that thankfully.  Then I think it would be very different.

 

Hope you're OK.

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Lost my mum when I was 27, I never really confronted it and still really haven’t  to this day , I’m 53 now, don’t really know what to tell you mate, it’s just always there in the background  for me, it’s just part of life and there’s simply nothing you can do about it you just have to carry it, sorry I can’t be of any help but I hope you find a way.

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Hope you are ok CD. I don't think their is an answer as everyone grieves different. It can take ages to hit or it can hit you straight away. Be well. 

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As Stig says, I hope you’re ok CD. I’ve lost grandparents and great aunts and uncles. To be honest, I’ve been a little bit worried about my reaction to it in the past because I’ve just taken it in my stride and not really been affected by it, not even shedding a tear even though I loved them. In itself, reading with the way others are affected, I think it’s a bit weird.

 

Sorry, but this isn’t really any help to you.

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I’ve lost three close family members, including my Mum and Dad in the last few years. It. Fucking. Sucks. 

 

I dont know if one person’s story of grief can help much, as it’s taken so differently by the individual. For me, talking it through with friends and family helped. I’m sure a councillor would help too. 

 

My inbox is always open to those who want to talk. 

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Have you listened to Cariad Lloyd’s Griefcast?  

 

Lots of people talking about losing someone significant in their lives, how it impacted them and their grief.  Supposed to have helped a lot of people going through what you’re experiencing.  

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6 hours ago, Bjornebye said:

Hope you are ok CD. I don't think their is an answer as everyone grieves different. It can take ages to hit or it can hit you straight away. Be well. 

This is how loss can knock your whole world upside down: it takes you to a place where Stig talks a lot of sense.

 

Stig.

 

Fucksake.

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My last remaining grandparent died two weeks ago and I have found long distance grieving to be quite an odd/difficult process. I guess partly it was a feeling of helplessness for the last few days she was alive, and now some degree of "wasn't there" (both for her, and my mother) guilt.

 

I missed the immediacy of the build up to her death, and this has had some impact on how I feel now.

 

Not really any rules or guidelines for stuff like this.

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44 minutes ago, AngryofTuebrook said:

This is how loss can knock your whole world upside down: it takes you to a place where Stig talks a lot of sense.

 

Stig.

 

Fucksake.

Thems the breaks 

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9 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

When we lose a loved one or a friend, what's it like to grieve? I mean really grieve ?

 

Is grief healthy? What forms  does it take and has it taken in your lives? Is there a "normal" period of time to grieve or can the mourning of a loved one last for decades?

Has anyone received any counseling to help them overcome the loss of a loved one? What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with loss?

Do any of you have anything which triggers your grief; thoughts, emotions, feelings of loss and despair?

 

Wondered if perhaps some of our own tales of coping and living with grief, perhaps even triumph over it, might inspire or comfort those amongst us who are having a shit time and going through it.

 

Thankyou fine people of the Mighty GF.

Hey buddy, grieving is a natural process we go through and often we grieve anywhere up to 3-6 months. It's between this period that we often look (and suggest counselling) as if we're still in the 'loop' it often helps to get professional support. You can find information on bereavement here: https://web.ntw.nhs.uk/selfhelp/leaflets/Bereavement A4 2016 FINAL.pdf

 

There will be many counselling services in your area, usually Cruise is the leading service: https://www.cruse.org.uk/cruse-areas-and-branches

 

Let me know if you need any further help. 

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My niece died 13 years ago after only living for about 6 hours after being born. It took me at least 5 years before I was able to speak about it to anyone, even my sister who's child it was. I've never gotten over the funeral and haven't been able to attend one since. Burying a child just isn't right, even though I'm rational enough to realise it's a part of life. My sister has pretty much been on and off anti-depressants since. I've never really grieved properly over it and I honestly don't know how to, no matter who I speak to. I dread the day my mother passes away. My stomach actually feels sick now typing this. 

 

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3 hours ago, Anubis said:

As Stig says, I hope you’re ok CD. I’ve lost grandparents and great aunts and uncles. To be honest, I’ve been a little bit worried about my reaction to it in the past because I’ve just taken it in my stride and not really been affected by it, not even shedding a tear even though I loved them. In itself, reading with the way others are affected, I think it’s a bit weird.

 

Sorry, but this isn’t really any help to you.

 

I'm exactly the same. I don't know why that is because I'm an emotional person normally. 

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I hope you're ok, CD.

 

My dad died suddenly a couple of years ago, and I would agree with those that say it's different for every person.

 

My best mate lost his mum when he was only 20, while another mate's sister died a few years ago, and several other friends have lost parents after long illnesses. I would say that I probably feel more comfortable speaking to them about it than mates who have not experienced grief, yet all our experiences are completely different. I feel most comfortable speaking to my wife or my younger brother about my feelings, but even my mum and elder brother have grieved in very different ways to me.

 

One thing I have found really tough is that my lack of any sense of spirituality means I don't feel my dad's presence, I don't feel like he is watching me or aware of any achievements I might make - never have I more wished I was religious, and felt that sense of comfort, than in the year after he died.

 

This is the most cliched thing to say, but it does get easier - it simply has to. But you never truly get over it, and nor would I want to, frankly.

 

Oh, and I did do some counselling in the months after, but it wasn't with a grief counsellor and so I didn't find it particularly useful.

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5 hours ago, ZonkoVille77 said:

My niece died 13 years ago after only living for about 6 hours after being born. It took me at least 5 years before I was able to speak about it to anyone, even my sister who's child it was. I've never gotten over the funeral and haven't been able to attend one since. Burying a child just isn't right, even though I'm rational enough to realise it's a part of life. My sister has pretty much been on and off anti-depressants since. I've never really grieved properly over it and I honestly don't know how to, no matter who I speak to. I dread the day my mother passes away. My stomach actually feels sick now typing this. 

 

My wife and I lost the younger of our twin boys shortly before their 1st birthday. 22 years ago on the 27th of this month. I had just turned 25 and the Mrs was 21. It changed both of us so profoundly that I doubt we know who either of us might have been. Probably amazing that we are still together. Guess love makes us stronger hey.

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My mum died when I was 19 after being struck by a car as a pedestrian. I’m not sure whether I’d have rather it been the relatively instantaneous thing that it was or go through what my mate did and see his mum slip away from Cancer over about a year. 

 

I ended up dealing pretty well with a series of incidents in my working life pretty well (including having to tell a young family their loved one had died in the very same room I’d been told my own mum was going to die) but then broke down a few years ago when describing my favourite childhood Christmas to my girlfriend. The first time I’d properly cried since the accident. 

 

Quite often I make jokes about it now and don’t regard myself as sensitive about it at all. I still hate being the person people will remember as giving them the bad news as I have to do a couple of times a year now. I absolutely hate it and it affects me just as badly every time I have to do it. 

 

I think what gets me most now is knowing she won’t see my kids and how much they’d have loved her. 

 

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20 minutes ago, SilverSong said:

My wife and I lost the younger of our twin boys shortly before their 1st birthday. 22 years ago on the 27th of this month. I had just turned 25 and the Mrs was 21. It changed both of us so profoundly that I doubt we know who either of us might have been. Probably amazing that we are still together. Guess love makes us stronger hey.

So sorry to hear that mate. As much as I loved my mum it wouldn’t be anything like the grief associated with losing a child. I’m not sure I’d get through something like that. Suppose it’s the having to be there for your other lad which kept you going. 

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I notice a few people mentioning counselling, this is absolutely not a criticism in any way shape or form but I find the idea of counselling such a strange concept, what questions can they ask of you that you haven’t asked yourself many times over, I worked with a Samaritan once and she was completely hatstand, mad as a hatter, quite what comfort she could have ever offered the truly desperate is baffling to me, I’m not having a pop honestly, if counselling works for you then that’s absolutely great but I couldnt ever entertain such a thing

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Lost both my parents young, lost several other really close relatives, no idea what advice I can give, just honesty, don't suffer ins silence I suppose, if it starts affecting your mental health as it so often does let the people around you know, it's a cruel world. In a morbid way I feel i'm in a good position of going through so much loss I'm not sure what else could happen that could really affect me.

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I lost my Dad in may and it’s still not sunk in. I still think to myself that ‘I can’t wait to tell my dad that?’ and then I remember he’s not here anymore. It still doesn’t feel real.

 

Its an awful thing and my mum and sisters are still having a bad time. Watching that champions league final 3 weeks after he died was horrendous. It was horrible and the first time I properly broke down. Didn’t help that I was in a pub with a few of my mates.

 

everyone deals with it in completely different ways but I love talking about him and end up in fits of laughter telling some of our stories. I think I’ve been lucky in the way it hit me.

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18 hours ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

When we lose a loved one or a friend, what's it like to grieve? I mean really grieve ?

 

Is grief healthy? What forms  does it take and has it taken in your lives? Is there a "normal" period of time to grieve or can the mourning of a loved one last for decades?

Has anyone received any counseling to help them overcome the loss of a loved one? What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with loss?

Do any of you have anything which triggers your grief; thoughts, emotions, feelings of loss and despair?

 

Wondered if perhaps some of our own tales of coping and living with grief, perhaps even triumph over it, might inspire or comfort those amongst us who are having a shit time and going through it.

 

Thankyou fine people of the Mighty GF.

 

 

Its a strange process that has no set pattern or time frame mate. It’s different for every person and different to the same person for different deaths. 

 

Looking back now, I reckon I started the grieving process before Carly had actually died. We knew what was happening and knew nothing could be done. Towards the end it wasn’t her in that bed anyway, she had gone and there was only a shell left. 

 

As LFD said, come the end it was a relief to not see her in pain anymore. 

 

I had counselling through the hospice but to be honest I didn’t really find it beneficial. That was for me though and was no reflection on the quality of the counselling being offered. 

 

I just got to a a point where each session covered the same things and resolved nothing. Carly was still dead and I still felt guilty. 

 

I am in no way religious but I do find a catholic funeral helps me. I would have never chosen the funeral Carly wanted for her, or myself, but I would definitely have something more upbeat now. 

 

You dont ever forget or stop thinking of them, and there’s a hundred and one things that’ll make you think of them, a song, a joke, something on the news etc. 

 

Intially its hard as fuck but with time you smile and laugh more when you think of them instead of crying. 

 

I guess thats just just a long winded ramble that says it’ll get less difficult with time. 

 

Keep talking and make sure you spend time with friends and family. Isolating yourself is probably the least helpful thing you can do. 

 

Take care pal and PM me any time! 

 

Col X

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Both my parents are still here, thankfully, but I lost both my nans within a year of each other and that was horrible.

 

The worst part for me was seeing my dad cry. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen him cry the day after his mum died, my mum was looking for him in the house and she couldn’t find him, it was torrential rain outside and I went in the back garden and he was sitting there soaked through sobbing.

 

I’ve never found counselling any help when I’ve had to have it for IVF treatment related issues, I think it’s very much an individual matter whether it works or not. I know it’s not healthy but I tend to just bottle things up and keep myself as busy as possible so I’m not left on my own with my thoughts.

 

Don't want to piss anyone off by comparing the loss of a pet to a loved one but personally, the worst I’ve ever felt was losing my Boston Terrier Tess about 5 years ago now. 

 

We’d rescued her from a terrible life and she was like a bag of bones when we got her, had cuts and bald patches all over her, but she was the most loving dog ever.

 

We had her about 3 years when she started having fits so she went the vets who gave her some epilepsy tablets, the fts still carried on, she went to a specialist in Chester who scanned her and found a tumour on her brain.

 

Long story short they tried various things over the course of a few months with nothing working and eventually told us there was nothing they could do and just enjoy what time we had left with her. 

 

We had about 2 weeks with her and one night she had maybe four fits close together so we had to take her the 24 hour vets to be put to sleep. I’ve lost other family dogs before but when the time came my dad handled that, this was the first time I’ve done it myself and it haunted me. The journey there, holding her while it happened, it affected me more than anything I’ve had to endure so far.

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2 hours ago, SilverSong said:

My wife and I lost the younger of our twin boys shortly before their 1st birthday. 22 years ago on the 27th of this month. I had just turned 25 and the Mrs was 21. It changed both of us so profoundly that I doubt we know who either of us might have been. Probably amazing that we are still together. Guess love makes us stronger hey.

 

Very sorry to hear that, mate. Absolutely tragic. It was my niece and not my own child. I really have no idea how I would cope if it was one of my kids. You have my utmost respect and admiration. Lesser men would buckle. 

 

CD, I really hope you get some relief. I actually managed to speak to my wife earlier about this for the first time in years and it feels like a bit of a weight off my shoulders. I wouldn't have done so if I hadn't have been thinking about this thread. 

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My dad's terminal with bladder cancer no idea how long he's got. It's mad because he's still here, still laughing ect but it's in my head that this time next year he won't be here. Grieving but not grieving. 

It's defo effecting me that along with work and home stress at times I feel like running away. 

 

In a way I almost want him to die now rather than spend an age suffering. He nearly went the other week but even at less than 8 stone in weight with kidney failure and sepsis he wouldn't go.

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