In the doghouse...again.

[Sugar Ape]

Went out for a few pints after work yesterday and said I'd be home about 7. Ended up necking quad vods and phoned the mrs to come and pick me up in town about midnight.

 

She gets to town and I've got a taxi home, turned my phone off and gone to sleep. So she's driving round town looking for me and phoning me before returning home and finding me comatose on the couch.

 

Paying for it today like. Already had to mow, strim and clean up the garden ( which is fucking huge ) in a hungover state while she plots her next move.

 

What have you fuckers done to end up in the doghouse?

[stringvest]

Lost a suitcase In the Mekong.

When living in Chester, drove to Liverpool for an interview, stayed out and got mullered, taxi back to Chester, got up in the morning and she was screaming because the car had been 'stolen' and she couldn't get to work. That was bad enough, but I did not have a fucking clue where in Liverpool I'd left the car. Spent the best part of a day looking for the bastard. Took about a week to get over that.

[Malarkey]

Booked flights to Barcelona and forgot which day we were going. Only found out that day. Truth was, the missus found out too so I paid out of my arse for us to go the next day.

 

I was in the proverbial case de perro for a night. Then I wooed her with a picnic on the beach.

 

Fun times.

[Trumo]

Lost a suitcase In the Mekong.

When living in Chester, drove to Liverpool for an interview, stayed out and got mullered, taxi back to Chester, got up in the morning and she was screaming because the car had been 'stolen' and she couldn't get to work. That was bad enough, but I did not have a fucking clue where in Liverpool I'd left the car. Spent the best part of a day looking for the bastard. Took about a week to get over that.

 

Dude, Where's My Model T?

[Champ]

Posting on here

[Trucker Paddy]

Went out with mates about 5 year ago when my daughter was only about 6 months old, ended up crashing in a mates about 15 miles from my house, he put me to bed bladders at about 4am, I wake up around 6 and ring mrs to pick me up. She gets baby up and drives down to get me, now here comes the problem, she only knew the estate he'd recently bought a house in, and I'd told her to ring me when she got there and I'd direct her in. Of course I then fell back asleep, woke up 6 hours later to 10 missed calls then it dawned on me what I'd done, went down well that.

[Bjornebye]

There simply is not enough internet to cover all of the worthy tails.

 

My ex catching me in bed with her cousin was pretty grim. I pretended to be asleep and her cousin said she was sleepwalking. Doghouse? It was more like fucking roadhouse.

[Bjornebye]

I live in a kennel

[deiseach]

Lost a suitcase In the Mekong.

When living in Chester, drove to Liverpool for an interview, stayed out and got mullered, taxi back to Chester, got up in the morning and she was screaming because the car had been 'stolen' and she couldn't get to work. That was bad enough, but I did not have a fucking clue where in Liverpool I'd left the car. Spent the best part of a day looking for the bastard. Took about a week to get over that.

Is that two separate incidents, or is the Mekong some kind of Scouse slang for Chester?

[littletedwest]

I live in a kennel

true dat

[Harry Squatter]

Locked my mrs out of the house when she was on a night out. Got gassed out of my mind sitting on the couch then stumbled up to bed but for some reason I put the catch on the door. I do this every night apart from when either of us is out for the night. God knows why I did it.

 

I get woken at 3 am with loads of gravel hitting the window and banging on the front door. She had been there for half an hour trying to wake me up. She desperately needed to go the toilet and had pissed herself waiting.

 

I got loads of grief for suggesting that she should have found a nearby hedge. Didn't speak to me for 3 days as she was more pissed off that I seemed to find it funny.

[Dr Nowt]

Years ago, Saturday night, me and the ex having a quiet one with a chinese.  I went to collect it, mates were in a bar right next to the takeaway and gave me a call.  They were having a drink prior to going to see the Prodigy, said to pop in.  Fuck it, why not.  Once inside, the hard word was put on to join them for the duration, with various incentives.  Then my mate's wife's bridesmaid showed up, having come to visit for the weekend; someone I'd very much wanted to grease up for years, and said mate offered to just buy me a ticket from a tout if I agreed to come with.

 

Sunday night, I arrive home in small pieces to find the ex ironing her work clothes with a face of pure stone.  "They had a rush on chow mein" fails to elicit anything, not even disdain, she just looked straight through me.  Decided there's no point trying to turn it round in the short-term, so made for the bedroom, returning with my work shirts and trousers, asking if she'd add them to her pile.  We had gone so far past it, she just took them off me without sound or a look in my direction, and went ahead ironing them all.  Didn't speak to me for days and days. 

[Trucker Paddy]

Years ago, Saturday night, me and the ex having a quiet one with a chinese. I went to collect it, mates were in a bar right next to the takeaway and gave me a call. They were having a drink prior to going to see the Prodigy, said to pop in. Fuck it, why not. Once inside, the hard word was put on to join them for the duration, with various incentives. Then my mate's wife's bridesmaid showed up, having come to visit for the weekend; someone I'd very much wanted to grease up for years, and said mate offered to just buy me a ticket from a tout if I agreed to come with.

 

Sunday night, I arrive home in small pieces to find the ex ironing her work clothes with a face of pure stone. "They had a rush on chow mein" fails to elicit anything, not even disdain, she just looked straight through me. Decided there's no point trying to turn it round in the short-term, so made for the bedroom, returning with my work shirts and trousers, asking if she'd add them to her pile. We had gone so far past it, she just took them off me without sound or a look in my direction, and went ahead ironing them all. Didn't speak to me for days and days.

Brilliant, the return to the house bit is glorious

[Dr Nowt]

Brilliant, the return to the house bit is glorious

 

I have to add, she gave as good as she got over the years, and some.  That one was definitely mine though.

[Sugar Ape]

I remember another time going round to my mates after a week of working long hours for a quiet bevy, just 6 cans and we were going to watch MOTD. The Mrs starts going on about every time I go out with this particular mate I always end up going to town and getting twatted and saying it best not happen tonight because we had to leave the house at 7.00am to go this wedding fair in Birmingham I'd promised I'd attend with her.

 

Had 4 cans and fell asleep on my mates couch, woke up at 6.45am with him asleep on the other couch. Checked my phone and I had something ridiculous like 55 missed calls, 20 texts and about 8 voicemails calling me all kinds for ignoring her, a twat for going out to town like she knew I would, the wedding was off and all sorts.

 

Got home and said I'd fell asleep on the couch and she hit the roof asking if I thought she was stupid, she launched a remote at me and clocked me on the side of my head, totally fucking flipped. Even now she won't believe I fell asleep on his couch.

[littletedwest]

There simply is not enough internet to cover all of the worthy tails. My ex catching me in bed with her cousin was pretty grim. I pretended to be asleep and her cousin said she was sleepwalking. Doghouse? It was more like fucking roadhouse.

I'd hate that.a situation where you really can't talk your way out of it.

even rene from ello ello would struggle

[stringvest]

Is that two separate incidents, or is the Mekong some kind of Scouse slang for Chester?

 

two separate incidents.  

 

In fact, two separate women.  Actually they met once, and there hangs another doghouse tale.

[stringvest]

Years ago, Saturday night, me and the ex having a quiet one with a chinese.  I went to collect it, mates were in a bar right next to the takeaway and gave me a call.  They were having a drink prior to going to see the Prodigy, said to pop in.  Fuck it, why not.  Once inside, the hard word was put on to join them for the duration, with various incentives.  Then my mate's wife's bridesmaid showed up, having come to visit for the weekend; someone I'd very much wanted to grease up for years, and said mate offered to just buy me a ticket from a tout if I agreed to come with.

 

Sunday night, I arrive home in small pieces to find the ex ironing her work clothes with a face of pure stone.  "They had a rush on chow mein" fails to elicit anything, not even disdain, she just looked straight through me.  Decided there's no point trying to turn it round in the short-term, so made for the bedroom, returning with my work shirts and trousers, asking if she'd add them to her pile.  We had gone so far past it, she just took them off me without sound or a look in my direction, and went ahead ironing them all.  Didn't speak to me for days and days. 

 

 

I bet most lads on the forum have just popped out to pick up a takeaway and disaster happens.  It's a stripe.

[A Red]

Walked in from work and the wife (ex) called me into the living room. I went in and there she was stood in front of the fireplace with about 30 cards on it wishing her happy birthday. 5 years into marriage and i'd forgot. It was sown back on but has never worked the same since.

[Dr Nowt]

Years back I went on an all-dayer with an old mate of mine and we were on tequilla chasers with every pint from noon.  I then left him to meet up with her and her mates who were only starting a sedate night out at gone 20:00.  Someone should have just put a bullet in me, it sounds fucking criminal how I behaved.

 

Amongst many painfully twattish episodes, early on I got up to go the bar and just let myself mock collapse in the middle of a rammed busy pub, then lay there twitching.  When loads of people had gathered round panicking and one started calling an ambulance, I got up and strolled to the bar to order another drink.

 

I was going through a bit of a piss-fetish over birds with big tits when I was drunk, and continually cornered her mate's then new squeeze, now wife and mother of his kids, saying I wanted to "hose them down with my yellow jets."  This was subsequently described to me as "beyond fucking creepy", and sounds a fair description.

 

I finally left the bar after a row with the doorman with my trousers round my ankles like a penguin and did the lying down game in the middle of the road until a taxi emergency stopped and let us in - very Didi Hamann on his first night out with LFC, except he's not a raving tit.  I wouldn't mind so much but I want people to be put to death when I see them behaving like that, fucking stag do nonsense. 

 

The friend in question just never made contact with her again, we awkwardly bumped into him recently and it had been years and years.  Makes my skin crawl to think of it, hastened a change in drinking habits for a time.  One of very few occasions she's refused to speak to me the next day. 

[Boss]

I just started out with this girl, i had plans to meet her on friday and take her to Sapporo, but my mate was hassling me relentlessly to see this prog band at the barfly. I decided i'd rather spend the money on that, so i sneakily texted her saying that i wouldn't be able to make it because my nan got poorly and i had to go and spend some time with her. To which i received an "awww" reply. Glorious, i'm the good guy, let the festivities begin....

 

After the gig i ended up cavorting around town trying to blag birds, drinking a ridiculous amount of shots. I was too wasted to even get a cab home so i ended up going back to my mates uni digs, shared by 5 others.

 

This gay lad that lived there ended up having the only bed spare cos he'd gone home for the weekend, but he was a notoriously promiscuous bummer, so i didn't want to sleep in that bed, plus i didn't know whether he'd return like the scarlet pimpernel in the middle of the night and bum me while i was passed out, so the only option was the less gay option, sleep in the same bed as my mate, and thats what happened.

 

I woke up in the afternoon hungover as fuck and one of the other guys in the digs who knew my bird from uni had sent her a picture with me in my undies in bed with my mate. It was on my phone with a message under it that read "i've left you for a toyboy". In fairness to him it was funny, until it crossed my mind "oh shit my nan".

 

She split up with me because of it, she actually went mental at me it was a 3 week doghouse, fortunately she's my ex now, so happy days.

[Dr Nowt]

Hahaha, boss, Boss!

 

Reminds me of a mate's stag do in The Dam, many, many moons ago.

 

Another mate of ours revels in being considered camp by the rest of us - married with 2 kids like, but happily plays up to it.

 

Phil asked him; "So mate, have you ever fucked a bloke?"

 

His answer; "Not, yet."

[TheBitch]

The Mrs starts going on about every time I go out with this particular mate I always end up going to town and getting twatted...

I am that mate.

[s(k)aturation]

What have you fuckers done to end up in the doghouse?

 

Was born.

[Boss]

Years back I went on an all-dayer with an old mate of mine and we were on tequilla chasers with every pint from noon.  I then left him to meet up with her and her mates who were only starting a sedate night out at gone 20:00.  Someone should have just put a bullet in me, it sounds fucking criminal how I behaved.

 

Amongst many painfully twattish episodes, early on I got up to go the bar and just let myself mock collapse in the middle of a rammed busy pub, then lay there twitching.  When loads of people had gathered round panicking and one started calling an ambulance, I got up and strolled to the bar to order another drink.

 

I was going through a bit of a piss-fetish over birds with big tits when I was drunk, and continually cornered her mate's then new squeeze, now wife and mother of his kids, saying I wanted to "hose them down with my yellow jets."  This was subsequently described to me as "beyond fucking creepy", and sounds a fair description.

 

I finally left the bar after a row with the doorman with my trousers round my ankles like a penguin and did the lying down game in the middle of the road until a taxi emergency stopped and let us in - very Didi Hamann on his first night out with LFC, except he's not a raving tit.  I wouldn't mind so much but I want people to be put to death when I see them behaving like that, fucking stag do nonsense. 

 

The friend in question just never made contact with her again, we awkwardly bumped into him recently and it had been years and years.  Makes my skin crawl to think of it, hastened a change in drinking habits for a time.  One of very few occasions she's refused to speak to me the next day. 

 

That third paragraph is a work of art.