Women

[Brownie]

How come they like lead you on and flirt with you and then when you try it on they start giving you all the 'just wanna be friends' shit. I hate it, and I hate them.

 

I'm going gay or celibate I swear. Ok that thought lasted like 5 seconds, i like women again now!

[Mark P]

Different species, different planet, different mentality. Confuse the fuck out of me.

[Brownie]

I was talking to this bird the other night and she was telling me that girls don't like lads being nice to them - whats all that about then!?

 

So basically you've gotta act like a twat to get the women. Surreal as fuck for me.

[Remmie]

Sounds like an honest women there mate, they love being treated like shit, obviously they won't admit this to you or themselves but I reckon about 80% of the time it's true. In a way it almost makes sense. Say you're kind & give them presents often, compliment them & give in, in arguments they take you for granted. When they don't know how you're going to act it excites their simple, stupid minds & while the lows hurt, the highs mean all the more to them. To give it a football analogy- which 2 seasons would you rather- struggling with relegation 1 year & winning the premiership the next or fighting for a Ueefa place 2 years running!

 

That's my half-baked unifying theory of women regarding relationships, as for meeting guys & them being nice, I think they like the idea of a guy being indifferent and them earning his attraction by playing their gay games.

 

Having said all that, I haven't got a bird so what do I know!

[Hermes]

It's lesbians that amaze me. I mean, there not attracted to men but you always see them with girlfriends who have cropped hair and a man's face, wearing binman's jeans and hobnail boots.

 

Why not just go for a man?

[Nunavut Patrick]

How to handle women- if you're married or in a long-term relationship- choose your battles carefully, remember their are sacrifices to be made in order to keep the peace. Don't complain about the recessive slip of the number of blowjobs you get as the relationship goes on, it's like graph that spikes at the beginning and drops as you go on. There is alot to be said for renting a romantic movie and making a nice supper- not bangers and mash, or piggies in a blanket- it's like SuperDan at OT- guaranteed to score.

 

It's okay to fart in their presence,but not after 10 Guiness pints and spicy donairs. Always flush the john; never answer the "fat question"- you're far better saying, "Not sure, honey, but those shoes look worn- let's get you a new pair" Believe me, the cost far offsets the anguished brooding you'll be subjected to.

 

And finally, remember, anytime you are caught doing something you aren't supposed to be doing ( ie- looking at holiday pics of her best friend in a bikini and masturbating, watching porn and masturbating, masturbating, drinking before 10AM, drinking after 3AM, drinking at 5AM with holiday pics masturbating but too drunk to finish) there is nothing that flowers and a plush cuddle toy can't solve.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Gotta run, the wife looks a little hefty today and she hasn't had a new pair of shoes for at least a month.

[Ste Mc]

You need to establish ground rules.

We always hear "THE RULES" from the female side.

Now here are "THE RULES" from the male side.

 

These are our rules!! Please note these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!!

Strong hints do not work!!

Obvious hints do not work!!

Just say it!!

 

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

 

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.

What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Check your oil!! Please!!

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.

We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

 

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

 

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

 

Thank you for reading this;

 

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that.

It's like camping.

[Dr.Filth]

You need to establish ground rules.

We always hear "THE RULES" from the female side.

Now here are "THE RULES" from the male side.

 

These are our rules!! Please note these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!!

Strong hints do not work!!

Obvious hints do not work!!

Just say it!!

 

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

 

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.

What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Check your oil!! Please!!

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.

We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

 

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

 

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

 

Thank you for reading this;

 

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that.

It's like camping.

 

 

 

I'm gonna print that out, laminate it and superglue it to the fridge.

[Owen]

So, if you find a girl who loves xkcd and Red Dwarf, you should deffo go for it, yeah?

[Karl_b]

Does she like Jetplane?

[Flying Pig]

I buy them perfume. Its called Rohipnol.

[Uncle_Meat]

The Ladder Theory

 

All you need to know.

[Owen]

Does she like Jetplane?

 

Easyworld.

[Owen]

The Ladder Theory

 

All you need to know.

 

Pfft, that's arse I'm afraid, Meaty.

[Karl_b]

I forgot how ace xkcd is:

 

 

In your own words dude, "Do eet."

[Uncle_Meat]

Pfft, that's arse I'm afraid, Meaty.

 

 

But it's an amusing[1] load of arse at least.

 

 

 

[1] For small values of amusement.

[Owen]

But it's an amusing[1] load of arse at least.

 

 

 

[1] For small values of amusement.

 

Hehe, a nerd scorned...

[kopitegaz]

I was talking to this bird the other night and she was telling me that girls don't like lads being nice to them - whats all that about then!?

 

So basically you've gotta act like a twat to get the women. Surreal as fuck for me.

 

Confuses the fuck out of me. Always has and always will. I think they like blokes to be twats so they can bitch to their mates (female or male friends, if they have them), their mates will offer advice which they will ignore, and stay with aforementioned twat and continue getting treated like shit.

[Owen]

Confuses the fuck out of me. Always has and always will. I think they like blokes to be twats so they can bitch to their mates (female or male friends, if they have them), their mates will offer advice which they will ignore, and stay with aforementioned twat and continue getting treated like shit.

 

YouTube - "Men Are Bastards" from Man Stroke Woman

[Karl_b]

You guys complaining haven't met the right person yet, that's all.

[Uncle_Meat]

Hehe, a nerd scorned...

 

 

 

<fx: Prepares secret plan to connect an old ships transmitter to Owens phone line, therefore rendering his ADSL useless by virtue of making his SNR plummet. Muhahahahahaaaaa >

 

Erm, you *are* on ADSL?

[mattyq]

Go get him Meaty

[JohnnyH]

Women can be mangy annoying cunts. And I'm a fuckwit because I get in a relationship and get pissed off and eventually call it a day/get dumped, and then the first thing I do is try to get back in a relationship.

 

Women confuse me on purpose. However, I am always very nice to them so tonight I'm going to go to the pub and glass the first bit of fanny I see. I'll follow this by asking her out and I'll let you all know how I got on tomorrow.

[She Knows It]

Maybe she wasn't flirting. Perhaps she was just being friendly? Just because a woman talks to you and laughs doesn't necessarily mean she's giving you the come on. She might just be a genuinely nice girl.