Awkward sex / dates

[Nasty Lizard]

Me and a mate pulled some foreign students down by the beach when we were 18/19.

They told us they were 16.

I quickly got fingers and tops.

Mate just snogged his, tried to get her behind the beach huts but she wasn't game.

Fizzled out, they left.

As we smoked and shared meagre war stories it occured to me that when you're younger, you never play your age down to older people (unless purposefully necking Jimmy Savile) and so 16 was going to be the best of it.  Started to worry myself about the legitimacy of mine's age claims, and the likelihood of me being a nonce.

Mate says, with all sincerity and fag hanging from gob, "Shit, I think you're right. Mine had a really small mouth."

 

 

Fucking Brilliant.

[Bjornebye]

I was in a pub in Torpoint called Wheelers years ago. It's near the Navy training base so is generally full of Navy/Marine's. Unfortunately it's fuck all like the neon bar in Top Gun and it is far less homosexual before anyone starts with the Navy jokes. Anyway their was this midget woman, dolled up to the nines on the dance-floor. I clocked her and asked my mate if he would. He spat his drink out and said he was surprised she still came in here. I asked why and he told me that some marine had took her round the back a few months before, banged her then threw her in the skip. I thought it must be bullshit until he said when the lad came back in the pub he told his mate who said loudly "There is a midget in the bin!" and about 20 lads ran out to see her climbing out the skip swearing her head off. He said the lads collapsed as if they had been gunned down by machine fire. 

[Trumo]

I was in a pub in Torpoint called Wheelers years ago. It's near the Navy training base so is generally full of Navy/Marine's. Unfortunately it's fuck all like the neon bar in Top Gun and it is far less homosexual before anyone starts with the Navy jokes. Anyway their was this midget woman, dolled up to the nines on the dance-floor. I clocked her and asked my mate if he would. He spat his drink out and said he was surprised she still came in here. I asked why and he told me that some marine had took her round the back a few months before, banged her then threw her in the skip. I thought it must be bullshit until he said when the lad came back in the pub he told his mate who said loudly "There is a midget in the bin!" and about 20 lads ran out to see her climbing out the skip swearing her head off. He said the lads collapsed as if they had been gunned down by machine fire. 

 

How do you arrive at that conclusion? Was there no-one being 'openly gay'?

[Bjornebye]

How do you arrive at that conclusion? Was there no-one being 'openly gay'?

 

Not a pair of ray-bans in site. 

[Mook]

Sorry what the hell does snapping your banjo off mean?

 

I used to do this all the time when I first started shagging, it's not actually that sore although it's quite messy & can freak the burd right out.

 

I tried to use a condom to stop it once & when I pulled out it was just this big red condom with loads of blood in it.

 

And that's my nice story for the day.

[Bjornebye]

I used to do this all the time when I first started shagging, it's not actually that sore although it's quite messy & can freak the burd right out.

 

I tried to use a condom to stop it once & when I pulled out it was just this big red condom with loads of blood in it.

 

And that's my nice story for the day.

 

Noticed a tiny slit on it once in the shower after i'd spent the night plating some little wren. Nearly fainted. 

[lifetime fan]

Posted this on here before.

 

I'd split up with an ex and had moved back into me mams, only she's turned my old room in to a dressing room so I was basically kipping in amongst all her shit.

 

I've gone out in town on a Wednesday night for a few beers with a mate and ended up pulling this plane jane with big tits who turned out to be complete filth.

 

We have a few more drinks, start doing shots and end up back at my mums pissed. She's naked as soon as she gets in the room, I struggled to get my jeans off and I'm bouncing off the walls trying to put a johnny on as she starts fucking herself with my mums shampoo bottle.

 

We're obviously making a bit of a racket and wake my old dear. She walks in to tell me to shut up and finds me facing her bollock naked with a condom half on and some tart in bed with her shampoo bottle up her chuff.

[stringvest]

what was it?  Minge and Shoulders?

[Bjornebye]

Garnier Fuckthis? 

[dandyman]

Garnier Fuckthis?

Yeah but was it cos "she was worth it!"

[Bjornebye]

Yeah but was it cos "she was worth it!"

 

"get the Bristol look"

[Unrighteous]

Posted this on here before.

 

I'd split up with an ex and had moved back into me mams, only she's turned my old room in to a dressing room so I was basically kipping in amongst all her shit.

 

I've gone out in town on a Wednesday night for a few beers with a mate and ended up pulling this plane jane with big tits who turned out to be complete filth.

 

We have a few more drinks, start doing shots and end up back at my mums pissed. She's naked as soon as she gets in the room, I struggled to get my jeans off and I'm bouncing off the walls trying to put a johnny on as she starts fucking herself with my mums shampoo bottle.

 

We're obviously making a bit of a racket and wake my old dear. She walks in to tell me to shut up and finds me facing her bollock naked with a condom half on and some tart in bed with her shampoo bottle up her chuff.

 

 

Amazing. 

[Unrighteous]

I've got a story, i was about 20 years old and i'd just split up with a long term girlfriend about 6 months previous. I hadn't had any sex in that entire time and blue balls was setting in.

 

Anyway one of my flatmates (who shall remain nameless) ends up bringing this girl home at about 3am, now i'm still up watching Eddie murphy's Delirious on DVD in my room at this point. I hear them coming up the stairs, so obviously being inquisitive i pop my head out the door, to see what's going on. There is my flatmate with this gorgeous looking emo girl in the hall, this girl was about 18, she genuinely knocked me for six, tattoo's, piercing's, peroxide blonde hair, she was just my type.

 

After about 10 minutes i'm in bed and i can hear them going at it in the room adjacent, her moans are proper turning me on and i've got a full hard on, one of those hard on's that's actually painful... like slapping your belly button and shit. For some reason instead of cracking one off, i thought it'd be a great idea to just walk into the room and invite the threesome "he who dares wins" right? Anyway i get fully naked, condom on and creep through the landing, opening his door as quietly as i can.

 

As i get in the light from the landing hit's the pair of them and i see her on top, riding away, lovely. Except she turns round and looks at me in horror recoiling back under the covers, as i'm making my way towards the bed. I'm like "shhhhhh" as my flatmate leaps up and punches me square in the jaw, he said something like "fucking get out" in this proper high pitched voice but my ears were ringing from the punch, i exited the room immediately and went back into mine minus a hard on and with a badly damaged jaw, it still makes noises when i eat from time to time, worth it though.

 

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

[Unrighteous]

Me and my mate were out in Crosby once and he knew two bad Scallies, mother and daughter, the mother was in her late 30's and the daughter was 18. My mate managed to blag them to come back to his house and me to do the mum and him to do the daughter then swop over. I walked back to his house with the mother and I was already put off smashing her by how scally she was. My mate disappears with the daughter and bangs her on the field of Merchant Taylor's school. I had no keys to get into the house so I rung him and he answered in the middle of shagging the daughter. He told me that his lodger would be in and that he'd let me in the house. His lodger was a massive pisshead and they were always fighting with each other.

 

When I got to his the mother started acting all paranoid and tried to rob stuff out of my mates house so I told her to put the stuff back then she went on a massive rant about the police beating her up last time she was arrested, the lodger tried to calm her down but she went even worse and started rifling through the kitchen for any type of alcohol.

 

My mate turns up with the daughter and just starts shouting at his lodger for upsetting her and ruining my chance of having a shag. The mother says that she is sorry and that she would shag me. I said that the situation is far too weird and that I'm going home, so I just leg it.

 

I text my mate the next day and I asked what had happened after I got off, his reply was "col (the lodger) got a suck off the Mum, he got wasted and we ended up fighting, I threw him out then I banged both of them on the kitchen floor"

 

Interestingly enough, a mate from this very internet site, and I pulled a mother/daughter combo out of Walkabout in Concert Square.  We got them back to mine, he had the fit rotter of a daughter with him, and I had the decent muck she called 'mum', anywho...   It was an effort in futility.

 

The mum and I immediately get into my room and lock the door... and to my dismay, my wingman couldn't control the daughter who only seemed to want beak.   The mum is telling me to ignore the noise, and fuck her, but the goddamn beakhead was banging on the door and shouting at all sorts.

We head back out of my apartment for a reason that I cannot remember (probably beak related), and the mum keeps saying she wants to go fuck, so I pull her around the corner, and she starts wanking me in my jeans -- The daughter comes and finds us and starts making all sorts of noise again.   Goddamn cockblock.

[Unrighteous]

My sex life is a mess

> Meet sexy fat welsh girl during uni course

> we are at it like rabbits

> shagging one time and i've been drinking all day

> Ol' One-Eye is worshipping the sky as she is lazing on my belly

> she wriggles to give me a blow-job and her elbow bangs into my lower stomach, bladder to be precise

> I piss on her face

 

Oh that fucking reminds me of a story:

Anyway, back when I was living in Vancouver, I met a Chinese bird.  She was about 28 or 29 at the time, and I was about 20.  We, essentially, are just drunkenly hooking up from time to time, but not a real FWB situation, until she tries to make it a 'relationship' and fails.  

A few months go without shagging, and she calls me up one day, and basically says if its a Friday or Saturday night, then shes up for a visit whatever the time. 

So, I put it to the test.

 

I go out with workmates and get fucking obliterated.  Proper fucked up.   Anyway, as I'm stumbling back towards my apartment, I realize that I'm about a block away from hers... so I shuffle that way, and buzz her flat.   She wakes up, lets me in, and I get up to hers.   Push past her into the apartment, fix myself a drink, and drop onto the sofa.  I'm sitting there sipping on it, wasted, and she comes over and starts getting all touchy/feely.

I whip out my jap's eye, and she starts trying to get me hard, but alas it was more of a hold up than a stick up.   So, ever eager, she gets down and starts sucking my limp cock.

 

Whilst she's diligently working away, I start nodding off, and piss in her mouth.   She panics, but keeps her mouth on my cock, holds all the piss in her mouth, runs over to her sink, and spits it out.  She just flatly says, "That was disgusting", and I totally pass the fuck out on her sofa.

I wake up the next day with my pants around my ankles, sitting on her sofa, and I can't remember it.

She's got a cob on, obviously, and we don't fuck for like two or three weeks, and then she calls me.  We're having a wednesday night dinner, movie, and sex date... she starts blowing me, and it all comes back to me, and I struggle to keep the laughter inside.  

What a trooper.

[Bjornebye]

Oh that fucking reminds me of a story:

Anyway, back when I was living in Vancouver, I met a Chinese bird.  She was about 28 or 29 at the time, and I was about 20.  We, essentially, are just drunkenly hooking up from time to time, but not a real FWB situation, until she tries to make it a 'relationship' and fails.  

A few months go without shagging, and she calls me up one day, and basically says if its a Friday or Saturday night, then shes up for a visit whatever the time. 

So, I put it to the test.

 

I go out with workmates and get fucking obliterated.  Proper fucked up.   Anyway, as I'm stumbling back towards my apartment, I realize that I'm about a block away from hers... so I shuffle that way, and buzz her flat.   She wakes up, lets me in, and I get up to hers.   Push past her into the apartment, fix myself a drink, and drop onto the sofa.  I'm sitting there sipping on it, wasted, and she comes over and starts getting all touchy/feely.

I whip out my jap's eye, and she starts trying to get me hard, but alas it was more of a hold up than a stick up.   So, ever eager, she gets down and starts sucking my limp cock.

 

Whilst she's diligently working away, I start nodding off, and piss in her mouth.   She panics, but keeps her mouth on my cock, holds all the piss in her mouth, runs over to her sink, and spits it out.  She just flatly says, "That was disgusting", and I totally pass the fuck out on her sofa.

I wake up the next day with my pants around my ankles, sitting on her sofa, and I can't remember it.

She's got a cob on, obviously, and we don't fuck for like two or three weeks, and then she calls me.  We're having a wednesday night dinner, movie, and sex date... she starts blowing me, and it all comes back to me, and I struggle to keep the laughter inside.  

What a trooper.

 

[JohnnyH]

I was having relations with a lovely lady once who liked a bit of bottom slapping.  She was on top and I'd a handful of both her arse cheeks and she tells me to slap her arse.  I was slapping it a bit and she said to hit it harder.  I went for a right big slap and accidently belted myself in the balls.  The fucking roars out of me were deafening. 

[stringvest]

I was having relations with a lovely lady once who liked a bit of bottom slapping.  She was on top and I'd a handful of both her arse cheeks and she tells me to slap her arse.  I was slapping it a bit and she said to hit it harder.  I went for a right big slap and accidently belted myself in the balls.  The fucking roars out of me were deafening. 

 

Begorra!

[AL66GOLF]

Hey Johnny - First time you've been called a slapper?

[Unrighteous]

This thread is actually getting up to the 'epic thread level'.  I haven't laughed this much since the Strontium Dogfucker thread.

[Dr Nowt]

I was having relations with a lovely lady once who liked a bit of bottom slapping.  She was on top and I'd a handful of both her arse cheeks and she tells me to slap her arse.  I was slapping it a bit and she said to hit it harder.  I went for a right big slap and accidently belted myself in the balls.  The fucking roars out of me were deafening.

 

[Dr Nowt]

what was it?  Minge and Shoulders?

 

Quimotei.

[Bjornebye]

I was having relations with a lovely lady once who liked a bit of bottom slapping.  She was on top and I'd a handful of both her arse cheeks and she tells me to slap her arse.  I was slapping it a bit and she said to hit it harder.  I went for a right big slap and accidently belted myself in the balls.  The fucking roars out of me were deafening. 

 

I felt the pain just reading that. 

[lifetime fan]

[Dr Nowt]

Can't remember if I posted this before or not.

 

Still up Bank Holiday Monday lunchtime from a bender the day before some years ago now, when a bird a couple of my other mates had put away turned up where we were continuing to damage ourselves.  I should disclose that I had previously taken the piss out of both of them for doing so, on the basis I thought she looked like a cross between Princess Di and Myra Hindley, with the Moors Murderess' influence accounting for around 80% of the split.

 

Was always completely dismissive of her as she was a pathological bullshitter, and so a little surprised when someone tried the bathroom door as I was having a piss, and my "I'll be out in a minute" was responded to with "Good, just checking it was you."  Assumed she hoped I had some beak on me, but it transpired she was keen to give me what I will forever know for posterity as "the pissy cock nosh".  Quite a game girl, to say the least. 

 

Anyway, my mate shared the place with a going-through-a-divorce lad we know, and shortly afterwards one of his young children got most of the way into the bathroom door before I managed to wedge it shut and sort of save his innocence with a staggering, stupefied backheel, while trying to maintain my stream of piss and jism at her and the toilet like a push-me-pull-you, and had to call for his Dad to come and get him to give me a minute, while I re-arranged things and escorted her back out with as much dignity as possible; not much, oddly enough.  Fair to say a few apologies were passed on to him.

 

Upstairs she indicated she was on and therefore we wouldn't be able to proceed, however in an inspired split-second calculation I simply worked out anyone dirty enough to lap at piss would be ripe for bumming, and Bob's your uncle, Myra's your Aunty, off we went.  After plugging away forlornly for ages with the most blunt of instruments, and precisely zero chance of going off again, I finally slid off her in hysterics when she looked back over her shoulder at me doe-eyed, and quite sincerely piped up "I never normally let blokes do this, you know". 

 

How I enjoyed my mate's strangled cries the next day when he asked me if I nailed her, and when I said I had looked confused, replying, "But where, the only room upstairs is mi....oh fuck off, mate, you didn't did you?" 

 

"Yeah, its better than that though.  I bummed her on your favourite green bedspread."

 

"YOU FUCKING CUNT."

 

Fair to say no apologies were passed on to him.