Corporate bellendary at work.

[General Dryness]

Negged for using 'big hugs' on the GF. You know the rules about sentimentality and all that crap.

I thought it might be ok on this occasion, since it had just been revealed that she'd talked a good lad out of topping himself. You miserable bugger.

[Pidge]

"Can you sit in on this call, we need a technical bod on the line to make sure we get the process right"

 

Trans. "This is your responsibility now, never speak to me of this again. I'm far too busy dealing with holiday requests and not attending 1-2-1s"

 

This is not about my current place of work.

[Section_31]

Is there anything more excruciating than watching a middle manager trying to pander to their new boss? 

 

Just had a changing of the guard at our place and our knob big boss - a collection of Jazz Club style creative cliches, like someone dropped some vinyl records, stubble and turn ups in a blender - has been replaced with a 'northern lass' with exceptional tits. 

 

Her new underboss is totally out of his comfort zone though, keeps asking us for thoughts by email so he can take them to her at his next meeting etc - I've got some thoughts, it involves petroleum jelly, a lampstand, an escape route and NO, QUESTIONS, ASKED.

[FanchesterCity]

Once you leave the corporate rat race, the more you see it for what it is - a totally despicable game of charades amongst arse-licking, backstabbing morons.

 

I see them sometimes meeting up in hotels, or service stations. Their cars and shoes a bit too shiny for anybody's liking. Trying to look casually smart in their suits and greeting each other like long lost friends, sending some urgent text back to the office, ordering an overly elaborate coffee, and truly believing that the 'project' their company is working on matters. Their nondescript job titles reflect their personalities. Sales Advisor? what IS that? is that someone selling your something, or someone advising those who sell? Project Lead - does that mean you're in charge of the project, or is it a title they gave you to keep your pimply faced gob shut?

Then their corporate technobabble even seems to seep into their ever diminishing real lives. 'Talk to you later', 'Take a week out', 'Win-fucking-win' (the phrase that speaks 'loser' louder than any other).

 

I can't take to anybody with a tidy car boot, and these people seem to have them.

I can't take to anybody who has a coat hanger in the back of the car and actually hangs their jacket up on it.

I can't take to anybody who says 'I'll get back to you'.

Fuck them and their cup holders.

[Ginny]

Think we need to have a look under the bonnet and kick the tyres on this one guys

[General Dryness]

Is there anything more excruciating than watching a middle manager trying to pander to their new boss? 

 

Just had a changing of the guard at our place and our knob big boss - a collection of Jazz Club style creative cliches, like someone dropped some vinyl records, stubble and turn ups in a blender - has been replaced with a 'northern lass' with exceptional tits. 

 

Her new underboss is totally out of his comfort zone though, keeps asking us for thoughts by email so he can take them to her at his next meeting etc - I've got some thoughts, it involves petroleum jelly, a lampstand, an escape route and NO, QUESTIONS, ASKED.

 

She's going to be a cunt. Mark my words and watch your back. She'll be all "ee bah gum" but with an undercurrent of "Cross me and I'll castrate you and all your living male relatives. And some of the dead ones."

[Dr Nowt]

She's going to be a cunt. Mark my words and watch your back. She'll be all "ee bah gum" but with an undercurrent of "Cross me and I'll castrate you and all your living male relatives. And some of the dead ones."

Yeah, I'll level with you here, just from what secsh has said I despise her and everyone she's ever known, and wish to convey my revulsion through the medium of back-breaking sodomy.

[Redder Lurtz]

The media agency I worked for lost the contract with their biggest client and as a result my team has transferred under TUPE to work for the corporate giant directly. It's as much as I can do to not simply walk out of the place. I'm absolutely fucking done with corporate wankstains, their shit jokes, fake job satisfaction and corporate dirge. The next cunt who walks over to my team saying 'hi gang' gets a fucking keyboard smashed in their face.

 

I really need out. I'm looking for other jobs but I know I'll ultimately end up in exactly the same mood a few months down the line. Time to start researching my backup plan and get myself a pub.

[VladimirIlyich]

I thought it might be ok on this occasion, since it had just been revealed that she'd talked a good lad out of topping himself. You miserable bugger.

You know the rules.

[Hooch]

I left a corporate job earlier this year for a call centre job.

 

While it has its own drawbacks I'm much much happier now.

 

Let that shit sink in. A call centre job.

[Section_31]

I left a corporate job earlier this year for a call centre job.

 

While it has its own drawbacks I'm much much happier now.

 

Let that shit sink in. A call centre job.

 

 

Isn't a call centre corporate though? 

[Redder Lurtz]

I'd have thought call centres typifiy a wanky corporate environment.

[razor]

Think we need to have a look under the bonnet and kick the tyres on this one guys

 

I just puked up.

 

And, Section, just reading through a couple of the last few pages, I reckon one thing that can give job satisfaction is creativity.

 

Maybe look for a job that involves some sort of creative element.

[Dr Nowt]

Guess it depends which sector they're in.

 

The call centre at the Uni I worked for (not that I worked on it, but I had bits and pieces to do with them, like giving them training) was a completely different world from the ones in banks and corporate companies that I worked in.

 

Got a mate who went to a local sheltered housing group to do their IT via a call centre set-up, directly from Barclays, and he said it was absolute chalk and cheese.

 

Still means doing that role, but there are an infinity of ways the corporates find to extract your soul via the nipsy and make things as inhuman and hateful as possible, which don't always exist in smaller companies/public sector, in my experience anyway.

 

I'm guessing it's a grateful for small mercies thing, Hooch?  I say that having worked in both private and public, and been delighted with the move to the latter as though wanky office politics were still alive and well, as will ever be thus, the corporate side was diluted to virtual non-existence in relative terms.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I swear I've heard 'low hanging fruit' 3 times per meeting, for the last 6 weeks. GET A NEW FUCKING PHRASE.

[Section_31]

I'd have thought call centres typifiy a wanky corporate environment.

 

The highlight of my time at one call centre was seeing one of the office chubsters get wheeled out by paramedics with an oxygen mask on while her brother who also worked there just messed around with his phone. I spent my time giving people rebaits on their bills they weren't entitled to and fiddling my overtime. Good times. 

[Jairzinho]

I left a corporate job earlier this year for a call centre job.

 

While it has its own drawbacks I'm much much happier now.

 

Let that shit sink in. A call centre job.

 

Don't you get timed when you're having a piss and stuff like that?

[Mook]

Don't you get timed when you're having a piss and stuff like that?

 

That's not just call centres, I used to work in corporate banking & I'd forever be getting grief about how many drinks of water I was getting up for & how long my trips to the toilet lasted.

 

Half of my trips to the toilet were me going out for some fresh air & to calm down a bit.

[Jairzinho]

That's not just call centres, I used to work in corporate banking & I'd forever be getting grief about how many drinks of water I was getting up for & how long my trips to the toilet lasted.

 

Half of my trips to the toilet were me going out for some fresh air & to calm down a bit.

 

Urgh.

[Hooch]

Isn't a call centre corporate though?

 

Well yeah, but the role I'm doing, that is, taking calls about faults on a old persons phone line, isn't so much.

 

My last job involved meeting with cunts all the time and ethical dilemmas over where money was going and coming from, with an overriding priority on making money over anything else. I still have nights where I go to bed and get angry just thinking of all the times I had there. Seriously, even now and I left 5 months ago. The cunts.

 

I work for a corporation but my role could be done by a chimp. Plus there's scope for engineering roles.

[General Dryness]

You know the rules.

Yeah alright that was 5 months ago. Don't get all dead communisty about it.

[Hooch]

Don't you get timed when you're having a piss and stuff like that?

Not really, we have stats though and one is called 'adherence'. Basically the less time you spend away from being ready for a call the better, and a percentage score is worked out around d that and being on time etc. I can go for a piss and still hit the target easily.

 

Yeah, it's not all fun and games I admit, hopefully that illustrates how much I hated my last job though.

[Hooch]

The highlight of my time at one call centre was seeing one of the office chubsters get wheeled out by paramedics with an oxygen mask on while her brother who also worked there just messed around with his phone. I spent my time giving people rebaits on their bills they weren't entitled to and fiddling my overtime. Good times.

 

Class.

[Mook]

I can go for a piss and still hit the target easily.

 

 

Never been a strong point of mine, I often get a frying pan across the back of my head after the missus has cleaned the bathroom.

[A Red]

I had to put up with corporate bellendery for many years, it doesnt get better it gets worse. Problem was that I needed the money so couldnt afford to do something i enjoyed but for less money. I guess its the same for a lot of people.

 

Have a plan in your head that you'll get out of it as soon as you can afford it, gear your life towards that aim. It might make it more bearable. The alternative is to be a fat twat in your 60's with a purple nose, a twitch and stupid trousers wheezing round a golf course wondering why the company chewed you up and spat you out after you gave them the best years of your life.