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Remmie

Instant cunt identifiers

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Side partings shaved into people's hair.

Tattoos

Bracelets, wristbands (on lads)

Espadrilles

People who use the phrase "good times"

Tory voters.

Any cunt that goes the match or music gigs and feels it's essential to record it on their smart phones.

That's just for openers....

 

Or people who use times as a fucking suffix to describe ANYTHING.

 

Upload a new photo album on facebook entitled "Holiday times", "Birthday times", "BBQ times". 

 

Yes we get that all of these must have happened at some point in TIME or another you blethering fucknut. Cut the arsebuggery or it'll be murdering times.

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Anyone who overdramatises the most basic incident in their life. They demand attention at all times and usually get in a strop if they don't get it.

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Anyone who overdramatises the most basic incident in their life. They demand attention at all times and usually get in a strop if they don't get it.

One of my Fb friends (who I really should get round to binning someday) committed three crimes in one sentence.

1.  She was posting about her dinner on Facebook

2.  She used "would of" instead of "would have"

3.  She said she "literally would of died" if her fella had forgotten to make Yorkshires.

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One of my Fb friends (who I really should get round to binning someday) committed three crimes in one sentence.

1.  She was posting about her dinner on Facebook

2.  She used "would of" instead of "would have"

3.  She said she "literally would of died" if her fella had forgotten to make Yorkshires.

 

We can only hope...

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It's been a long day without you my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I drop my Nan off at Asda again...

Is that a euphemism?

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Lads who ridiculously overdo "banter" on a stag do. Lad I know has gone to Benidorm yesterday but for months has been overdoing the banter with his mates, all vying to be top dog of all the banter to prove how "mad" they are.

People who say "cheeky" something, which isn't cheeky. Going for a swift pint when you weren't scheduling it in and would probably get earache from her indoors for it, that's a cheeky pint. Going out on your dinner hour, which is specifically assigned time to eat any food of your choice, does not constitute the usage of things like, "just going to nip for a cheeky sarnie", or coming back with said food and saying, "you can't beat a cheeky blt". No you're not and yes you can you irritating cunt. Just fuck off.

 

Also, people who say, while smoking, usually when they're not not supposed to be, "just having a crafty fag". No you're not, you're obviously slacking off and avoiding what you are meant to be doing and the word "crafty" doesn't dress it up as making you an endearing, happy go lucky rabscallion, it makes you a work shy cunt, so fuck off.

 

Also, people who say "fag". Not in the homophobic way, in the addressing the bifta they're about to smoke. "Just nipping for a fag". You sound like your arse is twitching at the excitement and prospect of an encounter with a homosexual male. Or, "where's my fags?". You sound like you own a collective group of gay men. Fuck off.

 

And also, people who call spliffs "biftas". A bifta is a ciggie and always will be, so fucking pack it in.

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Fat bastards at the checkout with about ten XXL bottles of diet coke in their trolley.

 

People who moan about people who drink diet coke when it could quite easily be a preference. It tastes different. People like different tastes. Fuck off

 

Edit: in fact, even if he does want to eat cream buns and burgers until he is obese, why castigate him for pouring a totally less harmful substance down his throat as an active life choice. Every little helps. I have a maccies now and then, doesn't mean I'm going to start necking battery acid instead of the water I usually opt for due to it being better for you.

 

In fact, people who look in other peoples' trollies at the supermarket. What are you doing? Point scoring if they've got morrisons own label rich tea while you're dining out on hob nobs?

 

"Here love, look at this fat loser. He's a fucking mess. What's the point in the diet coke? And have you seen the rest of his stuff? Proper loser". Do you hope that people look in your trolley and see pop tarts, Ferraro rocher, mineral water and bertolli and go, "ooh, look Sandra. Someone's doing well."?

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People who moan about people who drink diet coke when it could quite easily be a preference. It tastes different. People like different tastes. Fuck off

Fat bastard.
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My missus cousin who I've never met before has come over from Oz for a few weeks to visit family, and visits us yesterday.

Comes into my living room and we exchange the usual pleasantries etc. I instantly don't like the prick. Then to prove my point he immediately picks up my guitar and starts playing some poxy riff over our conversation. The look I gave my wife said it all as she instantly made excuses to leave the room and head out to the garden. I was fit to twat the cunt. Had to bite my tongue for 2 long hours afterwards.

"We'll meet for a pint, mate? Yea?"

Will we fuck, you cats piss stain.

Haha.

 

I had a new lad out with me at work last week. First time we'd met properly aside from a hand shake and "alright mate" in passing once. This cunt gets in my car and not only turns the blower to maximum cold, but also turns the air con on. It was fucking raining for starters, but who the fuck gets into a strangers car and smashes the air con on full chaff without asking? Cunts, that's who.

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Just googled that you scruffy cunt. I'm hungover now I feel sick.

 

Fuck all wrong with a decent tattoo either.

I've just checked it on urban dictionary and this came up...

 

When a male/Female grows his/her pubic care extra long and his/her partner barfs on his pubic care. Then they must perform oral sex to the persons pubic care who has been barfed on. That is the Dirty Chewbacca. Then you crack an egg in persons ass who did not get the Dirty Chewbacca and fuck them in the ass with your Pubic Care covered in barf and finish inside them. Then he/she must poop out the egg and semen into the a pan to cook. Enjoy

"Awww that Dirty Chewbacca with a Portuguese breakfast was tasty!"

 

Pubic care? People who think pubic hair is indeed pubic care. Cunts

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Haha.

 

I had a new lad out with me at work last week. First time we'd met properly aside from a hand shake and "alright mate" in passing once. This cunt gets in my car and not only turns the blower to maximum cold, but also turns the air con on. It was fucking raining for starters, but who the fuck gets into a strangers car and smashes the air con on full chaff without asking? Cunts, that's who.

 

89fsGzb.gif

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People who moan about people who drink diet coke when it could quite easily be a preference. It tastes different. People like different tastes. Fuck off

 

 

Full fat Coke leaves you teeth feeling like someone's fitted them with a cheap carpet.

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89fsGzb.gif

 

 

Hahaha! Actually had tears running down my grid when I saw that. Out of rep though mate. Will get you next time.

 

 

Full fat Coke leaves you teeth feeling like someone's fitted them with a cheap carpet.

Exactly. It's fucking horrible shit in my eyes. You wouldn't judge a skinny fella for drinking full fat coke. "Fuck is the point in him drinking that full fat coke. He's skinny as fuck."

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People who say "cheeky" something, which isn't cheeky. Going for a swift pint when you weren't scheduling it in and would probably get earache from her indoors for it, that's a cheeky pint. Going out on your dinner hour, which is specifically assigned time to eat any food of your choice, does not constitute the usage of things like, "just going to nip for a cheeky sarnie", or coming back with said food and saying, "you can't beat a cheeky blt". No you're not and yes you can you irritating cunt. Just fuck off.

 

Also, people who say, while smoking, usually when they're not not supposed to be, "just having a crafty fag". No you're not, you're obviously slacking off and avoiding what you are meant to be doing and the word "crafty" doesn't dress it up as making you an endearing, happy go lucky rabscallion, it makes you a work shy cunt, so fuck off.

 

Also, people who say "fag". Not in the homophobic way, in the addressing the bifta they're about to smoke. "Just nipping for a fag". You sound like your arse is twitching at the excitement and prospect of an encounter with a homosexual male. Or, "where's my fags?". You sound like you own a collective group of gay men. Fuck off.

 

And also, people who call spliffs "biftas". A bifta is a ciggie and always will be, so fucking pack it in.

 

You've basically described Phil Tufnell, who is cunt of cunts in this regard.  Have a cheeky crafty luv a duck gor bloimey hatefully cuntish fucking rep.

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Stag dos done by the sort of people you never want to breathe the same air as:

 

Mark-Longley-stag-do.jpg

Lads, lads, lads! Whaaaaay! Fuck off you whoppers

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